stupid america

hmm. i feel like i havent written anything on here for ages...but its only been since christmas.which was....only 5 days ago. somehow it feels like weeks ago. but alot of things can change in 5 days. hell, alot of things can change just in one day - as they did with the fate of many ppl in asia. although we have had no television coverage of the tsunami disaster my father and i have followed the reports closely on google news. in a way im thankful that i havent seen any visual news updates. i dont think i cud handle the images of all that destruction and waste. just reading about it is terrible. what amazes me is how blessed australia is. a friend was telling me that due to the way the earthquake shifted the tectonic plates the waves shud have actually come towards australia...but they didnt. they went in the opposite direction! i mean im not happy about that entirely, because alot of people have still lost their lives so its still a terrible thing, but i am so thankful that australia was kept safe. its not just that though...a few days prior to the earthquakes and tsunamis in asia there was also an earthquake between australia and antarctica that measured 8.1 and reportedly shook tasmania. tsunami's were an expected aftermath of this, and they would have swept the south of australia and devestated tasmania...but they never came. to me, that is amazing. that is not coincidence, not in my books anyway. australia - my beautiful country just cant come that close to disaster and escape it-twice, just thru coincidence. we truly are a blessed nation and i think God really protected us. because we are a christian nation. thats my views anyway.

i just really hope that the death toll ceases to rise and stops real soon. everytime i log on to read an update the death toll seems to have risen to an unimaginable number. its so heart breaking. mind, wot u found more heartbreaking was the top news headline this morning...."Tsunami Disaster Relief: How America Can Prove It's Not 'Stingy'" i was so disgusted. in the middle of a disaster, while people starve, while people die, america decides to sit there and talk about how they are not stingy with their funds. the article itself was both interesting and appalling. it was interesting that america had only donated $15 million until ppl started to declare that america was stingy...then they donated an extra $20 million - clearly just to keep face. what a joke. america is such a joke. half the article was about how this is an opportunity for america to show the world that they care. here is some of the article... "Why hasn't the Bush administration shown some imagination in convincing the world that Americans really care...Especially these days, a dramatic proposal to assist victims of mass catastrophe might also improve our country's tarnished image in many places in the world"
that makes me so mad. clearly they DO NOT care. how dare they use this disaster to improve their "tarnished image". now is just not the time!!!! trust america to use disaster to their advantage. at the end of the article there is a place where you can leave a comment..a fellow aussie left this comment: "...If the US spent just a fraction of the money it does bombing and killing innocent people all over the world, on overseas aid instead, it would prove to be a far better way to prevent terrorism. When is the U.S. going to wake up to the reason why they are so hated? Also my government blindly follows yours. I am becoming ashamed to be Australian, as I am sure many Americans are to be US citizens."

i cudnt agree more with his comment. america doesnt mind spending billions on a war that kills innocent ppl,yet when it comes to a TRUE disaster money is only donated to prove they arent stingy. i mean really america, u need to get your crap together. this is so appalling.
i guess im feeling extra mad at america cos the other day i watched "fahrenheit 9/11" i highly recommend that documentary. far out. the things that go on are just unbelievable sometimes. it opened my eyes that you dont have to be a communist government to be corrupt. there was some really scary footage in it too. especially the footage of how buddy-buddy bush is with the saudi's and also the lucrative business deals that bush has had with the bin laden family. money truly rules everything and everyone. it disgusts me. but the footage that sent chills up my spine was of the bahavior of some of the soldiers in iraq. they say ppl return from a place like that totally mucked up inside, but some of these men were mucked up b4 they even arrived. they were showing how the soldiers can play music in their tanks. and the sound feeds thru their helmets, or something. but basically it enabled them to have "background" music while they killed. it was like wot motivated them...two of their favourites were "the roof is on fire" and "let the bodies hit the floor" one of the soldiers says to the camera something about how he loved the song (the roof is on fire) they listened to it while they burnt down and blew up buildings. the same soldier was later shown singing the words..."we dont need no water, let the mother F***er burn....burn mother f****er, BURN!!!!" far out. it was so chilling listening to him sing that. he really didnt give a crap that he killed innocent civillians while he sung along to that stupid song. then they showed footage of shootings and building getting blown upwhile they played "let the bodies hit the floor" in the back ground. it was really quite horrific. then to top it all off the documentary shows dead, innocent bodies. thats when i lost it. i cudnt hold back. they also showed a lady who had totally lost it,cursing america, saying how her family is dead. she was standing on the rubble of her uncles house and screaming out there was no militants there, only innocent civilians. it really broke my heart. im sure it didnt break bushes tho.

why do such horrible things happen? *sigh*

anyway. hmm, apart from that i have just been taking it easy. my flights home are all booked and confirmed. i started the first of my goodbyes last nite which was a real shock. mr haynes is going to the states on saturday for 2-3 months. so i had to say bye to him, it made me sad. he's such a nice guy. far out. not long left here now. there is so much to look fwd to yet i feel like im leaving so much behind as well. the other night shani stayed over a friends. her and i share a room and going to bed that night i felt so alone without her. made me think how lonely its gonna b when i first get back. i really have become accustomed to her company during those last few moments b4 i fall asleep.

havent heard much from dan. i had an email from him on xmas day which made me happy but thats it. he said he'd call wen he got back from hong kong, but he hasnt called. i msged him to see wot he's doing on new yrs eve but he hasnt written back. i dont really know wot to think about all this. seems like its all over b4 it even had a chance to begin. im sad. i really like him. i dont know wot to do about it really. part of me is thinking "maybe somethings happened to him, maybe he's lost his fone or is just really really busy" but it takes 30 seconds to reply to a message and 2 mins to make a call...but i think deepdown i know, ive been given the flick.

