not sharing

tonight in culture group we were talking about relationships and friendships. ppl were asked to say what they look for in relationships etc and the very first thing i thought of was "someone who listens!" i know that my closest pals are such good listeners. im not saying i just wanna talk about myself its quite the opposite really. but sometimes u just need someone to listen to you and what u have to say. and then i was about to say, "and i really cant stand it when ppl wont talk back to me" and i guess in a way i did say it. but not quite like that cos i realised just b4 i was about to say it that i am one of those ppl that doesnt talk back. wot i mean is, im not sharing my issues. i do share some of them. but i feel like ever since tyrone left i have been keeping things closer to me and not talking with anyone about them. its annoying. and i think my friends must find it frustrating when they can see that im down but i wont tell them wots going on in my head. i guess its silly i should just speak to my friends about why i feel down. sometimes tho its just easier to put on a mask and fake ur way thru the day. i guess i just felt silly becos i was thinking 'a good friend is someone who shares their stuff with u so that you can help them thru the tough times' yet here i am, not sharing things with my friends.

but then there are some things u just dont really want anyone to know about. i dont want ppl to see me differently becos of something new that they know about me.
urrggh this isnt coming out the way it is in my head so i think ill just give up.

alone 08/05/2005

entry for the 08/05/2005

Sometimes I feel so alone. I miss tyrone. I miss being able to have someone to talk to whenever. I miss being able to have that someone who you can tell absolutely ANYTHING to. They wont judge u, or think less of u. just laugh or sometimes lecture u. Even though I do have good friends I still feel like I have no one to talk to. It sounds ridiculous and I cant even explain it myself. Blah. I don’t know. L

I just got off the fone to cara and she said that I didn’t sound like my normal self. I told her id been feeling a little down the last few weeks, missing tyrone, my family and getting stressed out from uni. I told her that I feel like I have no one to talk to and I feel like im exploding from within. I have my boss from work constantly confiding in me about all her problems. Which is ok. I don’t mind lending a shoulder to cry on. But I feel like if I talk to her about any of my troubles or tell her that im feeling down that she’ll just feel annoyed cos the problems in her life are just ‘so much bigger’ or something.

At the end of my conversation with cara she said that we need to hang out more. Which is right. Our friendship seems to have just gone completely down the drain since she’s stopped going to church. She also said that if ever I need someone to talk to that I should just call her, no matter whats going on even if I just need to have a cry. But I know that I wont. Our friendship isn’t good enough anymore for me to do that. And I think that’s the problem. I do have good friends, but I don’t have any close friends that I can just pick up the fone and have a general laugh or a cry with. I consider ruth Janine close, but she is so busy. And I know that she has so many other girls who confide in her, who have bigger problems so it feels wrong for me to bug her with all my crap. And there are something u don’t want your leader to know cos they are just stupid or embarrassing even…or lets face it, in some cases, just evil.

catch up 1 - one of 'those' girls (24/04/2005)

its been a while
so here is a blog entry i wrote once while at home cos i needed a release and didnt have the net..now i can post it....
24/04/2005
Last night I texted tyrone saying that I feel like I might be becoming like one of “those” girls. We used to talk about ‘those’ girls that he would meet when he’d go out clubbing. They’d seem all keen and sweet and like a really nice gal. He would get their number but it would turn out they have a bf, or they’d start seeing each other and things wud b good but then all of a sudden, BAM, sorry I just want to be single. We’d talk about how girls like this are idiots and they don’t know wot they want and they are the reason that there are so many stupid men out there cos they get screwed over by girls like this.

Last night I was thinking about jay and how I tore his heart out and Neale too and lots of other guys who’s names I cant remember (wot a man eater!) and those were all genuinely nice guys who treated me nicely but within 2 weeks, or less in most cases I would b running for the hills. ‘I just wanna be single!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ there is nothing wrong with wanting to be single. That is fine. But im starting to realize that in my fight for singleness I really am hurting ppl. And this time, it wasn’t just any guy, it was a valued friend. And although we’re working to patch things between us, our friendship will never be the same.

But anyway im going off on a tangent…the other characteristic that one of ‘those’ girls carry is the ability to end up chasing losers. Well not just losers, but guys that don’t care about them, guys that will use them, guys that love their body-not them. I know im doing that at the moment. Well…im pretty sure that’s how he feels about me, I cant figure him out. He seems nice and we get along well, but I think he’s just excited about hooking up with an aussie chick. (he’s from nz) after spending time with him I think to myself “carrie wot r u doing? You can do so much better than him”….geez. wot a cocky little biatch ive become.

Im starting to see now tho, its not wot u CAN get, its about what you DESERVE to get. Ive always felt like ive deserved a great guy. But today im not so sure. I don’t feel I deserve an ass-wipe but I don’t think I deserve my prince. If I did get a prince chances are I’d ditch him anyway!!

So in short ‘those’ girls…act like they want something, but they really don’t, or at least they think they don’t, they really aren’t too sure either.
And I really think that’s me. So does ty. He agreed, reluctantly. It seems that he noticed it was happening to me a while ago.
My excuse is that I just want to have fun!! Which I think is fair enuff, and tyrone had to agree with that too. But I guess I have to draw the line at my fun and fun that hurts others. L

finally

finally another post. ive been a little inconsistent with my posts (sorry andrew) haha.
not an awful lot is new thought :-(
still working at jeans west. that has been going ok. i have permanent hours which is good. dont have to worry about having work one week but having none the next. i have a work meeting this afternoon in the city. kind of annoyed that i have to go though, as i only work there once a week but apparently our regional manager is going to be there too so its important. im a little worried as my KPI's werent that great on saturday. but thats too bad, we were too busy to be able to build on our sales.
church is going well. enjoying have culture group at my place on tuesdays. mind you im a bit worried about it this week cos we still dont have a vacuum cleaner at my place and the lounge room floor is all a bit feral atm *puke* so im hoping that no one will notice! i guess ill have to put a vacuum on laybuy or something :-s
still working on getting my license. im going driving on wednesday and after that i should only have 4 more hours to log. so thats good. no real point in stressing over it though as its not like i have a car to drive as soon as i get my license. mind u the sooner i get it, the sooner i can put more money in my car savings account!
havent been going out as much as id like to. funds are not really permitting it. ive had a few nights out, but yeah, as i said, not as much as id like to. it sucks not having enough money to have some fun.
coloured my hair on the weekend its a dark brown now. i like it. looks better when its out and straightened. but yeh, still getting used to it.
i have written one or two blog entries at home on word and wen my adsl gets approved ill load them up onto here.
until then thats all for now