wow. things got beta..again!!??!!

i cant believe it
my life just keeps getting better
right when i think "theres no way you can top this" its like God pokes out his tongue and says "wanna bet?!" haha. today at church we had an anointing service where we all got anointed with oil. i was SO excited about it. i remember last yr i thought it was really strange and my biggest worry was if the oil wud leave a mark on my makeup!! but this year i didnt care. i was pumped cos i knew it wud bring so much blessing on my life. the service was amazing. lauren prayed for me and it was so powerful. i feel it was no mistake that she was the one that prayed for me.
anyway i was getting strongly that i had to buy the sunday times. so when ruth janine was driving me home, she kindly bought it for me! i flicked thru it while i watched a movie and didnt see anything much. then after the movie i got ready to go with the beach with some of the crew from church then got a msg that it had been called off. i looked over at the newspaper on my bed and grabbed it again. on second looks a few places jumped outand i called a few of them. only 2 ppl actually answered. one was a very strange man who asked too many questions and the other was Karen. she invited me to go look at the place today if i cud so i did...earlier today i had a convo with rose (a lady i used to live with) and she said that if i ever needed help checking a place out to give her a ring. so that turned out to b a very important conversation! so i called rose and she drove me down.

the place turned out to be mind blowingly PERFECT!!! its in conolly across the road from a RESORT! i mean wow! now i really DO live in paradise! haha. the place is surrounded in lush gardens and golf courses! the place is a two storey villa. in a complex with a pool. its a 3x2. the lady, Karen, has her own ensuite and she's renting out the other two rooms that will share the other bathroom. the villa is so close to shops and transport and uni. its beyond my comprehension at how perfect it is! im still mesmerised! and i move in on wednesday! im so excited.

i just KNOW that this is God. everything this year has all been God. i prayed and prayed and had faith about uni...and i got in. i wudnt let farid intimidate me about work i prayed, and i got my job back...i told God to bring me a perfect place and trusted him to bring me something at the right time and this has turned out too! i mean WOW wot is next!!!! im just so amazed. so excited at how perfect everything is.
wow
wow
wow!
hahaha

i LOVE my country

WOW
yesterday was australia day and i had such an amazing and BRILLIANT time!!! I purposefully had no high expectations of how the day would turn out in order to not be disapointed. but i just had so much fun. i chatted with gals, chatted with guys, relaxed in the shade, played cricket in the sun, went for a dozen walks with all different ppl. it was just a such an awesome day. i even got to see ty for a brief moment (drunk as a skunk) all us chickies that car pooled down there made such an amazing effort as far as costumes go. i can not wait to see the photo's! hehe. i think we looked excellent.
sadly i got very burnt. i didnt think it was that bad til i got him and looked in the mirror and thought "carrie...u idiot" i was really pumped about going for a jog this morning too but i cancelled that cos i was in too much pain :-( anyway, back to yest.
one thing that really blew me away was how amazing some of the guys at my church really are. in one day i got to know some of those guys better than i did in all my previous time combined at sunset coast. on the drive home i thought to myself "wow, they really are nice guys" none are bf material but, really good 'mates'. i still cant believe that rick, rob and gaz came and helped us carry our stuff down and find parking spaces and then how they also helped us carry our stuff to our cars after the sky show AND waited with us til we left! how nice! even like, sven, who i always found kind of strange, i now think is cool and a total crack up, just cos of the 10-15 mins we spent hauling an esky together. haha. that was our first decent convo EVER. its always just been small talk. its always been small talk with all of those guys. but now i realise they have characters. haha.
another thing that left me mesmerised was how amazing perth is. its so beauitful. we had such a wonderful view, of the river, the city, kings park, everything. we really live in a paradise. the sunset was truly amazing i had such a lovely time standing with ruth during sunset as we gawked in amazement...and joked like idiots about the stuff going on around us. haha. my ruth janine, she cracks me up. i love her laugh. its so infectious.
the fire works were amazing. i always hav said to myself "if uv'e seen one set of fireworks, u've seen them all"...but now i know im wrong.

i also loved the aussie spirit that u cud feel and see all day. it was thick and unavoidable...aussie flag capes, dresses, tops, mini skirts, everything! us aussies really do get stuck into it! and i think everyone on the foreshore looked great.