well thats enuff for now.

wot a great christmas

wow
this was the best christmas i've ever had. by a long shot. christmas eve in itself wasnt a bad day. i was such a bum. i was in my pj's til about 4-5 in the afternoon. haha. shani had gone into town to do some caroling. dad got home from work about 6:30 -7. so jon, mum, dad and i sat down for a game of monopoly. and what a laugh that was. it was just so funny. if u asked me WHAT was funny i cudnt even tell you. but we were just constantly laughing. i think the only game of monopoly ive played with my family that didnt end in an argument! i even got along with dad really well! which is rare these days.
after monopoly jon, shani and i went into jon's room and watched a few episodes of "24" then went to bed about 1pm. as i was cleaning my teeth b4 going to bed i longed for that feeling that you have wen your a child. that buzz you get on christmas eve where u cant sleep and ur insides are going everywhere and u just wanna do a crazy dance cos ur just SOOO excited that tomorrow is christmas and your gonna get some cooool presents! i mean sure, i was excited..but i didnt have that same "buzz".

funny thing is, i set the alarm for 9:30am christmas morning..but at 8:30 i was so excited i couldnt sleep anymore! haha. so i got up, washed my face, got dressed, made my bed and made my way down stairs.
eventually we coaxed jon downstairs. it was a fair effort though. he's usually not out of bed til like 11am at the earliest (bum..haha) while waiting for him to come down though, i thought id check my email, to see if i had any christmas wishes! and i did! from my 3 favourite men..haha. tyrone, jay and dan. so that made me really happy...especially to hear from dad since ive hardly heard from him all week. it was a major suprise to hear from him, since he's never emailed me b4. he's in hong kong for christmas. so yeh, that really made my day and put a HUGE smile on my face!

we all sat down and jon handed out our presents one by one. i got spoilt rotten. it was so weird to get so many presents. im used to getting like 2 or 3 from friends etc. so it was kinda weird to be given so much. i bought jon a shirt, some lip balm for men and a teddy that he liked (no he's not a wuss but for some reason he liked this so i got it for him). i got shani a back pack. i got mum a shirt. and i pitched in for dads fry pan and new wallet. i got: *a pink headband *perfume *jewelry box *photo album *photo frame *australian money *a ring *a cow toy *cow pj's *matching hat and scarf *matching toe socks and gloves.
so yeh. i was truly blessed with alot of stuff that i wasnt expecting at all!

after that i grabbed the cordless and made my way upstairs to make some fone calls. on xmas eve i had phoned julie. that was a really great fone call. got to speak to jack and even kristian! was great to hear kristians voice, gosh he had so many questions. and none of them cud believe that it had gotten as cold as -16 here. mind u, even i find it hard to believe. so yes, anyway. i called jay boy! was great to hear his voice. had a quick chat to lisa too. then i called cara. i had such a scream talking to her. she puts the biggest smile on my fact. i swear i was grinning from ear to ear and i was filling her in on all the dan gossip and we were giggling. hehe. so cute, so great to speak to my friends on christmas!

we had bacon and eggs for bfast and played a little game of cards b4 we started having showers and getting ready to go over our friends for christmas lunch and a 'party'. thank god for make up. thats all i can say. and god i love revlon. hahah. i gotta say, i scrubbed up alright today. nothing more miraculous than a good cover up. haha.

we finally got the our friends place. we hada few foreign families and some children from the orphanage. we had quite a spread for lunch! spaghetti and meatballs, potato bake, chicken and dumplings, pork and apple sauce and of course...some chinese dishes! hehe. i was sat next to wu li chun...a girl from the orphanage and she HATES western food. haha. and i was getting her to try some stuff, but no way, she didnt like it at all. i gave her some pork, then put apple sauce on it and she was horrified! she cudnt believe we put apple on pork! haha. so cute. needless to say i ended up with most of her food. haha. she's so cute.

after lunch came dessert. and i didnt hold back. haha. we had rum balls (thanks mum!), chocolate covered strawberries, chocolate covered nuts, peanut-butter bombs, no bake cookies and trifle! mum made the trifle and DAMN it was gooood!!! so yeh, i stuffed myself silly til i was almost sick. haha. it was all so good i cudnt stop.

after lunch, once we all managed to move...haha. we made our way to the lounge room and exhanged presents..we did like a little secret santa thing. thats wen i got my matching hat and scarf-pink. hhe. love em. they are great. then ed go out his guitar and we sung some christmas carols...which was good for a laugh. we all sucked. but i think it was the first time i really sung christmas carols with all my heart and dwelt on the meaning of them. it was a nice moment with all those special ppl around me.

then the rippies had to go, as they were working out at the orphanage tonight and then after that we didnt get back into the carols which was a shame. after that we just kinda sat around and talked. the kids did some pranks and played some games...they provided some good entertainment actually.

after a while though i started to get pretty bored. jon shani and i made up some lame story that we were tired and bailed at like 7:30. haha. but truth was, we were dying of boredom!

so yeh, here we are. jon and shani are throwing things at each other. haha. idiots. all in all it was just a great day. there were lots of great moments. dad was even tolerable. i made a promise to myself that i wud put up with him and not snap at him. and i did pretty well! i dont i snapped at him at all...altho i did make one or two smart arse comments.

