goodbye

its 12:45am. i just got home from sydney and im so tired that ill probably fall asleep writing this entry. but i just dont feel like going to bed just yet.
the house is so so so quiet. not to mention empty. karen has been in the process of moving out and i walked into a house with next-to-no furniture. wasnt exactly the 'homely' feeling i was wanting to soak up to make up for the fact that my mum isnt here to give a kiss goodnight.
i think thats wots keeping me from going to bed actually. i want to say good nigh to my family. but i cant :( im sure they are all FAST asleep now. they fly out back to china tomorrow.
i had a good time with them hey. but it just went so fast. i cant believe how fast it went. its weird, when i arrived it was all very exciting...10 mins later it was like old times again. i relax more with my family than i do with anyone else. which is to be expected really i guess.
the conference was excellent - but thats a whole other entry. we really only had saturday and sunday to spend together as the conference was so time consuming, not to mention exhausting.
sadly tho, a couple invited themselves over to our room for the whole of saturday. so a potential family day turned out to be, well, not a family day and my mum was expected to wait on this couple hand and foot. dont get me wrong. i still had some fun. i played tennis and frisby with jon and shani and dad and that was deffinately a good laugh. but real family time can only happen when there is just family around.
saturday night dad just watched the cricket of course. totally ignored all of us.
sunday he went off to church. we went to the shops as mum had to get a few things to take back to china. by the time we got back to the hotel i had 3 hours to pack and spend some quality time with them. once id packed we sat down to play some board games together. but suprise suprise dad was glued to the television. "thanks dad"
i did actually have a brief special moment with dad the day i arrived. at the conference we had a session where u cud go do a thingo on prayer and one of was on leadership. i stayed in the leadership one, as did dad. towards the end we had to partner up with someone we knew well and write: "3 things about you that work for me" and "3 things about you that DONT work for me" and "what i expect from you/ what i hold you accountable for" dad and i were partners. i told him straight what i dont like. hahaha. i said he was impatient, needs to reconsider how he talks to people and i cant remember the other one. i felt bad cos he only wrote one bad thing about me. haha "when you tell me im wrong, and i know ur right!" haha. made me laugh. but yeh there was a whole lot of other things and it bought us clse together - but only for the remainder of that day...then he went back to his usual rude, selfish person.
i mean i love my dad so much. i really do. i just wish he wasnt such an idiot. its like he says something that is SO rude. yet he cant see the problem with it. and u just want to slap him. anyway
the 'goodbye' was very rushed. someone foned in the last few mins that i had with my family and didnt seem to understand "im about to leave for the airport i have to go!"
so yeh a rushed goodbye as dad insisted that everyone go to church, which meant them leaving the same time as me, but their lift came early and yeh. very rushed. i was very upset. mum was crying. jon and shani's face to expression-less. dad seemed more interested in getting his lift to church.
i just miss them so much already.
i dont want to go to bed bcos i know ill just cry and i dont want to cry cos ive been crying all night it seems and my eyes are so sore i just wish they were here. or i was there. woteva. i just wish we didnt have to apart like this. its so unfair. and now ive just made myself even more upset.
i just really want my mum :-(

god really pulled thru

well i found me the perfect car! yay. ive had it since wednesday now and its going great guns!
its a silver ford festiva, a late 98 model. has 4 doors, air con, power steering and cd player.
it goes well and i love it! god really did come thru for me. my patience paid off!
i also found a place to live today which is great. im glad that weight is off my shoulders. its with 2 girls from church. funny - this time last yr i wud neva hav moved in with someone from church. but yeh, it seems perfect for me. and hopefully ill still b able to hold culture group there. im just so happy that its all worked out! and its all been god. i mean i dont want to sound all holy and religious but it really was him. i just gave it to him and told him to take care of it (altho i did get a little stresssed and frustrated along the way!) but yeh, i always knew god wud sort it out. i think this will make a big difference in my faith in the future.

do they miss me?