WE LOVE OUR COUNTRY!
I LOVE MY COUNTRY!

accepting me.

im off to work in about 10 mins. but im pretty much all packed n ready so i thought id quickly jump on here. had a good weekend. been spending alot of time with friends from church and im loving it. i always knew they were good company but yeh, spending time with them has been really fulfilling and im enjoying it so much. there is no peer pressure or the feeling of needing to impress. its relaxed and friendly and fun. im really looking fwd to spending australia day with the whole crew at the foreshore. this time last yr i dont think i cud hav imagined anything worse than spending australia day with ppl from church. funny how things/ppl change.
ive started reading this book called "purpose driven life" and im really enjoying it. its a 40 day 'spiritual journey' and today was about how im no accident and god planned everything. he created me. and the question to consider was: "I know God uniquely created me. What areas of my personality, background and physical appearance am i struggling to accept?"
that really pierced my heart. i have no issues with my personality or background but my physical appearance really does bother me. i hate my freckles, i wish i had bigger boobs and my butt is too wobbly!! i cud also do with losing at least 2 kilo's. but its my freckles that get to me the most. becos they make me so abnormal. i would do ANYTHING to not have freckles and just be like everyone else. but...i guess this morning when i read that i realised that i God gave me freckles. and i shouldnt bring down wot God gave me. they arent going away and i just have to learn to see them as a feature im priveldged to have. which wont happen over night. but i can see now that i need to just accept how i am. afterall, everyone else does!

the week in summary

well its hard to believe that ive been back in australia for a week. my time in china feels like it almost didnt happen. it feels so far away, but it was only a week ago. A WEEK! so much has happened not just, thru situations but also in my mind. where do i even begin!?

well, i arrived in perth last saturday. i remember the flight from bris to perth...i checked my watch every 10 mins to half an hour to see how long it was til i arrived. i was gonna b seeing tyrone for the first time in 7 months and i was so pumped. more pumped about that than anything! as i walked out of the little hall way and into arrivals i searched for his face but didnt see it...so i kept walking, assuming he wasnt there yet. but he was. he was standing away from the ground, grinning. im not sure if he was grinning at me trying to find him or if he was happy to see me. haha. either way i didnt care i was so happy to see him :-)

sunday was my first day back at church. my beautiful ruth janine picked me up. i was so nervous. and i wasnt really in the mood for being interogated with questions...thankfully tho all the questions were the same and i gave the same answers, over and over again. it felt so right to be back.
sunday night cara and i went out (wow it was so good to b hanging out with her again) we went to a sunday a session in scarborough. got a lil bit tipsy but had a good time together. good laughs all round.

monday i called Farid at jeanswest and got my job back WOO HOO!!! i was so happy about that. so i went into claremont, signed the paper work and bought some work clothes. i then went into the city and bought some new shoes..so cute.

tuesday..hmm let me think.. im pretty sure i went and had lunch with ruth janine and anna..yeh i did! at hillary's. WOW. its so gorgeous at hillary's boat harbour. i forgot how amazing it is. u truly do need to b plucked from paradise before u realise that you were ever in it! perth is such an amazing and gorgeous city, i dont know how ppl cud live anywhere else. it felt like god was really showing off his creation that day to show me that perth was where i needed to be, its where my future lies for now.
after that i met up with julie, the lady i used to live with and i saw jack and her hubby erin too. that was nice. so good to see them all again!

hmm, wednesday, wot did i do?.... um. i know i went shopping. i think. gosh wots wrong with me. im getting tired. i know wednesday night i caught up with jay boy and we had a coffee. i cant remember the rest. HAHA.