sadly it didnt snow :-( i was really hoping for a white christmas...instead the sun came out. haha. typical! was still cool tho, -8 degrees. maybe -10. nothing colder though...but maybe later tonite it will get even colder, id image so. will prolly get around -12, -15. hard to believe that im writing that without passing out. ive somehow come to accept that, thats the weather here. and i have to live with it!

hmmm, dan said he got me a christmas present in hong kong..i wonder wot it is? hehe. its so weird..somehow, not hearing much from him has made me develop stronger feelings for him...hardly fair. was talking to cara about it this morning. my heart breaks thinking about leaving him behind. tyrone has said just to enjoy the time i spend with him. and i will, most deffinately. part of me wants to ask him to come to australia when he finishes here in china. but part of me doesnt want to in case he actually says yes. haha. and im not ready for it all.

anyway.
wow. wot a christmas. its been great.one of those days that ill back on, and smile.

self hating

man i hate myself. i look in the mirror at the moment and just want to smash it. i feel so ugly, fat and disgusting. my skin is absolutely feral. i have never had such horrible skin. and it feels like nothing i can do will make it better. putting makeup on makes me feel better, but it makes my skin 100% worse. god its horrible. and sometimes really, the makeup doesnt make that much of a difference, only makes me feel a lil better about myself. ive gotten to the point where im staying inside as long as i can so that way i can avoid having to put makeup on. theres no way ill leave the house without it on. mum thinks im crazy. but really. the last time i DIDNT wear makeup my chinese friend said "whats wrong with your face?" for crying out loud. that made me feel just friggin great didnt it!!?

but its not just the skin on my face...my WHOLE body is so so so dry. god. im a feral freak. my shoulders, arms and top of my legs are dry. the tops of my hand r starting to get flaky. my knuckles are dry and red cos now wen i knock them they get extra sore and the skin gets scratched off them so much easier. far out. wots going on?

oh...and then theres my arse. oh my god. even my mum just said that my pants r too tight! WHAT! thanks mum. thanks alot. gee. wot am i meant to do? and my legs r so gross. i mean, my legs were never perfect but they used to be better than this.

my hair needs dying, i need to visit the beautician. i need like a total make over. i just feel so ugly and feral and disgusting. ppl joke about other ppl getting beaten by the ugly stick, but i feel like i really have been. i dont even want to look at myself in the mirror anymore. today, while teaching one of my students, she kept looking at herself in the mirror, so i leant over to look in the mirror too, to distract her and get her attn back to her lesson. but gee. i saw my reflection and thought "no wonder she's looking at herself in the mirror...anything but looking at me" :-(

meh. i feel like ive tried everything. i moisturise from head to toe. i drink water non stop all day. drink lemon water. eat lots of vegies. i dunno. i give up. im actually hoping Dan DOESNT call me to have lunch together this week cos i dont want him to see me like this again. i dont want him to remember me like this.

uurrrgghhh. why can i just be half normal. and have nice skin? just ONE thing nice. one thing normal. geez. i hate myself so much. it makes me want to cry. how cud dan even have kissed someone that looks like me? maybe he just wanted SOMETHING didnt care who it was. but i dont think he's like that. god this is crazy. i want him to call me soo badly. it breaks my heart that he hasnt called since friday. but at the same time, i think id b afraid to answer.
he saw me without makeup on, on sat morning and i freaked. he was like "er i dont care carrie, dont b silly" but maybe thats y i havent heard from him? wot if he's like "gee, carrie looks like CRAP without makeup on"

:-( why am i so ugly? :-(

finding a new street

this poem..is off a friends blog. i guess its something most of us could probably relate to. but right now, is me all over.
when oh when will i take that other friggin street?

PORTRAIT OF PROGESS
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk
I fall in.
I am lost.... I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But is isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in.... it's a habit.
My eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

I walk down another street.

precious children

well i just home from the orphanage christmas party. and it was real good fun. its the first time ive been out to the orphanage since ive been back. im so ashamed of that. i remember the first day i got back to kai fai qu all i could think about what getting out to the orphanage and seeing the children again - but it never happened. for 2 reasons, 1 being that they've had visitors like every weekend, so it wudnt have worked out for me to go out there and the 2nd on is that, on the few occasions that i was welcome out there i had already planned something, or was sick, or there wasnt enuff room in the van anyway. so yeh, i was pumped to be seeing them all again.

some of them have changed soooo much. for instance, mo jo lin, he used to be short and fat but now he is a good height and a good build, not fat at all - same character tho of course..cheeky! and same with Han Xiao, wow her hair is sooo long! so beauitful. then there are the ones that havent changed AT ALL! like mah jun, still little, still sooo adorable! and Qiao Dun i remember when i was here the first time her and i were close and she wud give me the BEST hugs ever. she still looks the same too.

there are a few new additions. and 1 that has left, with his father. one of the new children, hei lu lu lost half her left arm, but we are in the progress of getting a special arm, just for her from states so she'll b able to function properly. she is real sweet. she liked my dad.

there was also a young girl, who's name i can not pronounce let alone spell. she doesnt live at the orphanage, she lives in the little town where the orphanage is situated. however her mum has passed away and she rarely sees her dad so she spends most of her weekends at the orphanage and attends the free english classes on sat and sun. i really fell in love with her. words can not and will never describe the look on her face when receiving all her christmas presents. wow. these kids got totally blessed! also, it was her bday! so she got even mooore presents. she seemed so overwhelmed!

