second thoughts.

i was thinking today. about this stupid dan thing.
ive come to conclusion that he isnt even my type anyway. that im just over excited about being around a half normal foreign guy. its like, something is better than nothing. not that he isnt special, he's cool. but yeh. i think i got a little over excited i spose. i dont know
but yeh. im gonna let it go and as i said in one of my earlier blogs, guard my heart.

but yeh. i think, taking a step to the outside of the circle and looking in, i guess i got a little caught up. i honestly think dan might be gay. the more i think about it, the more im convinced...he was looking for male jewelry n male skin care products n trying on scarves...geez im an idiot y didnt i see that coming? AND his best friends r chicks. im stupid. the more i think about it. the more obvious it is.

i guess being overseas leaves u vulnerable and blind in all areas of ur heart at times.

my weekend...

well this weekend was not like every other weekend. well, it was less routine. ive noticed all my weekends seem the same lately. i dont really like that. mind u, this weekend wasnt toooo amazing. i was sick from early sat morn to early this morn. THAT was horrid. i had a sore throat, headache, cough, dizziness, throwing up, diarrhea it was terrible. all the muscles in my body ached i was so weak i cud hardly walk n wen i stood up all i wanted to do was yack. oh i hated it! luckily mum took good care of me. it made me want to cry, having someone to take care of me. it made me think of the times back in oz wen i was sick and it was just me. thru terrible hang overs or bugs or a small stint of food poisoning. sometimes u just feel like ud rather die. so i was so appreciative of my mums loving and tender touch.

i had hoped to go into hai shi jiao for fellowship but felt too weak. however by 10 am today i felt good again. Dan had asked me to go shopping with him so i got myself together and met him in town. we had fun. im glad i went. i was a lil late cos i missed the train. we went to victory plaza. its heaps n heaps of shops that are all underground. about 4 levels underground. its pretty crazy but good for a laugh. we looked around for a jacket for him. finally found one. then i was looking for gloves but didnt find any. we had a look at some accessories n i bought some cute earings.

after that we went to a bar to meet some friends of his. he has two aussie friends (both chicks) from canberra. they were pretty nice but seemed like they were straight out of the bush. they had pretty fowl mouths and werent too classy. i know that sounds snobby, n i dont mean to sound that way, but thats the best way to describe them. they did seem like good fun tho n it was nice to b with some fellow aussies again - almost comforting. there was a guy too, John. i dont know where he was from, we didnt get to talk much. we left the bar n went out n played haki-sack in a local park til i decided to go home. dan walked me to a place to catch a cab. we said our polite good byes n i jumped in the car.

part of me is like "ooo he's so cute and awesome!" but part of me is also like "he's gay" hahaha. i guess he's kind of a 'metro man' altho not entirely. not that being a metro man makes u gay. it was just a few comments he made i guess. but he seems like a very open minded person, not an anal "bloke" that wont talk about things that dont make them "tough". either way i really enjoyed his company. i cant tell wot he thinks of me. we had a few "moments" i guess. but i dunno. he said he'd call me later in the week. so we'll see. i bet i sound like an idiot. i feel like an idiot. oh im such an idiot!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

as ty n i were saying on the fone together this evening "things never work out the way you plan/hope" and its so true. altho he was referring to a different situation, but still, i think that still applies to this one. things just dont work out with me n other guys. i cud think of at least 2 off the top of my head. but i wont go into those. i seem to always make the mistake of thinking i have a chance with someone, but i dont. i dont know wot it is. obviously there is SOMETHING about me that makes guys not want me. i guess im just 'not pretty enuff'. thats usually wot it comes down to.
anyway im spinning crap now.
im off.

fridays entry...

well, here i am, its friday nite, and im at home. im not out with dan. i didnt even bother asking mum. i decided that my mum still thinks im a water sipping virgin and for now that suits me. i know she hates the idea of me going out to bars (altho, she must know, deep down, that i do) also, it wud hav meant me coming home in a taxi by myself late at nite (or early morning). Kai Fai Qu is a 40 min drive from down town Dalian n i dont think its safe to b in a cab alone - being a foreign gal n all.
i explained that to Dan n he seemed confused. then he realised that he was getting kai fai qu and hai shi jiao mixed up. then he suggested i crash at a friends house in Dalian. but i quickly reminded him that i have no friends in dalian! then desperately (it seemed) he suggested i stay at his place... ... ... omg. i was so shocked that he said that. i dont even know y. i guess cos he's a church go-er too, so i didnt see it coming. but i mean, from the chats ive had he doesnt seem to be too 'by the book'. i think he cud tell i was shocked by my silence. in australia tho this wudnt have shocked me, but for some reason this did. *weird* then he said, or i have a friend, thats a girl, who's place u cud stay if ur more comfortable with that?

i just so didnt know wot to say.i felt trapped. part of me was like "oh u SO want to stay at his place carrie" (i hate to admit that, i thought 'that' part of me was gone, but its still very much alive) but another part was like, "find an excuse quick" haha. in the end i told him id think about it n call him back at 6 after id finished work.

i remembered that i was baby-sitting in the morning at 9am. i called him at 6:30 n told him the 'bad news'. he did seem a little let down. i apolagised n said that the odds were against me n that it wud just have to happen another time. he said that was fine n that it cud happen any weekend so we'll have lots of other opportunities to hang out. we checked we were both going to frisby tomorrow. i told him to have a good time n hav a drink for me!

in a way im a little relieved. nothing serious wud ever result from this, but it makes me feel so nervous. i guess im a lil afraid that ill really start to like him. im just not in the mood for falling for someone a month b4 i leave here. im gonna have to guard my heart n just enjoy some laughs with him. but either way, im looking fwd to seeing him at frisby tomorrow..hehe . this is so much fun.

a dull day that turned bright

well, im feeling alot better now than i did this morning after my mental breakdown. hahaha. thankfully my day improved alot. ITS SNOWING!!! wow. its just so beautiful. ive been saying "its gonna snow any day now, i just know it"....power of words huh? hehe.
dad called to say it was snowing in dalian n soon enuff it was snowing in kai fai qu as well. it was so fresh. it bought new fresh, crisp air. wen i left to go to work n stepped outside i was just so overwhelmed. it like, swept away my worries n freshened me up! the feeling of the snow falling on my face is just so hard to describe. tha flakes were miniscule so it was really special.