thursday was my birthday. i turned 20..so hard to believe. i went and had my hair done (which i didnt end up liking) then i had lunch with my friend Lisa, then she dropped me off at work and i worked from 2-9pm. yep,,worked on me birthday! but i was ok with that. i knew that if i wasnt working i wudnt b doing anything anyway so it was prolly best.

friday i went to the hairdressers again to get my hair fixed! got more blonde put thru. so that was good. it looks MUCH better now! its a real dark rich brown with chunks of blonde thru the top. yay! then i worked at whitfords from 10:30-5pm. i got home and started getting ready. ty and i went out for dinner (for my bday). it was delicious. i bought a new outfit just for the occasion. a cute black mini and a green racer-back that had lace on the back and a pin on flower and i got this hot matching green clutch and i wore my black stileto's and some fake tan! haha. it looked pretty good if i do say so myself..lol and tyrone said he "rated the kit" we went to the GBT after dinner. didntstay too long. i kinda chuckeda bit of a sad at ty cos he wudnt dance. so we left and went back to my place. we hung out and chatted for a few hours. it was 1am wen he left. he's so precious. he got me this lovely card. about friendship. it really touched me. he gave me $100 and 100 rand (south african money) "for when you visit me in south africa"...haha. cheeky boy. reckons its only 1/2 my present tho and that he didnt have time to buy me wot he had in mind..hhmm mysterious! so we shall see.

today was ok. i was up at 6:30am. just automatically. i didnt have to work which was pretty cool. i got up, checked my email umm...then fi got up. we played with the dogs a bit. then we cleaned up the spare room so that i now have a sitting room for wen friends come over. then we went for a drive (i drove...yay) then we had lunch. then i hada nap. then i did some washing, then ruth janine picked me up at round 5:30pm and we went down the beach and met up with some ppl from church and we went for a run. i really enjoyed it. it totally wore me out hey, my calf muscles were like jelly. running on the sand is such hard work. i remember i had the BIGGEST outfit dilemna. i wanted to wear my new pink short-shorts. but i was like "no, ppl will think im a tart and that its innappropriate to wear clothes like that if ur a christian" which i guess is rediculous but i was really worried. then i thought, "stuff this, i wear clothes like this, and i happen to like them, and the worst that cud happen is to have ppl talk about me behind my back so if ppl wanna talk about my choice of clothing behind my back they can! im not gonna change who i am to pls other ppl!!" and that was that. turned out some of the girls liked them. haha. gosh i worry too much.
so yeh, the jog was awesome fun. hopefully i can go with the crew more often.
then after that some of the girls came back to my place and we watched a chick flick and ate popcorn and chocies and lollies. it was real nice.
but right about now i am so tired.

for some strange reason tho im feeling a little hollow. and i dont know wot it is. like something is missing. part of me feels a little sad. it has been for the last couple of days but ive supressed in an effort to stop it from overcoming me. i dont know wot it is, or why its rising up inside me.

things really hav been going so amazing for me tho. getting my job back, getting into uni! OH YEH! thats wot happened on wednesday! i got into uni! haha. so yeh i really am so happy. i guess with such an amazing positive start to the year its got me thinking how amazing the rest of the year will be and wondering wot will come of 2005. i wonder where ill end up living? i wonder if ill meet a nice guy? i wonder how ill feel come new years 2006. will i have a sense of completion and happiness? i hope so. cos things really are looking up for me. and im so happy.

blog from jan 13th 2005

wrote this "blog entry" in a notebook while in transit at osaka airport on the 13th of jan....


Emotions truly are surpisingly unpredictable and way beyond our control. while packing yesterday, while sleeping last night, white travelling to the aiport today...i felt nothing. it didnt feel like i was leaving AT ALL. i felt no excitement no sadness, i felt nothing. All i felt was confussion for why i was feeling nothing! So I'm not sure if that counts..haha. Even when we were checking my bags and getting my boarding pass i turned to Mum and said "It doesnt feel like I'm leaving." She just smiled.