after all the formalities and eating the kids started playing around and i hit the floor to catch up with the children again. some remembered me, others didnt. i guess physically ive changed. and its been a while. when i approached that local girl, (who comes on weekends and has the english lessons) she had this awesome grin on her face. she was wearing a santa's hat, with 2 white long plaits. i grabbed them and used them to tickle her and then she did the same back to me. hehe. it was so cute. then she grabbed my hand, with both hers and that was it, she wudnt let go. she held on so tight. i was touched and torn at the same time. i wished i cud take her with me, back to oz. she was just...ah...there are no words. and when i was leaving..aww the way she looked at me. i cud hav just cuddled her forever.

so precious...all of them, so so so so precious.

he's going :-(

well. it seems like its happening. tyrone has been talking about going back to south africa for a while now. and its seems like ideas and options are turning into reality. there is a guy that works at his company that just got back from joburg to see wot he thought of the place before possibly accepting the management position there. but he mustnt have liked it cos he's given it the "thumbs down" which means all eyes are now on tyrone. he wants to go. i know he's fed up with alot of things in perth. and to be honest, i dont blame him. i can see where he's coming from. we spoke on the fone last nite and he said that if the position opens up, he'll take it.

im happy for him tho. it will b such good money and set him up even better for life than what he already is. and he really likes it over in joburg too. its just that, the contract will be for 3 yrs. *sigh* thats such a long time. he said last nite that he'd b back every6 months, which is true. but i mean, i prolly still wont get much time with him.

i know i sound selfish. im not meaning to. im so happy for him and proud of him too.
i guess, im just gonna b lost without him.

that tingling feeling

i thought i'd forgotten about "that' feeling. forgotten what it feels like. that over whelming tingling and buzz when you see someone that you really like. that shock that goes up ur spine when they touch you. the way ur stomach turns into knots when your eyes meet. its such an awesome sensation. it sends u on such a high. and im on a high. and its a high thats different to any old random crush that only lasts a week. leaving Dan behind is going to break my heart :-(

we had lunch together on thursday which was pleasant. we had japanese. had a good chat. then last night (friday) we went out again. i met him at McDonalds in Walmart and we had macca's (healthy..lol) then he grabbed some groceries from walmart and we walked back to his place. we played with his new hamster...its sooo cute! its name is nancy, one of his students gave it to him! hehe. so funny. and um, yeh then we watched a movie. at about 11-11:30 we made our way to "JD's", the foreign nightclub.

it was just him and me and Raphael, who rocked up later but we didnt really see him much. there was actually quite alot of chinese there last nite. not as many foreigners as usual. i met some funny german guys. one who tried desperately to crack onto me all nite. it was funny tho. wen i first saw him, he comes up to me, puts his arm around me and goes "australian girl!" HAHA. i was like "um sorry, i forgot ur name" and he was like "u havent met me, but i remember u from last week, i saw you" haha. (must have been that crazy pole dancing) and later on i asked him if he liked chinese girls, and he said no, so i asked if he liked german girls and he said "no, i only like australian girls" haha. he was funny. i guess under normal circumstances he may have done a little better with me but i just had eyes for dan, so he had no hope. oh! and some other guy, who's face i didnt even see was behind me at the bar and fussing over my freckles. he was like, poking his finger onto them and telling me "oh wow, so beautiful" HAHA. wot a joke.

i met some more aussie gals. one was even from perth! she seemed nice. didnt seem like a perth gal tho. funny that. one other chick tho, from melbourne, she was awesome. her and i got up on the podium and danced our little hynies off! she was great fun to dance with.

i prolly drunk a little too much. its hard to tell wen ur dancing. it puts ur judgment right off i reckon. but i sure felt my 2 shots of tequilla in the morning. i dont think ill b doing that again. u always learn the hard way. *shakes head*

but yeh, anyway. i was almost convinced that dan was not into me AT ALL. but then out of nowhere he appeared up on the podium with me and we had a nice lil dance together. then we got down and went and grabbed a drink. then after a while we sat down. we had our arms round each other. and then, we looked at each other and then....we kissed :-) thats a moment ill remember forever. damn. he is the best kisser EVER. no one has ever kissed me like that in my life. anyway i wont go into details. but i was one happy chicken. hehehe.

soon after that we left and went back to his place ... haha. gosh that sounds so evil and naughty doesnt it? "we left and went back to his place". but nah. we got back. he grabbed his stuff and went to stay at his friends and i crashed. ..not without getting another kiss tho. its so cute that he stays at another friends house so i dont feel uncomfortable. its good tho, that he has no alterior motives and respects me.

this morning i got up and he came over round midday. then we got our stuff together, went and had lunch, then joined the crew for frisby for the afternoon. gosh, the look on everyones faces when we rocked up together. funny. they can think wot they like. we were well behaved and are perfectly innocent.

all in all i had a good time.thing is tho, even as we sat there kissing (at "JD's"), as much as i was flying, my heart was sinking as i realised, this is one guy i dont want to lose, and theres nothing i can do about it.

