burdens, memories and selfishness

as my time in china draws to an end thoughts of the future are looming over me 24/7.i mean ok, i still have like another 2 months here. but im missing home and thinking of it alot. i like to be organised and plan things out so im running things over in my mind...

*what if i dont get into uni?

*what if farid doesnt keep his word and i dont get my job back?

*will i find someone to live with?

*can i afford to live by myself if i need to?

*if i dont get into uni, will i go to tafe? or just work?

*is moving to cairns still on the cards if things dont work out as planned?

*how quickly can i get my license and a car???!!

*will my friendships be the same?

*will I be the same?

*will i meet the man of my dreams? ....ever? (hahaha, i threw that in for a laugh)

being here in china i look down at my life in perth, almost as if from a higher perspective - from the clouds or something. it seems a little shallow and meaningless yet i miss it so much at the same time.

being at home again i havent really had to pay for much and the financial burden thats coming wen i get back is haunting me already - 2 months prior to its beginning. i hate stressing about rent, food all that stuff. mind u, i spend money on things i shudnt like clothes and shoes so its my own fault. ppl say that money shouldnt rule ur life, but in a way it rules mine. i mean alot of ppl who say that to me, still live at home. so its easy for them to say! actually i wud say that money doesnt rule me...it stresses me out. ive enjoyed not having that stress for a while and im not looking fwd to it returning.

i need to stop looking 'down' on my life in aus tho. cos really, i was happy! i had some crappy moments. that goes without saying. im not gonna recount any of those. but ive had some awesome times too. tyrone and cara have really enriched my life.
i have one on one moments spent with ty that left me floating in bliss. i remember earlier this yr, tyrone came over. he was soon to leave for sth africa and he wouldnt be back before i left for china so we werent gonna see each other for ages. i remember we went shopping, i helped him findsome hot jeans and he bought a real nice gold bracelet for himself. then we went out for dinner at hans cafe then went back to my house and chilled for a while. we put on the tv and layed out on my bed. if u asked me what was on tv i cudnt tell u. i was lying next to tryone with my head on his chest. i felt so safe. i didnt want that moment to end.i sure as hell didnt want him ever to leave. i was sad cos i wudnt see my best friend in the whole world for ages. but i felt so happy just chilling with him.im sure if u asked tyrone he cud tell u wot was on tv, or if my ass looked good. cos he's a guy. thats just men i guess and thats wot guys notice. but thats a good memory for me. i cant wait to hug him when i get back to perth.

another good memory is rock it, feb 2004, with cara. the sweety came and picked me up from mandurah then we drove up to joondalup and walked to the arena. it was a real nice warm day. blink 182 bailed which meant we got $15 worth of 'free' drinks when we traded in our ticket stubs.so we got to drinking and chillin in the sun. we met up with tyrone and his mates briefly b4 they ran off to chase some giant ball that was getting thrown around everywhere. then we found cara's mates and chilled with them. we drank, and drank a little more. not alot. prolly only just enuff to be happy but the music got better and better and we started dancing and laughing and carrying on.haha, i remember one of her friends dropped his dacks and got ppl to sign his butt! and the weird tatoo'd, pierced guys that thought cara and i were lesbians. haha. theres no one great memory from that day/night. the whole night was good. cara is one awesome chick. i cud hang with her forever and never grow tired of her. she has an infectious laugh that makes me smile.
i also remember when her and i went to a cocktail party. it was a 21st of someone who we're kinda friends with. it was a christian get together pretty much and the cocktail party was cocktail-less - much to ur disgust! we almost had to smuggle a glass of wine. cara and i were so completely the rejects of the party. we sat in our corner, as usual, and picked at ppl's bad choice of cocktail wear.haha. we r horrible sometimes. but it was fun cos they werent being that friendly to us so they derserved it! there was a girl there that we didnt like and we enjoyed sitting there dreaming of her heal breaking or her spilling nacho sauce all down her skanky dress. i look back at that and think "carrie u r such a horrible person". but tha twas the highlight of that party almost. it was so dull. we bailed as soon as the speech was over. wot a waste of a saturday night! we felt like the night was incomplete, so we went to macdonalds! haha. nothing quite like a macca's run to make a saturday nite complete! we got drive thru, the usual, cheese burger meal with a vanilla shake (my fave!) we sat in the car park eating and talking.we talked about HEAPS of stuff. about church - wot we love and wot we hate, about men - the ones we love and the ones that suck, about work, futures, past, lots of stuff. she is such good value. my chats with her are always good. i miss my caz.

thinking of all those times makes me miss home so much. but then i feel bad cos i shud think more about my family then about my own pleasures and social life. sometimes i feel so selfish. i think more about me and "my life" than seeing my own family. its terrible. when i think about the dayi leave here tho it grieves me. i try to shut the thought out but it is haunting me already. the thought of that last touch from my mum and the tears in her eyes. my last goodbye to jon and shani. that look that dad gives me that says "u make me so proud"...when ive done nothing to even make him proud. its heart renching. it tears me up. when im in australia i try to shut thoughts of my family out. i mean i still think about them. i love them, i have pics of them and i call them. but i shut them out in a sense to numb the pain of missing them so much. it just makes life easier for me and it works. ppl ask me if i miss my family and i always say yes. but i dont FEEL anything wen i say it. i feel terrible for doing it though. its not that i dont love them. i guess sometimes loving people makes ur life harder. im just not looking fwd to 'that' goodbye wen i leave here. i hope the pain of it doesnt haunt me for weeks to follow. i hope i can go back to how i numb it all out and just 'get on with life'
*sigh*
im not a very nice person am i?