also, tonite was thanks giving dinner. jon, shani n i went. it was pretty good. i was hoping that Dan wud be there and he was. he is this canadian chinese guy that im friends with and a little fond of. its not like im in love with him, he just, how can i say....he makes my heart beat a little faster wen im round him. haha. n he helps me to remember wot its like to flirt again!...i was starting to forget! i saw him while trying to get food. it was clearly a prodominatly asian crowd cos there was no manners n ppl pushing to get to the food...he helped me get some food on my plate. hehe. then later he asked if i got any turkey. he said he hadnt n there was some on my table, so i saved him some - much to his delight. haha. towards the end i was sitting on my own n he came over n sat with me n we had a short convo, then everyone returned n he disapeared. he returned a min later with his scarf on and i tugged at it playfully. he said that he was going to "??(some bar)" tomorrow nite if i wanted to come. oh! i was so excited. i told him i didnt know where it was, so he gave me his number n said to call him tomorrow to sort it out.
im so excited. he's so funny, so easy to get along with n cute too. i hope that i can somehow find a way to go. altho convincing mum that its safe cud b quite a task. i dont really know his intentions. he's prolly just being social n friendly. not that it matters cos im leaving in just over a month. oh he's so cute!!!!!!!!!.
i guess we'll just see wot happens. if i cant go tho, i wont b heart broken.

i think i need a hug

this week i have been keeping to myself. at first it was to avoid my family who were in such stupid pathetic moods. i just cant stand it when people find lame excuses to pick at each other and twist each others words. so to avoid n outburst from me, i just avoided everyone. i closed myself in my room and read. or even if i was in the same room as i them i just kind of floated away. things got better with the fams but i feel ive kind of stayed secluded. without really thinking too much about it.
been thinking about australia alot. im missing it this week. the weather here has taken a very cold turn and im hardly appreciating it. my friends are talking about how hot its been in perth...i'd do anything to be there right now. I was talking to my friend ruth the other nite. she was telling me how she had worked out on spreadsheet type thing her expenses verses her income to find out if she cud afford to move out of home or not. and turns out she cant afford it, by a fair bit. that kinda worried me. i mean if she catn afford it how can i? but i quickly realised how much of a stupid question that was, ive been out of home since i was nearly 17. i've survived ok. but then again....that time had been spent boarding with ppl. so its prolly not a true testiment of how id get by renting my own place or sharing a place with a friend. i sat down n worked things out best i cud. trying to remember wot the hell i spent my money on back in australia. i realised quickly that i spend an awful lot on clothes n shoes n that will just have to stop! after doing that spreadsheet i felt confident again that i would do just fine. and once again that comforting thought came to me "i've survived this long - so i'll survive this" i think that is the one thing that keeps me pushing forward.

despite that tho, i decided it is time for me to start figuring out my options for wen i get back to perth. i'll hav a week of luxury n dreamig in bris, b4 reality will hit me, possibly quite hard too. i emailed my friend cara n asked if she wanted to move out with me. i had told ruth earlier that i had a feeling she wouldnt, for financial reasons. but i asked her anyway. last nite i sat in the kitchen talking to mum n expressed how excited i was about getting back to australia (which quite clearly shattered her) i explained tho i was excited, not to leave here, but to start a new chapter of my life. sitting there, i cud have burst! i had managed to push out every worry n just feel excited about the future. it felt great.

this morning i got an email back from cara (the subject was "i want to sex you up" HAHAHA) but the content was just wot i had expected...disapointing. but logical for her situation. she wanted to work next yr n save money and the only way she can do that (save) is stay at home, rather than fork out for rent n bills. so i totally understand. but all the same hearing that news this morning sent me on such a downhill spin. i felt like i just lost control of my mind. i felt dizzy as i realised that cara wasnt AN option she was THE option and now i really had to face the reality that ill prolly have to live by myself. the future all of a sudden just seemed so gloomy. i got off the puter, hoped in the shower and cried a little. i was all of a sudden so stressed i cud hardly stand. i had a million thoughts flying thru my head. most i cant actually even remember right now. but they werent happy ones. i thought to myself that next yr is gonna be potentially quite lonely for me.
it seems tyrone is considering joburg again. which is no suprise. ive basically accepted that he's gonna go back there as soon as he can n be gone for AT LEAST yr. ...so there goes my best bud. he says that i dont need him for support. but he's wrong. standing in that shower all i wanted was tyrone. i really needed a hug. i felt so scared. wot am i saying i still feel scared. i just wanted to talk to tyrone. i needed him to tell me that ill be alrite. tyrone to me, is like the person who is always right, so if he says ill be alrite, then i will be.
i just feel so weak n lost today. i just want life to be easy. ive been looking on the internet at centrelink. trying to kind of estimate how much ill get from them n my heart is crying. im remember the crap they gave me earlier this yr. they wudnt believe that my parents dont have a solid income, or that they dont get pay slips. (hello! its china u psycho's) they gave me such a hard time. it was a few months b i saw any money. that was such a tough time for me, i really struggled n it was such a stress emotionally. id leave centrelink in tears quite often. ty can vouch for that. im pretty sure i phoned him in tears once as i left centrelink n made my way to uni.

oh i must sound like such a wuss. this is the loneliest i've felt since ive been here. i like, need to get outside n go for a walk, let off some steam but its too cold to go outside unless its totally absolutely necessary!!! i just need a hug.

money matters

sometimes i wonder where people get there 'people skills' from. apparently they were available in a Corn Flake box round bout the time my dad was born. he lacks so much style n smoothness in the way he treats my mum, and other ppl too. things like work and some stupid dvd's seem to sit alot higher on his priorities than spending time with his wife. its my mums birthday today.