"burning for revenge"

atm im reading a series. "the tomorow series", by John Marsden, an aussie author. its by far the best set of books i have ever read. im actaully reading them for the second time. and i imagine one day, ill read it a third maybe even a fourth time. its THAT good. its about a group of 17/18 yr olds that go on a camping trip for a weekend and wen they get back, the country has been invaded. and the series tells the story of all their brave and vicious attacks on the enemy. so far, 3 of the 8 have died some pathetically, some heroicaly. the main character, Ellie, actually reminds me alot of,well, me. and she forms this relelationship with Lee, a guy in their group. she looses her virginity to him. but as the war surges on their relationship becomes kinda shakey. and is more stop start than go go go. anyway. i have just finished book 5 (of 7), "Burning for Revenge"...quite an appropriate title for wot goes on in the book really, but thats a different story...
at the end of this book, they are caught up in stratton. a long way from their usual sanctuary.they are in hiding after blowing up a huge airfield. ellie and lee's relationship is kind of non existant, but still floating in the background. lee has discovered his parents have been killed and since then seems to be doing his own thing...crazy things. ellie notices that he takes long walks at nite by himself..for HOURS and comes back all revived and full of energy, not normal basically. she is convinced that he is doing some kind of individual attack on the enemy without telling them which cud put the rest of the group in danger..so...one nite she follows him. only, to her horror, (and mine, i sorta forgot this happened) he goes to a farm house and meets a GIRL! and not just any girl..the ENEMY! they meet with a kiss...oh gosh. i felt my heart burning with ellies. i really felt like i was there. gosh. this guy was sleeping with the enemy, literally. but this wasnt just a betrayal to the group or to the country, this was a physical and emotional betrayal to ellie. and it hurt me too!!!

it made me think of jonathan. suddenly all that pain from wot he did to me returned. i was feeling so strained and angry about the whole situation. it made me wish i was there so i cud run up to lee and beat the crap out of him. in the story, turns out that the enemy lee is sleeping with sells him out, and some men come with guns to get him. anyway, to make a long story short, ellie saves his life. then, in the aftershock starts to blame herself. that it was her fault that he had run to another woman cos she had been so reserved.

gee. the memories. i just feel so haunted again from that story. i keep telling myself that ive forgiven jonathan for wot he did, but i mean, with the anger and bitterness i feel after reading that, it makes me wonder if deep down i have forgiven him. and if, i will EVER get over it. HOW DO you get over being cheated on? i gave everything to him. he was my first kiss, my first...well, my first EVERYTHING. i promised him id come back for him. he told me we'd get married.he told me that he loved me.

after only 6 months, actually, prolly less than that, he had gone after another girl. ill never forget wen he told me that he'd cheated on me. i was in a net cafe here in china. i was excited cos he'd emailed me and told me that he wanted to talk and to b on the net at a certain time. i was looking fwd to talking to him sooo much.but wen he told me he'd slept with someone else. woah. my head dropped. it nearly fell off my shoulders. it dived into my hands and i wept. i was surrounded by ppl. but i didnt care.i was so shocked. i didnt even see it coming. he told me it was a one nite stand and he was drunk and he regretted it so much and that he knew he didnt deserve me. blah blah blah

and i bought it too. i sat there and rationlised. that he was only male, only human and that he didnt think i was coming back. he was prolly depressed. so that made it ok. (wot a load of crap really) so anyway. i remember the first nite wen i was back in oz. and we were together. we were kissing n stuff. and then all of a sudden i just started crying. and he knew y. boy o boy did he know y.and i ended up just lying there frozen, not looking at him. but i recovered and we got on withour relationship like nothing had ever really even happened.

on our one yr anniversary, he and his sister had a fight....and the truth came out. it wasnt a one nite stand it all. it went on for 3 months. and he was engaged!!!!!!!!!!! ENGAGED!!!!!!!! i must hav been one big idiot cos i still didnt dump him. i cudnt. i realise now y older guys like to date younger girls...cos they r easily manipulated and easily grow to depend on them.
i look back and wish i broke up with him. it bugs me that HE was the one to dump ME. after all he had done. he dumped me over a friggin text message. wot kind of freak does that?! wot an asshole.

i look back at the way he treated me. things like...wen there were other girls around i was invisable. like wen i first got back to perth he went to see a movie b4 picking me up, he was 3 hours late and acted like it was nothing...i wud go to his house and he'd play computer games or play the piano...he'd promise me we'd go to the beach or do something fun, then he'd play computer games,geeez. WHY did i stay with this guy? WHY did i let him treat me like that?

i sure have learnt my lesson tho. and since then i have deffinately raised the bar.apparently now he is married with 2 kids. good for him *extreeeeme sarcasm* im glad its not me. i secretly wish that one day we'll run into each other and that ill look totally amazing and he'll have the deepest sense of regret. haha. thats kind of evil and selfish. but i cant help it.

one thing i know for sure...if anyone every cheats on me again, they will be OUT of my life...but not before i kick their ass and give them a good reason to get a restraining order on me, well ok, perhaps i wont b THAT psycho. but they'll regret it thats for sure.

what a weekend!

well i have had the most brilliant weekend ever! well the most brilliant weekend so far in china anyway. so this could be a long blog cos i wanna write aaalllll about it!!!

ok it all started on friday. Dan msg'ed me and asked if i wanted to go out with them. i wasnt goin to but he convinced me that i should and that staying home every weekend was never gonna do me any good. so i packed up stuff and tried to 'hot myself up'..haha. i had to teach from 4 -6pm then straight after work i jumped on the train with my stuff and headed into town. i got there in like half an hour and i called dan so he cud tell the cab driver where his apartment was cos i cudnt repeat it very well. (some chinese is just beyond my oral grasp!) so i jumped in the cab and that stupid driver had no idea where he was going and he dropped me off at the wrong place!!!!so i had to catch another cab! eventually i got to dans. i put my stuff down at his place (cos i was staying in town over night) and then we headed off for dinner.

we went to a hotel restaurant and met up with Bron and Emma (2 aussie gals) and John (from new york) they are Dan's closest friends. we had dim sum, which was really good. had a few laughs as bron, em and i tried to explain to dan and john why it was so disgusting that mark philapousis (spelling?) dumped OUR delta!!! haha. we had fun using all these stupid aussie terms so they had NO idea wot were talking about. wot a laugh.