this evening i was washing off my makeup and i had a flash back of wen i was packing my things to leave china earlier this year. i was in my brothers room and nicking some moistouriser to bring home. i remember seeing jon's face as i pumped out some of the cream. it was like it was hitting him that i was leaving but didnt want to show emotion. i mean maybe im totally wrong. maybe he was annoyed cos id distracted him from his computer game and he lost a life or something. i dont know.
but it made me wonder, if jon and shani miss me. it made me wonder how often they think of me? do they go a week without wondering how i am? or a day? or, do they think of me several times a day? and when they do think of me, are they sad cos im not there? or are they laughing inside about something funny that happened while we were together. i know these are all rather self centred thoughts- but lets face it, we all like to be missed.
i think of my family every day. even if it is briefly. i think of them in my prayers and when i walk past pics of us together. or if something happens this reminds me of something to do with them. but other than that i choose to try to not think of them so that i dont get upset. even writing about them now makes my heart ache and my eyes water. i know if i start crying, the tears will flow for ages.
i just love jon and shani so much. i got a letter from mum today and the first thing she mentioned was that it was only 19 days til we were going to see one another. i couldnt believe that my mum was counting down the days. i was so touched. and it made me think of what it was like leaving them all behind in china wen i left to go back to australia. i cant explain how much it hurt. my tears were more real than ever. and so many ppl were staring at me becos i was sitting waiting to board with tears flowing like a river. i just couldnt stop. and pain i felt inside was horrible. and my last waves goodbye. and then realising i was past the point where i could s till see them. i felt a small state of panic. this was it- i was leaving my family behind, again. and it made me dread saying goodbye again later on this month.
i sometimes wonder if jon and shani are mad at me, for leaving them. i wonder what goes thru their minds, when i pack my bags and leave. they never cry. do they cry later? or are they just used to it now? is life better wen im not around? but i just love them so much. and i hate knowing that it will be a year b4 i see them again after my visit with them in syd later on this month.
it really is horrible when u havent got family around. i have plenty of adopted family and a wonderful support network here. but sometimes i just wish i cud hug my mum. or paint nails with shani or be an idiot with jon or watch a movie with dad. and i dont have that. where i am now i have been alone for 3 weeks. ive discovered that i dont cope well being alone. i mean, i do cope. but i dont like it one bit. ive never craved human contact and affection more than i am at the moment. *sigh*
i just wish that there were less goodbyes in life. they really do hurt so so so much

fnapigaighraofjarfjr <--cudnt think of a title!

well i have survived my first week of uni...it feels so funny saying that on a tuesday night!
monday i had two classes and today i had 4 (i think) so far i have pretty much enjoyed all of them. the language tute was rather flat tho. im hoping that the tutor tries to get a bit more excited about our course material. it did kind of seem like she hadnt even looked at the course material until she rocked up to class which wasnt very encouraging. another student also observed that she said "um" alot - which is a worry in a language unit!!!
overall tho i am happy and excited. the work load in some units seems heavy, but i think that if i wasnt capable, i wouldnt be here. therefore i am capable and my grades from last semester do reflect that. so im looking fwd to kicking some butt this semester. haha.
one of my units is a catholic unit - despite it being titled "celebrating CHRISTIAN rituals" and i think this could serve for some interesting debates, or at least some internal explosions of frustration on my part. the catholic religion sure has alot of rules. but i know it will be interesting. plus it pays to know about what other people believe in, you can then respect them and their boundaries a little more. but yeh. im sorry why ppl become catholic and allow that rubbish teaching into their minds is BEYOND ME! my friend emma said that her lecuturer said genesis is a myth and that the bible can not be taken literally! i cudnt believe it when i heard that! how can u teach something that u believe is a myth? and he is a brother! he is not just any old yobbo off the street, catholicism (i dont think thats a word) is supposedly his life.
my tutor also made the interesting comment that church is not really a celebration in the sense of how we celebrate other events in our lives. haha. that made me laugh inside. i felt like saying "bro, u need to come to sunset coast! every service is a celebration of jesus and how he saved us" anyway, as i said, it shud b 'interesting'!

b4 going to studio tonight my landlord came to the door and delivered some bad news. news that is extremely untimely. i am shocked and believe that it is not of god that i leave this place now. i know he will take care of it. i dont want to talk about it alot. i got strongly to only share this problem with ppl that can pray about it, not gossip about it and make it worse. i just know that god will take care of the situation. i need to cast that care upon him and believe for his favour in this situation. i just wont let myself get attacked like this. this is not wot i deserve and i wont bow down and give up i am going to be strong!

anyway
im off to beddy-byes

good clean fun.

last night was my friend Anna's birthday celebration and i had so much fun!!! goood CLEAN fun at that. just what the dr ordered. after anna dropped me home i was walking up to my villa and i thought "what a contrast to last sunday night" since i still dont know how i even got home last sunday. i know im human and we make mistakes. and theres no point constantly grilling yourself over stupid mistakes you made, but as i walked in the door i thought about how this wonderful night is a reminder that you dont need alcohol to have an absolute blast...you dont need a club or a pub to have a laugh with some guys. and you will never, ever find the good quality people that i was with last night in a bar drinking...why? because they are BETTER THAN THAT! and i want to be better than that too. in fact no, i know that i am better than that, and i plan to stay that way.

every time that i get invited out to a club or bar im going to remind myself of this huge contrast from one week to the next and remember how much more i enjoyed last night. honestly i just cant believe how much fun i had last night - at a restaurant! but with an awesome bunch of people. i always think, when im at church and im not around ruth or emma "omg i have no friends i feel like a looser" but last night looking around, all those ppl, were not only anna's friends, but my friends too. and gosh i dont think ive laughed that hard in a while!!
and the guys are all just so lovely. you can chat and chat away and have a civil conversation thats not gonna lead to "so you come here often?" or something a little more cheesy.

i dunno, there are no words for what i need to say. but yeh, last night was great and im so thankful to God for showing me the that the grass is actually ALOT greener on MY side of the fence!!!