5 minutes later though, it was time to say goodbye. I think my heart went into shock when mum said "Well Carrie, this is as far as we can go with you sorry." i was like "oh no". We took some photo's nad i cud feel the sadness welling up inside me and overwhelming feelings of loss emptied me right out. Shani was the first one i hugged goodbye and that was it...the tears started flowing. i couldnt let go of her. I couldnt believe it. THIS WAS IT. that 4 n a half to five months had come and gone too quickly for me to be able to do anything except freak out at the end of it. i cried more and more as i said bye to jon and Dad and finally, mum :-( Dad said over and over to remember to never be afraid to ask if i need anything. Mum didnt really say anything just hugged me and said she loved having me around.

I headed my way up the escalators to go through immigration before getting to the waiting room. Going up that escalator was so painful and the tears flowed so much. i waved my last goodbyes and blew them all kisses...then cried all the way through immigration and the security checks.

Mum had bought an 'IC card' so i could call her mobile when i got through to let them know that i was all good. i was still so upset and called them still in tears. i could hardly speak. eventually i settled down and spoke to everyone again. i guess for about 10 mins. i hung up the fone and burst into tears again. i went to the bathroom to try and compose myself then wen i went and st in the waiting room i pulled out a letter that shani had written for me. deep down i knew she'd write me a note..it was so sweet. and yep...it made me cry. the staff must have thought i looked rediculous.

eventually i boarded the plane, it was much bigger than i thought it would be and we got our own individual TV"S! AWESOME! i enjoyed flying over Dalian but it seemed like just one or two minutes before land was nolonger visable and it was water as far as the eye could see. once all land was out of site i felt like a huge hole had formed inside me. China truly does own a peice of me.

I saw a little bit of South Korea. it was very mountainous - beautiful. Here i am now though, in Osaka, Japan. The time is at least going fast. its 6:30pm. my flight leaves at about 9:25pm. tired to get on the internet before but they were all taken. ill go looking for a free one soon. i'm aching to email mum,dad, jon n shani. i miss them SO much at the moment. i know that if we were together now jon and shani and i would be laughing at our own stupid jokes. Dad would be sighing impatiently and mum would be fussing - over everything!

Gosh i miss them :-( :-( :-(

time is running short

wow. today is monday. i leave thursday. so hard to believe.i spent this past thurs,fri,sat and part of sun guessing wot id be doing on those days next week. and i knew my predictions wud b fairly right...thursday: flying, friday:with ben, saturday:with tyrone, sunday morning:church...but after church on sunday morning i have no idea whats next!

but then, will what ive generally predicted b right? will i spend saturday night crying? or will i stay up all night talking to fi? or will someone convince to go out and have a big night? who knows. im not scared. im excited. im a lil nervous i guess. about work mostly. this is a new chapter for me. will be interesting to see how it all unfolds thats for sure.

and ive started to realise that my goodbye will not just be for my family and friends that are here physically in china, but also the few good friends ive made online. there are some ppl that i chat to on msn every day and ive come very accustomed to chatting with them. being there for each other when we're happy or sad. will be weird not being able to talk to them. but some of us have exchanged numbers etc so we can sms/call. so not everything is lost :-)

i know that saying bye to my family is gonna b so tough and that im not planning on wearing ANY eye makeup cos im gonna bawl my eyes out. its even gonna b hard to leave behind Kai Fai Qu and down town Dalian. yesterday i was down town doing some shopping and i knew it wud b the last time id b in there b4 i leave and i felt such a sadness leaving the city centre. i have some good memories there - mostly involving dan.

im so excited!