then we went ten pin bowling. which was funny too. i was the gutter queen. haha. i swear thats the worst ive played in my life. we split up into teams and got all competitive and got the high fives pumping. haha. it was funny. then this russian guy rocked up, his name is Roman. gosh he was nuts. he doesnt even have a russian accent. he's spent some time in the states and he talks like some kind of gangsta. haha. cept he doesnt look rough or anything, he wears glasses and is going bald, so it was such a joke. he was pretty drunk wen he arrived. he'd been drinking and he was swearing his face off. it was pretty annoying really.

then we went to a place called "daves bar" apparently it was the most popular foreign hang out a few yrs ago but not anymore. i can see y, the music sucked. the dj was terrible she was like playing two songs at once, with no matching beat. i dont think she realised. it was rediculous. we had a few drinks and tried to play cards, but roman was being abusive cos he didnt understand how to play. so that kind of ruined it. then bron and dan and john made their way to the pole and did some pole dancing. which coped a fair bit of attn from all the chinese!! as if we didnt have enuff already!

we left after bout an hour and went to "JD's" which the foreign hang out now apparently. it was so packed. we put our jackets behind the bar and grabbed a few beers. i dont really like beer back home in oz, but i like chinese beer! weird. there was so many different nationalities there. africans, germans, russians, koreans, americans,canadians, poms, AUSSIES (WOO HOO) and a few chinese. most of the chinese though were older men trying to pick up young foreign gals *eewwww* i had one old guy crack onto me. yuk. he touched my back. eewwwww. it was horrible.i was like "dan! act like ur my bf or something! save me!" i ended up bailing to the toilet. the toilets were all squats. they werent too bad tho. id say the bathrooms in clubs in aus r prolly dirtier actually!

i met some more aussies. which was really cool. there was 3 guys and one chick. the chick is awesome. i saw her again on sunday actually. her name AAliah. we had a few good dances together actually. she's lovely. shes a bible college drop out apparently. lol. then there was mic/michael. he was totally nuts. i think he ended up getting pretty wasted. but wot a guy. we spent the whole night laughing cos of him. and he was such good fun to dance with. we got up on the podium together then hit the pole together and got the crowd going with our pole dancing. haha. oh wot a scream!!! i was laughing so much that i dont know how i managed to keep my 'sexy routine' going. hehehe. he was real good fun to dance with. he just had no shame. then there was josh. he seemed pretty quiet at first. but after a few he was pretty nuts too. he and bron ended up going home together!!! i didnt realise ppl still did damage over here!!!! it was pretty funny.

the club itself was pretty small. the outskirts had tables n chairs n little booths. the bar as at the far end. the dance floor was in the middle and they had big rocks as stairs going down to the floor. then at the back of the dance floor was the podium. it was glass with lights under it. so that was pretty cool fun to dance on, then u walked out from the podium to this lil round thing with a pole on it, so u were sort of amoungst the crown while u were on it.it was pretty cool. there was another pole on the other side of the dance floor but it didnt seem to popular, it was right near the walk way so u cudnt really swing around without kicking anyone! haha actually, speaking of kicking ppl...haha. gosh. i felt so bad. i was up on the pole by myself at one stage and dan hadnt been up there at all and the guys must hav egged him to get up there with me. but i had my back to them and i went to turn around just as dan was climbing up there and whacked him in the face with my arm. hahaha. poor guy. he scared the hell out of me!we stood there laughing for ages.

i had alot of fun with dan actually. he was a real sweety and paid for like nearly everything for me. he'd say"i got you", in his canadian accent. nothing really happened with us though. we held hands a bit and he had his arm around me wen were sat down together. we wud like sit there and watch everyone on the dance floor.it was pretty interesting. there were alot of russians actualy and the dj played a fair bit of russian pop. i enjoyed watching them getting all excited and pumped wen they heard their fave songs. they were pretty good dancers actually kinda skanky, but they had rythm. they seemed to really dig the dark african guys. alot of the russian girs looked so young tho. too young to be in a night club. bron told me that some of them are too young, but some of them just look young.
there was this one gal who looked so terrible. gosh. i know this is mean but i have to write about her. she had jeans that looked like she sprayed them on, they were so tight. she was kinda tubby and the jeans were a very light color, so they made her ass look HUGE. then she had this ugly chain belt on. then a leopard print, longsleeve, high necked top. that only covered half her stomach...which was hanging OVER her jeans, that were too tight. gosh it was disgusting. anyway. illl try not to be too mean.

it was a real good nite. we left at bout 4am. i had such a brilliant time. and as i was telling tyrone, i dont meant to brag, but us aussies were the life of the party, without a doubt. we sure showed them. haha. one thing i cudnt get over was the huge shot of tequilla the bar gave me. i always said id neva drink tequilla but with a bit of lemon and salt, i like it. so i ordered a shot...and it was only 1o Yuan!!!!!!!!!!! ($1.67 aus) but gosh it was huge...he put it in a glass, not a shot glass, with ice. but it was like, there were 2 shots in there not one. i looked at it and thought, geeeez, im in trouble. but it didnt really effect me as much as i thought. i guess cos i was dancing lots.but wow. ill neva get over how big that shot was. dan looked at me after i had it like i was some kind of crazy lady. and goes "i cant believe you just did that"

so yes, off we went. dans so funny, he let me have his whole apartment to myself. he said that he didnt want me to feel uncomfortable about us being in the same room etc so we stayed at a friends in the next building. so i got his double bed all to myself! much beta than the couch that i thought i was getting. i was relieved too. i was feeling a little nervous about the whole setup. he was a perfect gentlement about the whole thing.

