i think i need a hug

this week i have been keeping to myself. at first it was to avoid my family who were in such stupid pathetic moods. i just cant stand it when people find lame excuses to pick at each other and twist each others words. so to avoid n outburst from me, i just avoided everyone. i closed myself in my room and read. or even if i was in the same room as i them i just kind of floated away. things got better with the fams but i feel ive kind of stayed secluded. without really thinking too much about it.
been thinking about australia alot. im missing it this week. the weather here has taken a very cold turn and im hardly appreciating it. my friends are talking about how hot its been in perth...i'd do anything to be there right now. I was talking to my friend ruth the other nite. she was telling me how she had worked out on spreadsheet type thing her expenses verses her income to find out if she cud afford to move out of home or not. and turns out she cant afford it, by a fair bit. that kinda worried me. i mean if she catn afford it how can i? but i quickly realised how much of a stupid question that was, ive been out of home since i was nearly 17. i've survived ok. but then again....that time had been spent boarding with ppl. so its prolly not a true testiment of how id get by renting my own place or sharing a place with a friend. i sat down n worked things out best i cud. trying to remember wot the hell i spent my money on back in australia. i realised quickly that i spend an awful lot on clothes n shoes n that will just have to stop! after doing that spreadsheet i felt confident again that i would do just fine. and once again that comforting thought came to me "i've survived this long - so i'll survive this" i think that is the one thing that keeps me pushing forward.

despite that tho, i decided it is time for me to start figuring out my options for wen i get back to perth. i'll hav a week of luxury n dreamig in bris, b4 reality will hit me, possibly quite hard too. i emailed my friend cara n asked if she wanted to move out with me. i had told ruth earlier that i had a feeling she wouldnt, for financial reasons. but i asked her anyway. last nite i sat in the kitchen talking to mum n expressed how excited i was about getting back to australia (which quite clearly shattered her) i explained tho i was excited, not to leave here, but to start a new chapter of my life. sitting there, i cud have burst! i had managed to push out every worry n just feel excited about the future. it felt great.

this morning i got an email back from cara (the subject was "i want to sex you up" HAHAHA) but the content was just wot i had expected...disapointing. but logical for her situation. she wanted to work next yr n save money and the only way she can do that (save) is stay at home, rather than fork out for rent n bills. so i totally understand. but all the same hearing that news this morning sent me on such a downhill spin. i felt like i just lost control of my mind. i felt dizzy as i realised that cara wasnt AN option she was THE option and now i really had to face the reality that ill prolly have to live by myself. the future all of a sudden just seemed so gloomy. i got off the puter, hoped in the shower and cried a little. i was all of a sudden so stressed i cud hardly stand. i had a million thoughts flying thru my head. most i cant actually even remember right now. but they werent happy ones. i thought to myself that next yr is gonna be potentially quite lonely for me.
it seems tyrone is considering joburg again. which is no suprise. ive basically accepted that he's gonna go back there as soon as he can n be gone for AT LEAST yr. ...so there goes my best bud. he says that i dont need him for support. but he's wrong. standing in that shower all i wanted was tyrone. i really needed a hug. i felt so scared. wot am i saying i still feel scared. i just wanted to talk to tyrone. i needed him to tell me that ill be alrite. tyrone to me, is like the person who is always right, so if he says ill be alrite, then i will be.
i just feel so weak n lost today. i just want life to be easy. ive been looking on the internet at centrelink. trying to kind of estimate how much ill get from them n my heart is crying. im remember the crap they gave me earlier this yr. they wudnt believe that my parents dont have a solid income, or that they dont get pay slips. (hello! its china u psycho's) they gave me such a hard time. it was a few months b i saw any money. that was such a tough time for me, i really struggled n it was such a stress emotionally. id leave centrelink in tears quite often. ty can vouch for that. im pretty sure i phoned him in tears once as i left centrelink n made my way to uni.

oh i must sound like such a wuss. this is the loneliest i've felt since ive been here. i like, need to get outside n go for a walk, let off some steam but its too cold to go outside unless its totally absolutely necessary!!! i just need a hug.