closure

i got a reply from dan today.
gosh my heart stopped when i saw that reply sitting in my inbox.
he said that meeting me was one of the highlights of his year and that he does like me but given the short time frame we've had to get to know each other he's still unsure of what he REALLY feels.
also that i made him sound like this great guy and was glad that i didnt have the chance to get to know him better and realise that he was just a regular guy, like other guys ive known, and feel disapointed. then he talked about me meeting a person perfect for me in oz and wish me luck with everything.

a HUGE weight has lifted off my shoulders. last night i was discussing how upset i was with my friend andy. in the end i had to leave cos i was so upset. i went upstairs to my room, locked the door behind me and bawled. every sweet memory felt so sour. but now, all those sweet memories are sweet again and despite that period of extreme heartache i have no regrets anymore and im looking back at it all with a smile.


its funny tho...i got that email from dan and i realised i felt relieved...that he wasnt declaring his love for me...i realised im so not ready for something like that. im not ready for love. im not ready for something that serious...hell im ACHING to get back to australia and run a muck...u cant do that wen ur attached. im just not ready.

gosh its so weird how my emotions switched right over so quickly. and now i can get on with my life and stop feeling sorry for myself!!!!!
so..talking about my life...wot else has been happening with me apart from being hung over about a guy?

it snowed the other day!!!!!!!!! oh my! it was beautiful!!! on wednesday night it was...it got a lil heavy but only like ankle deep at most. we were at a friends house and on the way home it was snowing and it felt so lovely. so pretty. it was so cute...jon was doing run ups and skidding across the pavement..typical! boys cant help themselves! i was writing my name in the snow. and then...it started...SNOW BALLS!!!!! jon and i had a snow ball fight. he kicked my arse. i wasnt wearing any gloves, so after two measly little snow balls i cudnt feel my fingers anymore. actually, i thought they were pretty good sized ones, until i saw the boulder-sized snow balls jon was making! hahaha. he was wearing gloves tho so it wasnt fair!!! i got showered with them. haha. gosh i was in tears of laughter.

the other news thats headlining is my departure...its 5 days from now. hard to believe that ive been here nearly 4 and a half months...so weird. its gone so unbelievably fast. so much has happened. i hope that im a better person. tonite mum and i had the night together...everyone else was off doing their own thing. so we went shopping. that didnt last long cos it was outside shopping and all the streets are still iced over and cold and VERY slippery. we ended up going to pizza hut for dinner - which is a novely here in china. and i cud feel mum feeling so wound up and anxious about me leaving. so sad. i cud hardly make eye contact with her. she knows im excited about going back..i dont think she realises how truly sad i am tho. *sigh* oh the sadness of life sometimes!!

i guess the good thing is..i feel there is a song for every emotion, every sadness ive felt, every happiness, every peice of lust or love...which means im not alone in my pain or confusion, it means someone else has felt it too.

nothing to u

"I am everything u want

i am everything u need

i am everything inside of u

that you wish u cud be

i say all the right things

at exactly the right time

but i mean nothing to you

and i dont know why."

on a much brighter note...

well i wont let a man bring me down
i have been really blessed by the people around me. friends of my parents, that are also friends of mine have been giving me money for when i got back to australia. i wont say how much - but its alot more than i cud ever have imagined.
turns out i had NOTHING to worry about when it came to my financial position when i returned and im so happy that i can return to australia care free and know that i have plenty of money for a while.
wow. i guess this is something good that i should really focus on, rather than letting silly little things bring me down.

the cold shoulder

well maybe sometimes being honest and sharing how you really feel isnt always the best option. i dont know if what i wrote scared him or maybe he just doesnt feel the same but yeh im convinced dan is not at all interested.
today i spoke to him online for like a minute cos i logged on just as he was leaving (apparently, altho now im not convinced of the truth in that) we said hi and then he said that he'd received my email but hadnt yet had time to reply and that he was sorry. i wasnt too bothered about that. i said that i was sorry that it was a little heavy and he said 'heavys ok'. then he said that i had bad timing and he was just on his way out to an apointment. he said he'd email me soon, and with that he was gone.