so i got to sleep bout 5am i guess. then i had to get up at 8:30!!!! *uurrrggghhhh* my family and i met at 9:30am at the "pole aquarium" one of my dads students had given him 5 tickets so we cud go there as a family. which was real nice of him. specially since its 130 Yuan each to get in!! it was so amazing though. i was afraid that it might be a hole. but the chinese have done an amazing job. it is of international standards. its like a zoo, but for like, ice animals. lol...kind of a funny term i guess. there were polar bears! Dugons, otters, penguins, little wolf puppies, seals, walrus's, turtles, sooo many different animals. there was also a dolphin show which totally blew my mind. despite it all being in chinese, that was the best dolphin show i have eva seen. im still blown away at how high those dolphins cud jump. it was amazing.

it was such a mesmerising experience though. we spent a good 15 mins watching the dugons. they are like a mix between a whale and a dolphin and they are white. they were so graceful and strong and playful. ive neva seen anything like them in my life! u cud watch them all day and still b fasinated and amazed i think.the polar bears were real amazing too. one of them was such a poser. he just loved the camera and he walked back and forthTOTALLY posing. it was so cute. there was a real big one that just slept. their paws were huge. WOW!we saw so many species of fish that i cud have just neva imagined. sadly the pics do not justify the way they looked in real life. some of the creatues were so prehistoric. it was truly fascinating. it was an experience i will never forget!

saturday sure was cold though. the wind was like ice. it was disgusting really. i msged dan later in the day.he didnt get out of bed til 2:30! slack arse. i was jealous really. i wish i cud have slept that much. i was exhausted. on the bus trip home tho i did sleep. and woke up just in time to get off at my stop! *lucky!* i got off at Jin Ma Lu. and that is generally a windy street...its the main road into kai fai qu..well, its the ONLY road into kai fai qu from dalian. but ive never felt this kind of wind b4. i had to fight to stay upright. it was literally nearly blowing me over~!! i cudnt believe it! i made sure i kept away from the road cos i was afraid of getting blown into the traffic!
i eventually got home tho. i was in bed by 8pm! i was sooo tired. it was good tho. i got up at 7:30am on sunday, so i nearly got 12 hours sleep! i went into hai shi jiao for fellowship. dan called after, wanting to catch up. i didnt want to. i told him i looked like crap and also that i had no money. which was the truth. he wudnt take no for an answer tho. gosh. he's so persuasive. he said he'd pay for it. i told him id pay him back. so we met in town caugt up with some other aussie gals. then dan n i went our own way n went shopping for a bit. then we met up with emma and bron and john and josh (the guy bron took home!!!) and we went ice skating. well dan, jon and i went.the others were too tired and werent dressed warm enuff. it was lotsa fun. i cant skate that well tho. only slow.dan kept trying to convince me to let him push me along so i cud go fast and i wudnt let him. so he came up behind me without me knowing and started pushing. i screamed! it scared me. and then we stacked it. haha. we were covered in ice. damn it was cold!!!!! we lay there laughing. my hands were so purple! eekk, numb almost.

we left in the end cos we cudnt feel our toes! lol. we jumped in a cab. and ended up in an accident 2 mins later.nothing serious. just a dented bumper bar. so we got out, jumped in a new cab. john went home and dan and i went to the shops again to grab a hot drink. we went to this cafe. it was so cute. instead of having tables and chairs they have normal tables but swings as chairs! its like a long plank of wood, hanging on rope that dangles from the ceiling.the rope is wrapped in cheap and nasty fake flowers. but the general idea is so cute. i loved it. real fun!we sat there for hours talking.i really enjoy dans company. we talked about everything. church, homosexuals, friends back home, our families, china...everything. we talked about heaps of stuff. it was a real good convo.if i wasnt falling for him b4, i was after that coffee :-( wot a stupid situation really.

in the end i said i shud go. as mum n dad dont like me travelling alone in the dark. he jumped in cab and he escorted me to the train station. and he gave me money to get home. 50 yuan!!! i tried to give it back. 50 yuan was just too much. but he wudnt give me anything smaller. i told him id bring him the change. he reckons he doesnt want it. weird. either he's just generous or crazy. lol.

and as if the weekend wasnt perfect enuff as it was, i got home and we had burito's for dinner!!! haha.and even beta...i got a call from tyrone. yay! we had a good long chat. telling each other about our weekends.i cried wen i got off the fone to him tho. for lots of reasons. alot to do with him possibly going back to jo-burg. as i cud only b back in oz a few weeks b4 he leaves. also cos i just miss him. i feel frustrated about the whole situation.

ive also decided not to spend a whole week in brisbane. for a few reasons. mostly though, becos i really cant afford it. i convinced myself i cud, but i cant. its just not a wise decision and im gonna need some money wen i get back to perth.also i think im gonna b pretty upset after leaving my family. so the the sooner i get back to a familiar place with familiar faces, the better. it was a hard decision though. i was afraid my friend andrew, who i was gonna meet over there wud b mad at me. but he understood. and didnt seem to mind. we're stil gonna catch up tho. im just gonna be there for a shorter time is all.

wow. wot a weekend. im on a buzz! :-)

liquorous lusts.