she just had a call from her mum, but cud hardly hear anything that was being said bcs Dad decided he wanted to watch a movie that was kinda loud. i will say tho, that he did have it kinda low AND we hav a cordless, so really mum cuda just left the room to avoid noise ruining their conversation. so they are both as stubborn as each other. but dad really screwed up wen he said "ive been tryingto watch this movie since 6 o'clock"...omg. REAL SMOOTH. like AS IF that justifies ignoring ur wife on her bday. mum was less than impressed to say the least. i guess instead of sitting here, i shud go n console her. but she's been a little funny all day. a little hard to talk to. so im just not really in the mood for someone who is going to shut me off anyway. considering it was her bday it was hardly a special day for her. so i feel a little bad that i didnt go out of my way, as i usually do, to try n make it special. but she always says "dont make a fuss etc etc"...so this yr i didnt. n she seemed upset. almost offended. we spent all day doing nothing. haha. i asked her if she wanted to go anywhere n she said no, that she was happy staying in. which was fine with me. i had no plans to leave the apartment thats for sure. then, after dinner, while we did the dishes together i sensed a feeling of disapointment within her. i apolagised that it wasnt a very exciting day. she sighed and mumbled something about it not being the first birthday that was non-eventful. ahhhh woteva. i ignored that comment.u cant say stuff like that. n u cant act like that if u've asked ppl NOT to makea fuss over u. geeeeeeeeeeeeez. i just dont get either of my parents sometimes.their behaviour is that of a child.

another issue thats "HOT" in the news is the money owed from shani's recent trip to beijing. last weekend she went to beijing on a youth camp. she, as well as mum n dad were under the impression that the camp was only 400 Yuan. as this is wot the camp forms had written on them. however wen shani got on the train to beijing she was approached and asked for her camp fee's. when she handed over the 400 yuan she was asked where the rest of the money was...the camp was actually 1000yuan!!! shani only had 400 yuan on her, apart from 200yuan spending money and the train had already left dalian so she couldnt bail on the camp and go home. poor chicken.she must have been so embarassed.

When she got home she told us all about it. Mr Bowman (the camp co-ordinatar, family friend n father of shani's best friend, natalie) had to fork out for the remaining 600yuan that shani didnt have on her. the camp was totally unorganised. they were told that they were going up to the mountains...but they didnt, they were in the same 'hotel' as last time. which had NO hot water mind u.HOW u pay 1000 yuan to have no hot water for showers for a weekend is beyond my comprehension.and to top it all off, the girls got the 'japanese rooms', with stupidly thin mattresses on the floor, while the guys got all the plush rooms with lovely beds. no prizes forg uessing what sex was in charge of the camp..yep a BLOKE...RUDE!!! i mean far out.SINCE WHEN do guys get prefernce over girls anyway? ESPECIALLY on a christian camp. its just how things r done! but i know the male leaders that went on that camp and they are all arrogant pigs so im not suprised.

we felt that there was no reason we should have to pay that extra 600Yuan as the forms that my parents signed only said 400 yuan. but apparently that 400 Yuan only covered the costs of the camp, not the transport. omg. i pretty much went nuts wen i heard that. like AS IF the transport isnt part of the camp! and therefore part of camp fee's. wot did they expect the parents to say to the kids "oh here, take 600 yuan, JUST IN CASE you need to pay for transport. *sigh*

the ppl who payed for shani are also the ppl that organised the camp. n they hav been getting a little anxious to b re-imbersed. so much so, that they grounded their daughter (shani's best friend) becos shani hadnt paid them back! if thats not crap parenting i dont know wot is. they said that natalie was in charge of 'spreading the word' of camp costs n she hadnt done her job properly. wot a load of CRAP. mr bowman is the youth leader. HE wrote the forms for camp therefore it was HIS responsibility to communicate the TRUE costs of camp,not a happy-polished-con-artist version of camp costs.*sigh*

either way, despite my willingness to have a go at mr bowman for being a d---head i somehow spoke my parents into not joining me. we came to the conclusion that since shani was 1 out of 3 ppl that made the same mistake (out of about 150-200 kids) that she must have somehow had a clue of the real price...now that 600 yuan is coming out of her savings. :-( i feel sorry for her. but i see logic in their decision. she is pretty upset tho. but even said herself that she's learnt her lesson. she wont be going on any more youth camps organised by mr bowman thats for sure...which sadly includes the mission trip to thailand planned for january. i can tell she's heart broken about that. but secretly mum n i both agreed it wasnt safe for her to go anyway. we dont trust mr bowman at all anymore.

i just hate disorganisation sooo much. and especially wen it involves something like a youth camp. bad organisation doesnt just stop at paper work, it continues thru to leadership,bad advice and stupid actions. i guess im thankful that this lack of organisation only lead to a 600 yuan hole in shani's savings - not a serious injury of my baby sis. this sure has shown me how organised the youth sector of my church is. something like that wud NEVER happen. everything is conducted in excellence.

just goes to show how ugly money makes things. it made me think, after going thru all of this stupidity, that i dont ever want alot of money. why wud u. it nearly ruined some friendships. id imagine its at least wounded them permenantly. money just messes up so many things, even tears families apart, as my poor tyrone knows all too well :-(

well thats my release for the day *sigh*

promise you wont forget me?

Last nite i was talking to my friend Andrew on msn. i guess we've been chatting on there for a bit over 2 months. seems a lot longer than that tho, like we've known each other for ages. thats how i feel anyway. He's been the very thing that has kept me sane while ive been here in china.well, him and this blog! i doubt that he realises it though. it seems weird that someone online can have the ability to make a good day out of a crappy one. weird...but good.

