an overwhelming loss

im sitting here, hm alone. tired as hell. but i dont want to sleep.im thinking of bronwyn. i still cant believe she committed suicide. im listening to adams songby blink 182 it reminds me of her... "I never thought, i'd die alone, i laughed the loudest - who'd have known?" she loved blink, worshipped them almost. its almost like this song was written for her. she DID laugh the loudest. she was always to full of joy. if you were down she wudtry to pick u up. it hurts me so deeply that she had to end things like this. i havent spoken torhiannon since it happened. hell i havent spoken to her for ages, even b4 wot happened with bronwyn.we lost contact. as friends do. i often wonder how she is dealing with it. has she pushed it all aside,n moved on so it doesnt affect her life? or is she a mess? when i get back to australia i desperatelywant to track her down. but i dont want her to think its just cos of wot happened with her sister :-(u just dont expect tragedies like this to happen. i think back on the days wen i wud go to their house for 'sleep overs' and she wud b there in our face. i really liked her. ppl at school didnt thoshe never really did fit in. and her or shud i say their, step mum was an absolute cow. first rhiannon got kicked out...on xmas eve! then, bronwyn was kicked out shortly after. im mad at their dad.i hope that he feels terrible for allowing that stupid woman to ruin their lives. one of the reasonsbronwyn did wot she did was cos her family was so messed up. wen a step mum kicks someone out, thefather needs to stick up for his child. but he didnt. he was 'under the thumb' i guess. but far outnow bronwyn is dead. a girl with so much potential. dont adults realise the affect they have on us wen we r young? we may not show it, but young ppl still value our family so highly. screwed up familylife makes the rest of ur life so tough. theres no point running things over in my mind tho. no point in "what if's" but just goes to show howsomething like, marrying the wrong person, giving someone crap at school, calling a girl fat ....they lead to such drastic and terrible results. another line from adams song is "you'll be sorry wen im gone" i wonder if thats how she felt? i wonder if the ppl that were horrible to her at school will ever pick on another person again? i wonder how the guys that were horrible to her felt wen they found out? the sad things is, those ppl, they'll never stop. they'llnever stop ruining other ppl's lives. wot a mean disgusting cycle. its just not fair. y shud something so terrible happen to such an amazing young girl. oh my god it makes me so angry yet breaks my heart as well. were things so so bad that she cudnt just blot it out? if i cud meet the ppl that drove her to the conclusion that she had to end everything i swear i wudbeat them black and blue. i wud...damn i dont even know wot i wud do. i think i wud just break downand cry, right in front of them cos i just wud b so overwhelmed. i havent even met them, yet i hate them so much. god im bawling my eyes out i need to go. i just wish i cud change things. i hope she'sin heaven and that she's happy.