fade away
to that happy place
bump n grind
to sounds of deep beats and heart beats
sip at it
scull it down
shoot it up
then float around
cruise around
ooze around
opportunities?
for luuurrrrrrrve
for lusssssssst
for everything that detests innocence
flashing lights
wud i feel the same without them?
wud this rush still exist?
the rush i feel wen i see u there
u dont even know i see you
u dont even know i exist
can i steal a dance?
a kiss?
hell, id settle for a glance.
a glance or recognition
recognition that im here
that i exist
so that my idle staring
idle fantasising,
can reach a slightly higher intensity
so intense theres a fire danger
a fire in my heart
a fire in my mind
a fire in my gut
a fire everywhere as i feel ur eyes are finally all over me
fire, smoke, lights, music, liquor
the ingredients for an impassioned moment in time
between complete strangers
where communication relies not on words
but on lips, hips, eyes and creeping hands.
the music takes over
the music consumes us
as we are engrossed in our own selfish liqorous lusts.

call me ;o)

hm i have nothing significant to write. im here cos im bored. none of my friends are online and i really dont have anything to do. hm. actually, maybe i should read my book? oh well. im on here now so i may as well empty my mind a little.
the last 2 days have been good for me. a real improvement on how things have been lately i guess. the days are always going so fast though. mind you, with it getting dark at like 4:30-5pm the day really is cut short!
i had a real good conversation with dan last nite. we were on the fone til just after midnite and it was realy nice to have someone to talk to. back home in australia i was always up late, on the fone to someone. i miss it. for a while there it was like i wasnt even in china! i was having a normal conversation with a normal person! the only fone calls i seem to get are from chinese students asking to be friends and about what things i like. which is all well and good but its very robotic and limited. so it was awesome to sit there and crap on about nothing and laugh about silly, trivial things.
apart from that call the only the calls i get like that is my weekly dose of tyrone. haha. he calls me every weekend and that is my only other tap to the outside world! it saddens me that no one else has called me in the 3 months ive been here, all my good friends have my number, or had, i know i gave it to them. i guess it seems like a big deal calling china. but its not, it takes about as much effort as calling someone in perth does! haha. i mean, im not bitter about ppl not calling me. but i guess, since i enjoy fone calls so much, i miss them.

...so call me on 555-555....lol

Moving forward or Slipping back?

i hate to admit it, but i have totally, 100% back slidden.
I was talking to a good friend about it last night on msn. i was asking how things were going with her, as far as church is concerned n well, they werent too many good things to say it seemed. she asked me, and shamefully i admitted that i had back slidden. i dont even know why. well actually, no thats a lie, i do know why. i have just been questioning everything. I've been questioning everything since i got here actually and it was working well for me, cos i was finding answers to my questions, which made my faith stronger. but then i stopped looking for the answers and just threw my arms up in the air. sorta like "wotever i dont care".

i was never entirely very full on. well i guess i was actually, just not compared to others. i think back on my schedule in perth and it was so involved with the church...

every second monday was choir practice
tuesday nights: culture group
wednesday nights: club 180 where i did book shop and did a little teaching
thursday: worked, no church.
friday night:church
saturday night: free to do what i want
sunday morning: church
sunday night: recover and sleep. haha.

i know that compared to some ppl that is totally nothing, but the point is, church and god was a very huge part of my life. I used to pray every morning and every night. now i dont pray at all. when i first got here i decided i would set out to read the entire bible in the time i was here, i havent picked up a bible in a month. and i couldnt really even give you a good reason for why.

Last night, after that conversation on msn, when i was going to bed i felt challenged, i knew i needed to pray. but i brushed off the unction and went to sleep. this morning i got up and went into the kitchen for breakfast. i nearly skipped it and was about to go upstairs and grab my novel and start reading that, when i realised we still had some cornflakes! *yay* hehe. so i sat down for that and there in front of my was my mum's bible. and to the left of were 2 of our many devotionals. i tried to ignore them and kept eating. then, when i went to leave the kitchen those devotionals just kept jumping out at me. so i thought "ok god, lets see what msg u can send me today" i remember often, devotionals somehow always seem to be just what you need to hear and i couldnt believe what these two devotionals had to say.

the first one was about god being "El shaddai", which means, the great god almighty, the all-sufficient one. it was about how he was more than enough. which to me, kind of spoke to me like as if, i dont need anything else if i have God. and that encouraged and challenged me a little.

but the second one. i could NOT believe the title when i opened up to dec 1st...."Moving forward or Slipping back?" good thing i didnt read it while i was eating breakfast i would have choked on my cornflakes. i was blown away. i could not believe that this reading was about back sliding. it talked about people who build themselves up to a level where they are ready to teach, then for no reason in particular, slip right back down and need teaching all over again. he (the author) was stressing the fact that, the less of the bible you read, the less faith u have and the bigger chance you have of 'slipping back'.

i then went into the living room to look for another devotional that we have for young people. i was just ACHING to know wot this one had to say!!! it was titled "dont buy the lie" and yep, you guessed it, that was also exactly what i needed to hear. it was basically about how satan can get into our lives and lie to us. trying to convince us that we are losers, or we are depressed, or we're not good enough, or try to highlight possible future struggles so we start to worry. it went on to say that we should read about gods promises to us in the bible so when satan does come to toy with our minds or destroy our lives we dont have to let him ruin us.

that last reading totally made me realise how much i have let satan rule me lately. in the last month i have felt so down, so defeated, so worried, so stressed, so...."shmeh". the biggest link there is that its been the last month that ive just totally separated myself from god. havent prayed, havent read the bible havent done crap all. all ive done is mope around.

SO. ive decided. NO MORE defeated depressed carrie. i am happy as larry carrie (hehe that ryhmes!) i know that some ppl might say "well i NEVA read the bible and i NEVA pray and im just doing fine" well...good for them, i now know that i need god in my life and when i let go of him, things just are not the same.