I have other friends too that i keep in contact with, like ruth. we chat every day. im so thankful for her friendship. i know that when i get back to perth we will truly embrace each other and share our experiences, as she once spent 3 yrs in china. I do have a good support group of friends in Perth, but i do feel that some of them have forgotten me. or maybe are taking advantage of the fact thats its a short trip anyway so its no great loss if they dont call or email me. Tyrone calls me nearly every week. i'm sure he has no clue as to how much that makes me happy.

but last nite, as my convo with andrew started to draw to a close...as it was like 2 am for him, poor chicken. i told him that "im so thankful for his company", or something to that affect, i cant quite remember exactly. but then he said something along the lines of that, "wen i get back to all my friends in perth ill just forget about him. " oh my heart sunk when he said that. i mean, it was prolly just a passing comment, but i felt as though maybe he truly does believe that ill forget him. which i wont. i never will. i told him id neva forget him, not a million yrs. but i dunno, he hardly seemed convinced. but who can really tell on the internet. theres no expression, just text n the odd emoticon. he bought up that i wont have msn in perth. which means that we wont b chatting at all really. i told him that ill still have email and that i can always call him. but once again, he didnt seem convinced. he soon retired n went off to bed, understandably. i too went to bed but lied there awake wondering wot the future of our friendship holds and if he REALLY does think ill forget about him. to be honest, im more afraid that he'll forget me! in bought may next yr he's going round the world for a yr, maybe two. i cant imagine him coming back and wondering to himself "gee i wonder how caz is going?" not becos he isnt a nice person, but becos, with all his new experiences, why wud he remember me?

I esteem andrew very highly. He had a fair bit to do with y i've chosen to spend a week in brisbane and not just 2 days. im really looking fwd to meeting him and hanging out. maybe we'll hate each other and drive each other nuts! haha. but then again, maybe we'll have a blast together. and i hope its the second one. but hey, at least if its the first one we wont feel so bad about 'forgetting' each other. LOL.

i guess friendships are never secure. u never really know where they are gonna go. and sometimes they are just a little too easy to ruin. but why is that? i guess that every precious thing is also delicate. and thats y friendships fall apart. andrew and i have had a lot of laughs. i hope that we stay friends for yrs n yrs to come.

the beggar children

there are these children that beg at chung lin. i have been thinking about them alot. i think i wrote about them on here b4. not sure. but they are stuck in my mind. there is a boy and a girl. they look related, like bro n sis. but i cud b wrong. the girl has mutated hands n fingers and half of her nose is missing :-( she lies on her stomach, like, as if she cant walk with rope tied around her waste. the rope is then tied around the boys waste, who stands and pulls her along. its not a pretty site. im pretty sure half of it is a scam. that she can walk n that is a ploy to get money. i know that sounds terrible, but thats the reality of most situations. im pretty sure ive seen them in reversed postions to be honest. but i cud b wrong.
ive made sure that everytime they are there i bring them food now. i try to avoid giving them money cos i hate to think where it ends up or if it even ends up in their hands. i figure they've gotta b hungry n so far they havent rejected any of the food ive given them.
it just doesnt seem like enough though. like something MORE needs to b done for these kids. we need to feed them, cloth them, give them a second chance of life. surely there is a way. i mean thats wot the orphanage is there for! abandoned kids!!!! but maybe they r too old to go to an orphanage. maybe they arent abandoned? maybe someone owns them and sends them out to beg? then its COMPLETELY out of our hands.
but maybe its not out of our hands!!! maybe they sleep in a cold deserted building. i just want to take em home and scrub them clean. get them a home. organise some plastic surgery for the girl so her face is beautifully restored, altho that wud have to wait a few yrs til she was fully developed. all of this costs money, but surely ppl are out there that are willing to support such an effort? dont these kids deserve a second chance at life?
i mean buying them some food once a week is not enuff. not now, not never. seeing them just breaks my heart. but wot can i do!!!????
i think ill speak to my mum and dad and some of the other foreigners about them. keeping quiet never did any good. i really hope that we can help them.
*sigh*

mis-understood faces

faces...
faces...
so many faces
all that cud easily blur into one
yet each are all so unique.
each, i will most likely never see again
have i come this far to observe
hav i come this far to look at their faces?
the sensation i feel wen i look into their eyes
they pierce me so deep
i feel my heart race n curl into knots
knots of confussion
love
hopelessness.
have i come this far to push it away?
to block out the hounding looks and remarks with numbing sounds of the west?
does it hurt to show a little love?
does it hurt to do what ppl least expect...to show a little kindness?
the looks of suprise wen i smile
shock
confussion
bitterness
an overwhelming stare of emptiness...this is the most frequent return.
wot is it that they seek?
wot is it that can refill that emptiness?
so joy can be restored into their deep black eyes.
this is a ppl that i will never truly understand
yet also a ppl that hold a peice of my heart
something i dont understand
but will forever embrace

the adventures of caz in a foreign land!

ive had lots of random stuff on my mind these last few days. so this cud b a heck of a long blog i think...
hm well... its 8:50am on wednesday morning. mum just flew out the door on her way to work. but just before she left she remembered that she hudnt hung out the sheets that had just come out of the washing machine. i told her not to worry that id hang them out. she pretty much ignored me and opened the window to start hanging them.i repeated myself in a much firmer voice and she looked at me. n starts to explain HOW they need to be hung!.. n that there are some things on the line that mite have to come off to make room. i sat there in amazement. and said very slowly "mum...i...know....how...to...hang...sheets!!!" and it was like she clicked and thought 'oh yeh! she does!' i mean who does she think washed, hung out and ironed my sheets back home?! i had to laugh really. i cud feel her watching me from the door as i hung them out. i think she forgets that ive had more than 2 yrs out of home and that i can take care of myself quite well now.

actually the day b4 yesterday i was trying to bring up the dates of me going back to oz with mum. even tho its like 2 months away i like to be organised n i had a friend who needed to book some time off. it was so hard at first. id find a way to sneak it into our conversation and she'd shut me down by changing the subject. then as her n i were sitting down to eat our lunch she asked about uni and when i find out about if i get in or not. i told her that im pretty sure its between jan 18-21...so pretty much around my bday. mum seemed astonished. she couldnt believe i had to wait that long. she seemed to think that i wud find out any week now. so she asked 'where do u wanna b on ur bday then?" i cud see where this conversation was going. my bday is on the 20th on jan,but im booked to leaveon the 9th of jan...mum wanted me to stay longer, hopefully, for my bday it seemed. my heart sunk right into my stomach. i said apolageticlly that i needed to be in aus for my bday cos the uni offeres arrive just b4,on or just after my bday. she seemed sad. then to try to lighten the atmosphere i told her that i was hoping to spend a week in brisbane on my way back to perth. she thought that was a great idea...which totally made my day. she didnt seem to think that staying in a hostel is the best idea but i convincedher that its location (in the heart of the city) wud just make life so much easier for me. i told her that if things didnt work out for me in perth n i do consider moving east, at least this way i will have an idea wot it wud b like for me in 'the east' so i cud make a more educated decision. that made her happier i think, the thought of me considering moving to qld. i highly doubt it will happen but u never know, and hey, if it makes her relax then thats only a good thing. its so hard wen u know ur mum just doesnt want u to go. its only 8 weeks til i leave now...well a little less than that. i know that time is gonna go rediculously fast. it reminds me of wen i was counting down the weeks to wen i left perth for china, and that time zoooooooomed!!!!