during my class today i was thinking of that short conversation. and i realised that if dan really felt the same as i did, he wud have said "hey i got ur email and i feel the same way! but sorry i gotta run, chat soon..." ...or something along those lines. i mean i wasnt sitting there obsessing over the conversation, but yeh, that thought just kinda popped into my head. the fact that he said nothing kind of says to me that he plans on breaking it to me gently, or never breaking it to me at all.

so yeh, anyway i just came online then. and i saw that dan was online. but i didnt talk to him straight away. i logged onto my email then went to say hello, but...he was gone. my heart sunk. it seems to me as tho he left, cos i came online. i mean that only screams one thing doesnt it? maybe im jumping to conclusions..maybe he needs time to think it all thru and is avoiding me while he gets his head in order. but i doubt it :-(

*sigh* im so confused about this. im sitting here thinking "what happened to the dan i knew? or thought i knew?" this is just so weird. 3 weeks ago this was not a one sided thing. in fact he initiated every 'move' that was made pretty much. so that to me says that he was interested and that he was pursuing me. i was so sure that he wasnt using me as he seemed to respect me at times where most men wud use the situation to their advantage...i.e...me sleeping in his bed, but him sleeping in an entirely different apartment so i didnt feel uncomfortable.

it just makes no sense and i dont know wot i did to deserve this cold shoulder. im not sad enuff to cry. but i am hurt. i feel so betrayed and VERY confused. WOT THE HELL DID I DO WRONG!?

men are so hard to read and understand. just when u think u've found a good one...

*ouch*---> yet the pain was to be expected

*sigh* well the inevitable has come to pass..as predicted by many. well in a way it has. today i got an email from dan saying that he wont b back from hong kong til march. cos he planned to go south on holidays later next week anyway and this weekend he's going to indonesia with his dad to help prep for the arrival of medical teams there.

i was heart broken. i cant believe i dont get to say goodbye to him. i cant believe that i will most likely never seem him again...my hot, sexy dark angel as i once called him. haha. if i had of known that the last time i saw him was gonna b the last time i saw him..well, i wuda kissed him and said something special. :-( instead we hugged smiled and said we'd see each other later...but we never did 'see each other later'.so yeh. im sad. i went to my room and had a good cry. i felt so frustrated and upset. upset that i didnt get to say goodbye and frustrated that his email didnt contain an 'i miss u' or 'sorry we didnt get to say goodbye'. not really a good sign. but what am i saying? wot wud have been a good sign? its such a dead end. secretly i hope that he'll decide to re-locate to australia or something. but its such a far-fetched day dream.

anyway. since one of my "i wills" was not to b afraid of "love" i emailed him back and told him how i felt. simply because i know its important and ill always regret it if i dont tell him. i've copied and pasted parts of my email here - i guess as a reminder that i did what i could to make sure dan knew how special he was to me and that i have nothing to regret. just good memories to enjoy...

"well, i wont lie to you dan im so sad that i dont get to see you before i go. sad that i dont get to say a proper goodbye to you. but i guess thats life and you cant have everything you want. i feel i have so much to say to you but dont even know where to start. its not really my style to have a 'discussion' like this via email but im not gonna see you face to fave prolly ever again so i guess i dont have much of a choice. gosh, dan i really like you. i know you know that. i know ive told you. but i guess im saying it again cos i feel i need to and ill regret it for the rest of my life if i dont.

i think your so amazing. from the first time i saw u i felt like, like i was on air. you make me smile and leave me smiling for hours after ive seen you. i just cant explain the way u uplift me. your the most special guy i have ever met.in fact id convinced myself that men like you didnt exist. haha. i know that in all reality im still getting to know u, but thats my impression of you so far. i hate that i cant have you. i hate that we had to meet under such circumstances and i hate that ill never see you again. it tears me into shreds. everything about u sweeps me off my feet...the way u look at me, the way u rub my fingers when you hold my hands, the way u kiss...DAMN ur kisses drive me so crazy.

