meh

self esteem....
its such a horrible thing. i dont believe its ever constant. or at least not if ur female
it just has such an impact on u, especially wen its low
u want to hide, behind anything. u cant be yourself cos u feel self conscious.
its horrible
i hate feeling low about myself

im not left behind

its hard to explain how it used to feel when tyrone would tell me he'd met someone.
id feel jealous, first and foremost.
id feel like exploding - mostly with tears but sometimes with rage.
all i wanted to do was convince him that she was wrong for him and in the process show him the light that i was the right one - the only one for him.
how sad.
sad that i was so rediculous
sad that, that was me, being his 'best' friend.
but our friendship was far from healthy.
and altho we joke and laugh about it today, it really was the MOST unhealthy relationship/friendship i have ever had. it damaged me in so many ways
yet now it also defines me....strange that isnt it? but in ways im not sure i can even explain.

well things have changed now. our friendship is back to normal and no more in a stage of 'code red'. we are normal! we talk about normal things and share life and dont cross the line. i now have healthy friendships with ppl of the same and the opposite sex.
tyrone and i really will always be mates. but i guess every friendship has its seasons. and right now i just love the season we r in!

recently he met this girl. she sounds wonderful. and hearing him talk about her is just so....beautiful. he adores her it seems and i can tell he really cares about her and sincerely respects her. it excites me that a guy who only cared about 'picking up' can completely turn around and change his ways for a woman that captivates him. it reminds me how much it will be worth the wait! and FINALLY..... im not jealous at all.
wot a great feeling!

but i recently encountered a new feeling....heartache. i got a late sms from ty the other night basically saying that things were over between him and this new girl. it was kind of vague but i cud see he was trying to be tough. it broke my heart. my heart ached for him becos he had been hurt and that hurt me too. it was so weird, i realised as i almost cried for him, that id never done this before. with every other girl i was happy it was over cos i didnt want him to be with thsoe girls. even tho i pretended to be sad for him, inside i was so relieved. but wow, things have changed. i was really concerned ffor him and was feeling down that things hadnt worked out.

to make a long long story short, ty and his lady are all good now.
i dont really even know if ive made my point yet. im not even sure wot my point is. all i know is it feels so good to finally be happy for tyrone and be excited about his new life and the wonderful ppl he is meeting...without feeling jealous or left behind.

Living for God

1 Peter 4:


this scripture really touched me this morning.

1 Peter 4: 1-7

1
So then, since Christ suffered physical pain, you must arm yourselves with the same attitude he had, and be ready to suffer, too. For if you are willing to suffer for Christ, you have decided to stop sinning.
2
And you won't spend the rest of your life chasing after evil desires, but you will be anxious to do the will of God.
3
You have had enough in the past of the evil things that godless people enjoy--their immorality and lust, their feasting and drunkenness and wild parties, and their terrible worship of idols.
4
Of course, your former friends are very surprised when you no longer join them in the wicked things they do, and they say evil things about you.
5
But just remember that they will have to face God, who will judge everyone, both the living and the dead.
6
That is why the Good News was preached even to those who have died--so that although their bodies were punished with death, they could still live in the spirit as God does.
7
The end of the world is coming soon. Therefore, be earnest and disciplined in your prayers.