i am enjoying my time with my family tho. i went shopping with mum yesterday. originally it was justfor some groceries..but like the women we are, we kind of deviated a little! *evil laugh* we looked at some clothes n shoes at the emporium, but they were all ugly, as usual. but i found some CUTE underwear, and im going back for more of that! haha. sooooo cheap. we went into chung lin and up to the clothes level there so i cud show a jumper to mum that i was trying to bargain for the other day. the shop lady recognised me and got all excited.(a sale!! a sale!!) i wanted 30 yuan, their starting price was 90 yuan. they dropped down to 40 but wudnt go any lower. i tried it on n mum said to get it, it was a diamond in the rough after all!! i offered 35yuan..they laughed and said "OK!" there were 2 shop ladies, but one spent the most time with me and clung to me a little. as i went to leave she asked if we cud be friends. i said of course. it was funny, i asked for her name in chinese....then she answered me in english and told me her name! haha. her name is Zhang Ming Hui. she gave me her number too and asked if i had some free time to come and play with her....which is wot the chinese say if they want to hang out. i was touched. she seemed lovely. i was happy to have made a friend in the psycho chung Lin clothing department!!

before that, mum n i were walking along the street near the Emporium. i told mum that i wanted to go to 'puppy corner'. i call it that cos there is a corner on this street where these guys sell puppies (n kittens too) for real cheap. i would never buy anything, they are all too young and will die for sure :-( but they are real cute n fun to look at. we finally made it there and ooohhh!! the puppies were so cute!! i was ooooo-ing and aaahhh-ing and saying "oo! i lurve u! ur so cute!" and of course..the guys who sell the dogs cudnt help themselves...they just HAD to impersonate me didnt they! haha. ah, i give em credit, they did pretty well. but one of the dogs...i cudnt believe it...they had partly shaved him! they'd shaved around parts of his head to make him look like a lion...then they shaved down the middle of its back and all its tail, cept the tip of it. oh it was so nuts...kinda mean really. but it looked so funny. must have been a little cold tho, poor thing. i bet they were charging an extra 50 yuan for that shave job too!

also along that street were some new "stalls". not that ud call it that. its just a blanket laid out on the ground with product on it. some ppl from out of town have been around these parts n u just wudnt believe the stuff they r selling! the one item that sticks in my mind, n i imagine it will forever, was the lion paw's. well, mum thinks they're bear paws, but im convinced its lion. they r all still furry n have the big claws still attached. its so hard to explain. ill have to ask permission for a photo i think. apparently they r for goodluck. i asked a guy how much...1,200 Yuan.thats so rediculous! thats $200 aus. mind u, he was prolly trying to rip me off as im a foreigner,but still, its very expensive for a stinky lions paw. there was one stall that a guy had the whole arm/leg, (woteva) as well! all the meat n fur had been stripped tho n it was just the bone. he was sitting there sawing the bone up, like as if he mite be able to sell it or something!? i wudnt b too suprised actually. i was telling shani last nite n she said that those ppl r from near tibet.which was wot i thought, going by their clothing. shani went on to tell me that her friend, who goes on missions trips with her dad (she is only 14) and translates for him, was in mongolia one time n they were welcomed into someones home..only to find a panda's heart, sitting in water in their living room to bring good luck. i was so shocked..poor pands :-( they also deep fry crickets and heavily spice them. if u eat them theyre sposed to make u brave! this is also a delicacy in thailand...*PUKE*

my dear chinese friend and tutor, Helen has left town :-( last monday we went out shopping together n hungout for bit. that was wen she told me that she was possibly losing her job at the 'at home abroad' shop, which is a place that sells western foods for all us deprived foreigners here in kai fai qu. together we went to see her uncle, which she said is a 'special official' and wud help her find a job. to be honest, i was a little scared at first. i thought it may hav been some kind of trap n she was delivering me to the authorities for doing some unknown crime...sounds crazy i know, but not impossible. to cut a long story short i got a call on thursday morning from mrs haynes, telling me that she had a job for Helen at the orphanage as a care giver. i was sooooooo excited. i jumped in the shower, got dressed and ran down to helens store/home to tell her! there was no answer tho, of the door or of the fone.the store was on the first floor so i did some snooping around (in china ppl open businesses in their homes...one room is their business, the rest is their home) i cud see thru the window at the front, which was her bedroom. i peeked inside n all her stuff was gone. my heart sank. i was so sad and so worried. i went n told mrs haynes that she was gone. she doesnt have a cell fone, so it was impossiblefor any of us to contact her. later that nite i got a call from Nat, an american friend of mine, who was also very close with Helen.she told me that she had a visit from helen n her uncle n aunty. she had cum to say goodbye as her family had decided that she had to go back home to her mother in hubei and get married (WOT A LOAD OF CRAP) so yeh. i was pretty upset. i cried for a long time. i cudnt believe that my friend was gone. and so forcibly so. there was no free will on helens part in that decision at all. it made me so mad. and the whole 'get married' thing...GEEEEEEEEEZ!! she's 22 n soo far off getting married. she later called me, on saturday nite. told me that she needed my help. she needed me to help her get a job. i told her that there was a position for her here in kai fai qu, all she needed to do is come back n we have a job and a home all organised for her. but turns out that her uncle has forbidden her to ever return to kai fai qu. n since he's such a 'special official' well, she cudnt really sneak back, he wud eventually find out.*sigh* i felt so hopeless. there is noway that i can help her with a job. well in kai fai qu, yes. but she was talking about beijing type area.thats just out of my hands. im too young and powerless to help her. even my parents cant help her.i told her that i didnt know but i wud ask around n that she was to call me back on friday. ..well its wednesday now i n still have nothing. wen she foned on sat my heart ached so bad. i want to help her but i just dont think that i can. my effort doesnt feel good enuff tho. like i feel i cud do more to help..BUT WOT!!?? i dont think ill have any good news for her on friday n im not looking fwd to hearing that disapointment on the other end of the fone. i can still hear her in my mind saying "carrie, pls, i need you to help me" uuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhh. words cant explain.
things r just so different here.