anyway.i dont know what i honestly expected us to amount to. my best friend told me over and over that this wud end with me going my way and u going urs and i always knew he was right but basically i shut the horrible thought out and enjoyed every moment i could with you.im not putting this on you for any reason. i just..ive been so afraid to say anything to you about how i felt but i feel if i dont ill really kick myself. i dont expect you to have anything to say back to any of this..so dont feel like you owe me anything. i know that you have prolly met girls alot more interesting and 100 times more beautiful than me.

i never intended to fall for u dan. but i did. im sorry i cudnt help it
im going to miss you so much. pls, pls keep in contact..."

2004 in reflection and review

well its hard to believe thats its finally 2005. my new years was very uneventful. i spent it at home. well, we went out for hot pot which was lovely. and i shouted everyone a sundae from macca's. when we got home we played cards and then 'the party'...died! i went upstairs and continued with my addiction to "24" until about 30 seconds to midnight when everyone shouted out for me. so i ran downstairs as we had about 5 different countdowns cos every clock and every watch in the house had different times. haha. that was pretty funny. as i walked back upstairs i started to REALLY reflect on 2004...as you do on new years eve. i realised that this time last year i wasnt even 'with it' i had passed out. certainly a very different new years to this one. i still cant believe that stupidly i drunk myself into a flopping, spewing wreck. ill never do that again...
so what was 2004 a bout? what happened? what did i do?
hmm, well i had...1 bf? yeh, i bf..gosh. i was about to write 3...but that was 2003..i think. hahaha. gosh. the years are all melting together.
but the one man i dated, his name was Neale. we didnt last though. we only dated for a week or two. i met him thru a friend from yr 12. they worked together. he was my hight, bleeched blonde hair, nice body, gorgeous smile beauitful blue eyes...total sweety really. it was really total bliss with him. but as much as i liked him, he seemed to like me alot more. and soon marriage was being indirectly referred to, so i broke up with him. ill always hold him close to my heart though. and he helped me realise that i deserve a good man. he always treated me like such a princess. i remember on valentines day he had planned something but wudnt tell me!! it was a saturday and we were sposed to meet after i finished work. but he called about 4pm and said "wow u look gorgeous today"...and there he was, standing at the door! haha. i was so suprised. we went back to my place after work finished and i got changed. he took me to the movies and then we went back to his, he picked something up and we walked down to hillaries. he took me up to his favourite place. its a lookout that i didnt even know existed. and you can see all down the south coast line. it was so beautiful. we sat down and out of his back pack came a bottle wine, two wine glasses and a chicken salad that he had made himself!!!! it was so romantic and i was so impressed. we deffinately werent meant for each other cos we are just so different. but yeh, he helped me 'raise the bar' haha.

hmm, work was also very significant. i applied for uni and demoted myself to casual when i found out that id gotten into the UPC course. however i still had good hours. ill always love jeanwest. as much as the pressure drives me nuts sometimes...sales pressure is so rediculous sometimes. but i love dressing ppl up! and even though ive had my fair share of horrible customers i was always blessed with LOVELY customers too. i remember an elderly lady came back with a box of chocolates once to thank me, a middle aged lady also bought me a block of chocolate and a mother and daughter also called both my manager and regional manager AND wrote a letter to say how awesome i was...i mean im not trying to brag (altho i was very proud) but ppl like that, make everything worth it. its so nice to be appreciated.

