mascara eyes

for nearly 3 yrs ive had writers block.
ever since jonathan dumped mei havent been able to write a single poem
last nite i finally broke thru the barrier. yay..

watery, smudged, mascara eyes
something i look in the mirror and see all to often these days
im in a place where my mind is trapped
its in isolation.
made to think over and over and over
on things i usually push away
like some kind of torture
accept I'M the torturer.
but i cant end it.
i cant find the off button
I've flicked an eternal switch maybe?
the truth is hurting me
but is it the truth?
is it my heart that leads me?
or a stupified mind that just needs something new to experience in a life of this that and those?
i need to let these thoughts out
i have no one here to talk to that understands me
no one that can get into my heart and file the loose papers away
wen things r sorted i can block out reality
move on with a shallow life
grow numb to the things that prick my heart n pull me to peices.
who is this girl?
this girl who doesnt even know who the person is thats looking back at her?
but maybe this new person is something that shud b embraced?
after all new births shud b a thing of joy
a fresh start to life perhaps?
nothing was really wrong with the 'old life' thoor was there?
just how deep did my happiness go?
maybe i am the only person who CANT answer that?
is there a person
a stranger
someone with a higher perspective
who watches
who laughs
who sighs with disapointment
at my attempts at life.
my attempts at being normal
wot is normal anyway?
who wants to be like everyone else?
it seems everyone does.
no wonder there are so many unhappy ppl.
am i trying to b someone else?
i dont believe so.
maybe i can meet that person,
that stranger,
that higher perspective
that can give me some answers to this overwhelming mystery of life and all the things that are in it