my jay boy.

i got an email from my jay boy that really made me laugh today.
hmm, i guess 'my jay boy' is kind of a very personal way to refer to someone who u rnt romantically involved with. but he is just my friend. he used to have a thing for me. i dont know if he still does. b4 i left i was pretty sure he still did. or at least it seemed by the way he touched me and wud do nearly anything for me. but im not sure how he feels now. he really is a good mate.
he'd pick me up from work on thursday nites (late nite trade) so i didnt have to catch the bus/train home at nite. he'd even travel all the way out to Morley to get me, in pouring rain. pretty sweet really.
i remember i made the huge mistake of kissing him on his 21st. i should neverhave done that. he thought that i liked him. but i was just caught up in the moment, and a little too full of wine. gosh im a terrible person sometimes. during his speech he gazed at me nearly the whole time. a few days later we went out for coffee to discuss wot 'happened'. i told him that we cudnt date. we cud only b friends. i broke the poor guys heart. it wasnt a nice thing to do at all. but i had to b honest. it was an awesome kiss tho. ill give him that much, he is a damn good kisser.
jay boy is truly so amazing. its almost wrong not to be attracted to him. but im just not. he is my mate! he's such an eligible bachelor tho. he's smart, he's sweet, he has a great job, a cute car and he has just bought a house...he's only 22 yrs old! he's achieved so much. but i mean...most of things r all material and thats just not wot im after. i need attraction. i need sexual tension (without the release....lol). i need things to be exciting and unpredictable!
jay boy is just a little....too good. i dont like to say it, he's kinda like a mumma's boy. its hard to explain.
ppl ask me y im not dating him. and i dont even have a logical answer for y. im just not attracted to him. ...well, ok that is logical. but it seems mean. cos he is quite good looking. but yeh ..ANYWAY..
the email...
oh it made me smile. we had been discussing thru email's things we'd have to do wen i get back. we were trying to think of sum crazy stupid things to do to make up for some lost time. ...but well,we both suck and cudnt think of anything that interesting. which i believe is mostly becos wot i class as fun and wot he classes as fun are two very different things. and i said as a joke..."maybe i cud chase you around with chicken fat and throw remote controls at u"
....anyone reading this blog will sooooo not know wot im going on about.

...as a quick summary. we were house sitting together with sum friends once, we were cooking dinner and he wudnt cut the chicken cos he hates the feeling of raw chicken, so i chased him with raw chicken fat hands. and another time he asked for the controls, so i ditched them really hard, but hit him in the chest :- (oops!) so yeh, they r memories he often brings up as examples of how abusive i am, haha...as a joke....

so yeh, anyway, as a reply to my suggestion of chasing him with chicken fat and throwing remote controls at him...he said..."I think messin with some chicken fat or you ditching a remote at me sounds like a swell idea - looking forward to it!" HAHA. oh i laughed so much. i miss jay boy. i can just imagine him saying that too. which made it more funny.

this is for sure something only i wud find funny. i had to write about it tho. jay is such good value and lately ive been feeling bad for the way i treated him. and in a way, perhaps lead him on. i still maintain that i had no idea he liked me, and that we were just good mates. but according to some other ppl i was a total flirt and it was impossible for me NOT to notice he liked me. thats just my personality tho. i get along good with guys, as mates (neva as bf's tho...interesting that). i was just being friendly, not "friendly". anyway. he cud do better than me anyway. he deserves a really good chick. i hope he gets one...and hopefully one that see's him for who he is, and not wot he's got.

mascara eyes

for nearly 3 yrs ive had writers block.
ever since jonathan dumped mei havent been able to write a single poem
last nite i finally broke thru the barrier. yay..

watery, smudged, mascara eyes
something i look in the mirror and see all to often these days
im in a place where my mind is trapped
its in isolation.
made to think over and over and over
on things i usually push away
like some kind of torture
accept I'M the torturer.
but i cant end it.
i cant find the off button
I've flicked an eternal switch maybe?
the truth is hurting me
but is it the truth?
is it my heart that leads me?
or a stupified mind that just needs something new to experience in a life of this that and those?
i need to let these thoughts out
i have no one here to talk to that understands me
no one that can get into my heart and file the loose papers away
wen things r sorted i can block out reality
move on with a shallow life
grow numb to the things that prick my heart n pull me to peices.
who is this girl?
this girl who doesnt even know who the person is thats looking back at her?
but maybe this new person is something that shud b embraced?
after all new births shud b a thing of joy
a fresh start to life perhaps?
nothing was really wrong with the 'old life' thoor was there?
just how deep did my happiness go?
maybe i am the only person who CANT answer that?
is there a person
a stranger
someone with a higher perspective
who watches
who laughs
who sighs with disapointment
at my attempts at life.
my attempts at being normal
wot is normal anyway?
who wants to be like everyone else?
it seems everyone does.
no wonder there are so many unhappy ppl.
am i trying to b someone else?
i dont believe so.
maybe i can meet that person,
that stranger,
that higher perspective
that can give me some answers to this overwhelming mystery of life and all the things that are in it