then there was uni. oh how i really just LOVED my time at uni! i made some pretty good friends. met some really precious young ppl. was always interesting watching the kids that were fresh out of highschool...they were so convinced that it still mattered if u were cool or not. i really enjoyed most of my lecturers and tutors. they were nice ppl and as much as the pressure drove me a lil nuts at times (specially my maths unit - thank god for tyrone) i really did just love my course and love the time there. i spent alot of time studying and researching in the library and also in the labs and when it came time to leave as the end of the course i was sad - because ecu had really become my home. my santuary. i felt safe there. and i felt like i was doing something important. so yeh, my time at uni was special.

then of course...theres my time in china! wow. wot an experience this has been! so much as happened. i got some photo's developed to take home with me the other day...278 photo's! haha..all totally brilliant memories. which is why this time has been so special here, cos the memories are great..happy, interesting, inspirational and funny too!

tyrone...as usual tyrone is always a big part of my life cos he's so much help and he's so precious to me. sadly 7 months of this year we have been away from each other...actually prolly more like 8. yet he has still been the best of friends to me!!

sunset coast christian life centre...my church. altho its not a place of perfection it sure is amazing and the ppl there are so lovely. i started out on tea and coffee there then started ushering -which i really enjoyed. then i joined choir too and started to run bookshop and also teach at club180. it was nice to get involved. i will admit sometimes though, serving was so overwhelming and drove me a little nuts. but when you look at the bigger picture it really is great to be able to play a part in the operation of a place that supplies so much support and no job is more important than the other. but yeh, sunset coast has had a pretty big input on my life this year.

hhmmm, wot else. well, ill be honest. sadly, my new years experience didnt entirely put me off drinking. i dont ill ever 'give up' drinking. its something i enjoy but there were a few times last year where i really just pushed the button a little hard. and in some ways i think im lucky that i didnt end up in a hospital getting my stomach pumped. so i guess, its a year that did teach me something...it just took a few times for it to get thru to my head! :s

i spent alot of last year working on getting my license. which was one hell of an effort. hahaha. for 2 years in a row my new years resolutions have been "get a license and get a car" but so far..nothing! haha. however i passed my phase one test last yr not long b4 i came to china. so now all i have to do is log some hours and pass one more test and ill b on my P's!

in 2004 i kissed too many different men. specially considering that i only had one bf! being out in nightclubs, drinking, or even not drinking (!) i wud end up on that dance floor in the arms of someone who i barely knew and end up kissing some mr nobody. then running off....and finding another mr nobody! without really even thinking about that. i guess one VERY good thing and very healthy thing, was putting an end to my casual relationship with tyrone. (i did one thing right)

one thing i have come to realise...due to a friend bringing it to my attn...although ive never been afraid to like someone and have a good flirt..i am afraid to let them fully into my life. that was proven in the way i dumped neale for talking about marriage. i freaked out. not cos i dont want commitment, but because im afraid to fall in love. im afraid to go out of my way and show my TRUE feelings, cos, lets face it. the last time i did that i got screwed right over. i took a risk, thought it was real but it was all just a load of crap. even when i havent been totally honest about my feelings ive been screwed over too. my friend shane made me see yesterday that using my past hurts, as a reason to not fall for some one is such a joke. and not fair on the men that i will meet in the future. and he's so right.
as far as dan is concerned...its like, i pretty much know its a dead end. yet i feel he should know how i truly feel. but im too afraid to tell him. to afraid that he doesnt feel the same, too afraid that saying how i fell will make me feel it even stronger. but shane is right. i cant leave without telling him...but im so afraid...

so...in light of last year. i have ruled out any new years resolutions. they dont work they are crap.
instead...i have compiled a list of "i will's...." these may end up being just as unsuccessful and just as crappy as the resolutions. haha...but i hope they become more like goals than resolutions....

*i WILL get my license
*i WILL not fear love
*i WILL not kiss strangers!!!
*i WILL date the right man/men
*i WILL try harder to be a better christian
*i WILL value my friendships more and work harder with them
*i WILL put in a bigger effort as far as family in concerned
*i WILL be more responsible with money
and...
*i WILL...never forget dan.

happy new year.