an overwhelming loss

im sitting here, hm alone. tired as hell. but i dont want to sleep.im thinking of bronwyn. i still cant believe she committed suicide. im listening to adams songby blink 182 it reminds me of her... "I never thought, i'd die alone, i laughed the loudest - who'd have known?" she loved blink, worshipped them almost. its almost like this song was written for her. she DID laugh the loudest. she was always to full of joy. if you were down she wudtry to pick u up. it hurts me so deeply that she had to end things like this. i havent spoken torhiannon since it happened. hell i havent spoken to her for ages, even b4 wot happened with bronwyn.we lost contact. as friends do. i often wonder how she is dealing with it. has she pushed it all aside,n moved on so it doesnt affect her life? or is she a mess? when i get back to australia i desperatelywant to track her down. but i dont want her to think its just cos of wot happened with her sister :-(u just dont expect tragedies like this to happen. i think back on the days wen i wud go to their house for 'sleep overs' and she wud b there in our face. i really liked her. ppl at school didnt thoshe never really did fit in. and her or shud i say their, step mum was an absolute cow. first rhiannon got kicked out...on xmas eve! then, bronwyn was kicked out shortly after. im mad at their dad.i hope that he feels terrible for allowing that stupid woman to ruin their lives. one of the reasonsbronwyn did wot she did was cos her family was so messed up. wen a step mum kicks someone out, thefather needs to stick up for his child. but he didnt. he was 'under the thumb' i guess. but far outnow bronwyn is dead. a girl with so much potential. dont adults realise the affect they have on us wen we r young? we may not show it, but young ppl still value our family so highly. screwed up familylife makes the rest of ur life so tough. theres no point running things over in my mind tho. no point in "what if's" but just goes to show howsomething like, marrying the wrong person, giving someone crap at school, calling a girl fat ....they lead to such drastic and terrible results. another line from adams song is "you'll be sorry wen im gone" i wonder if thats how she felt? i wonder if the ppl that were horrible to her at school will ever pick on another person again? i wonder how the guys that were horrible to her felt wen they found out? the sad things is, those ppl, they'll never stop. they'llnever stop ruining other ppl's lives. wot a mean disgusting cycle. its just not fair. y shud something so terrible happen to such an amazing young girl. oh my god it makes me so angry yet breaks my heart as well. were things so so bad that she cudnt just blot it out? if i cud meet the ppl that drove her to the conclusion that she had to end everything i swear i wudbeat them black and blue. i wud...damn i dont even know wot i wud do. i think i wud just break downand cry, right in front of them cos i just wud b so overwhelmed. i havent even met them, yet i hate them so much. god im bawling my eyes out i need to go. i just wish i cud change things. i hope she'sin heaven and that she's happy.

cinderella

i havent been able to publish on here for a while so this entry is bout two days old...

today shani and i lowered our levels, to that of true 'teeny-boppers' and watched "Cinderella Story"with hillary duff in it. i tell ya, i cant stand that girl. but she played the part well. it waspredictable, cheesy...yet cute and pulled at the heart strings a little. you know how movieswork in a way to get ur heart aching and ur mind thinking in a certain way to feel love or hate towards characters etc...yep, yr 12 english did teach me something.
the way the story goes is, she is miss loser and he is mr popular. they meet on the net at schoolor something and he shares alot with her, his poems and dreams for the future. blah blah blah. they r clearly infatuated with each other, but dont actually know who each other is yet. in real life they see each other frequently but dont realise who they are. he asks to meet her in the middle of the school dance, dance floor at 11pm. so yeh,,,ANYWAY
she rocks up in this gorgeous dress, but wearing a mask so he doesnt realise who she is at firstblah blah blah. the part that got to me was when they were out in this gazebo dancing and he isclearly so infatuated with her. he's trying to work out who she is by asking '10 questions'. itskinda cute. very intense. the intensity is what got to me a little. i thought "gee, i dont remember any guy being so intense and tuned in on JUST ME before" its not like it made me sad oranything. if anything it makes me long to have a guy that is infatuated with me. not necessarily now...but you know, eventually. it would be nice. but i dunno, maybe it is too much to ask. and u know wot else wud b nice? to get a good kiss. that would be reeaaal nice. its been a long while since ive been genuinly kissed. by that i mean, kissed by someone who wouldnt dream of kissing anyone else but me. a good kisser is a weakness of mine. thats all i want really, is someone who will treat me good and kiss me better. hahaha. not necessarily in that order tho...lol jokes.
on sunday we were coming home from hai shi jiao. the 'whites' were coming over to hang out for theafternoon. there is this guy, phil. he is jons mate, but we get along good too. i remember we got off the bus in kai fai qu and went to jump in a cab and phil opened the cab door for me! oh i just love it when guys do that!!! i smiled at him and said 'aw phil ya sweety, thanks!' and he just laughed and made some crack about being an alabama gentleman or something. i mean there was nothing in it, thats just how his parents bought him up. but thats what i wud like, a guy that treats me good.i mean i dont want every last door held open for me, im not the queen and i dont need a slave for a bf. but every now and then its nice to get treated special :-)

burdens, memories and selfishness

as my time in china draws to an end thoughts of the future are looming over me 24/7.i mean ok, i still have like another 2 months here. but im missing home and thinking of it alot. i like to be organised and plan things out so im running things over in my mind...

*what if i dont get into uni?

*what if farid doesnt keep his word and i dont get my job back?

*will i find someone to live with?

*can i afford to live by myself if i need to?

*if i dont get into uni, will i go to tafe? or just work?

*is moving to cairns still on the cards if things dont work out as planned?

*how quickly can i get my license and a car???!!

*will my friendships be the same?

*will I be the same?

*will i meet the man of my dreams? ....ever? (hahaha, i threw that in for a laugh)

being here in china i look down at my life in perth, almost as if from a higher perspective - from the clouds or something. it seems a little shallow and meaningless yet i miss it so much at the same time.

being at home again i havent really had to pay for much and the financial burden thats coming wen i get back is haunting me already - 2 months prior to its beginning. i hate stressing about rent, food all that stuff. mind u, i spend money on things i shudnt like clothes and shoes so its my own fault. ppl say that money shouldnt rule ur life, but in a way it rules mine. i mean alot of ppl who say that to me, still live at home. so its easy for them to say! actually i wud say that money doesnt rule me...it stresses me out. ive enjoyed not having that stress for a while and im not looking fwd to it returning.

i need to stop looking 'down' on my life in aus tho. cos really, i was happy! i had some crappy moments. that goes without saying. im not gonna recount any of those. but ive had some awesome times too. tyrone and cara have really enriched my life.
i have one on one moments spent with ty that left me floating in bliss. i remember earlier this yr, tyrone came over. he was soon to leave for sth africa and he wouldnt be back before i left for china so we werent gonna see each other for ages. i remember we went shopping, i helped him findsome hot jeans and he bought a real nice gold bracelet for himself. then we went out for dinner at hans cafe then went back to my house and chilled for a while. we put on the tv and layed out on my bed. if u asked me what was on tv i cudnt tell u. i was lying next to tryone with my head on his chest. i felt so safe. i didnt want that moment to end.i sure as hell didnt want him ever to leave. i was sad cos i wudnt see my best friend in the whole world for ages. but i felt so happy just chilling with him.im sure if u asked tyrone he cud tell u wot was on tv, or if my ass looked good. cos he's a guy. thats just men i guess and thats wot guys notice. but thats a good memory for me. i cant wait to hug him when i get back to perth.

another good memory is rock it, feb 2004, with cara. the sweety came and picked me up from mandurah then we drove up to joondalup and walked to the arena. it was a real nice warm day. blink 182 bailed which meant we got $15 worth of 'free' drinks when we traded in our ticket stubs.so we got to drinking and chillin in the sun. we met up with tyrone and his mates briefly b4 they ran off to chase some giant ball that was getting thrown around everywhere. then we found cara's mates and chilled with them. we drank, and drank a little more. not alot. prolly only just enuff to be happy but the music got better and better and we started dancing and laughing and carrying on.haha, i remember one of her friends dropped his dacks and got ppl to sign his butt! and the weird tatoo'd, pierced guys that thought cara and i were lesbians. haha. theres no one great memory from that day/night. the whole night was good. cara is one awesome chick. i cud hang with her forever and never grow tired of her. she has an infectious laugh that makes me smile.
i also remember when her and i went to a cocktail party. it was a 21st of someone who we're kinda friends with. it was a christian get together pretty much and the cocktail party was cocktail-less - much to ur disgust! we almost had to smuggle a glass of wine. cara and i were so completely the rejects of the party. we sat in our corner, as usual, and picked at ppl's bad choice of cocktail wear.haha. we r horrible sometimes. but it was fun cos they werent being that friendly to us so they derserved it! there was a girl there that we didnt like and we enjoyed sitting there dreaming of her heal breaking or her spilling nacho sauce all down her skanky dress. i look back at that and think "carrie u r such a horrible person". but tha twas the highlight of that party almost. it was so dull. we bailed as soon as the speech was over. wot a waste of a saturday night! we felt like the night was incomplete, so we went to macdonalds! haha. nothing quite like a macca's run to make a saturday nite complete! we got drive thru, the usual, cheese burger meal with a vanilla shake (my fave!) we sat in the car park eating and talking.we talked about HEAPS of stuff. about church - wot we love and wot we hate, about men - the ones we love and the ones that suck, about work, futures, past, lots of stuff. she is such good value. my chats with her are always good. i miss my caz.

thinking of all those times makes me miss home so much. but then i feel bad cos i shud think more about my family then about my own pleasures and social life. sometimes i feel so selfish. i think more about me and "my life" than seeing my own family. its terrible. when i think about the dayi leave here tho it grieves me. i try to shut the thought out but it is haunting me already. the thought of that last touch from my mum and the tears in her eyes. my last goodbye to jon and shani. that look that dad gives me that says "u make me so proud"...when ive done nothing to even make him proud. its heart renching. it tears me up. when im in australia i try to shut thoughts of my family out. i mean i still think about them. i love them, i have pics of them and i call them. but i shut them out in a sense to numb the pain of missing them so much. it just makes life easier for me and it works. ppl ask me if i miss my family and i always say yes. but i dont FEEL anything wen i say it. i feel terrible for doing it though. its not that i dont love them. i guess sometimes loving people makes ur life harder. im just not looking fwd to 'that' goodbye wen i leave here. i hope the pain of it doesnt haunt me for weeks to follow. i hope i can go back to how i numb it all out and just 'get on with life'
*sigh*
im not a very nice person am i?

bad dreams

i got hardly any sleep last nite. i had nightmares ALL nite. im gonna be lazy and just copy and paste wot happened out of an email to a friend...
it was terrible. they made no sense but im still looking over my shoulder 2 hours after being out of bed. i felt like i was half awake during the dreams as well. it was like there was an evil spirit in the room or something. i know that sounds crazy. but i remember praying, quite a few times, begging god to make them stop. and they'd stop straight away and id feel peaceful. almost like god himself was holding me in his hand. but then the evil just crept right back into my head again.
i watched the butterfly effect just b4 i went to bed and the dreams were sorta like that. and it was all chinese ppl in my dreams and some koreans as well. mostly kids. that were posessed or killing ppl or killing themselves or just doing bad things in general. the thing that freaks me is i didnt feel like i was asleep it was like i was watching them. and wenever i woke fully id be wide awake, i cudnt sleep properly, yet i felt exhausted.
i skipped my 6am chinese lesson cos i was tired and too afraid to get out of bed. i was lying there just trying to think of some happy thoughts in hope that they'd overtake my dreams. one of my dreams actually included my fmily, dying in front of me on a pirate ship (?!?!?!!?!!!) which sounds lame and stupid but it was horrid. maybe i shud hav got out of bed to make the dreams stop. i dont know.
at least they r over now i guess. but i mean im almost too afraid to get in the shower. im a wuss i know. i wish id stop having stupid dreams. im trying to figure out if my stupid dreams have only taken place since we've been in this new apartment. i believe there are evil spirits and good spirits. the people that were in here b4 us worshiped budha. they had budha and yin yan stuff everywhere. dad said he prayed b4 we came in here to sorta like, pray that if there was anything evil in here it wud flee. i hope they are all gone.