changes

i know that somethings need to change. but there are somethings that u dont want to change. and why is it, that wen things DO change, it is often in a way u really wish it didnt!!!??
im sad cos i had made good friends with this guy matty online. i really enjoy talking to him. we always have a good laugh and thru the whole stupid tristram thing he kept me smiling. in fact he always kept me smiling. it made me smile to see him come on cos i knew there were some laugh ahead. and we shared lots of stuff too. but things have changed. and i dont know y.

this time last week everything was normal. in fact last thurs night he had just bought a webcam and he was testing it out and i was just sitting there wetting myself laughing at his antics. it was so strange to see him on a webcam. was almost like real life! sure is amazing technology. i went to bed that night with the biggest grin on my face. he sure did cheer me up. but yeh. that was kind of the high point i guess cos its all been downhill from there. he has hardly been online since, which is no big deal. but the thing is, wen he IS online he hardly speaks to me, in fact sometimes wen i come online, he just leaves. and we just had this big stupid argument and i dont even know wot it was over~!!!!!! and im sad cos i dont want to lose him as a friend...even tho ive never met him1!! lol. he just cheers me and knows the right things to say... :-(

ON A MUCH BRIGHTER NOTE....................

this evening i went to the last session for Just For Her. (i think it was the last session anyway!) it was a conference that nancy alcorn was at, the founder of Mercy Ministries. wow. she really touched me. she has a big heart. and i was amazed at how god was using her to touch ppls lives. she shared stories about girls that had come thru her mercy homes and had their lives totally changed. hearing their stories broke my heart and then lifted my heart all over again. and at the end i thought, "WOW! these girls have been to hell and back and becos of wot God did in their lives, well, their lives cud not b any beta right now! even after they've been thru" which made me realise that even with wot happened to me wen i was younger and the stupid decisions that ive made in the past and recently are almost nothing compared wot these girls have experienced and god has turned it all around for good...therefore god most surely can do it for me too!
this means that my life WILL be great! and that god DOES have the perfect man waiting for me and HE REALLY DOES have a good plan for my life.
wow. i feel so uplifted and so full of hope. i cant wait to hear he speak at MY church on friday night and sunday morning, what an honour.

suprising respect

so strange...i just had a phone call from travis...a guy that i got a bit involved with one night a few weeks ago. it was one of those weird (and idiotic) things. we hooked up one night and still kept in contact now and then. however after deciding to change my ways for good i decided i would have to just be friends with him, or nothing at all. we hadnt really spoken in a while. and i wasnt too bothered by it cos i knew that he was wanting to catch up.

anyway...he called tonight. straight away he said, something along the lines of..."hey i just really wanted to apolagise for not calling you lately. its just the last time we talked u seemed really upset and not urself so i thought that maybe you needed your space, but maybe i gave you too much space and i just wanted to call and let you know that i wasnt blowing you off, i just wasnt sure when would be a good time to call"
i laughed and said it was fine and that i wasnt at all offended and that i wasnt worried at all but that it was nice of him to call and make sure that i was ok

then he said that his boss had given him a double pass to the movies and there was no one he'd rather take than me. i told him id happily go, but only as friends. he hesitated and said ..."can we b friends that kiss?" i didnt say anything to that. and then i think he realised he'd stuffed up and he apolagised profusely. i then explained to him that i didnt want to go into details becos he didnt know me well but that i just needed to stay single and stay away from men. that it was just something i needed to do. he took it well tho which was great. i apolagised and explained that i really wanted to tell him in person but didnt want to lead him on and go to the movies with him, with the impression that i wanted to pursue something serious. i also told him that it had nothing to do with him and that he had been lovely and been sweet to me and treated me with respect. and he went on to say that if he ever treated me without respect at all that it wasnt intentional.

over all it was a really good conversation. and he was really good about the whole thing. we had a long chat about how men treat ladies and how we had been mistreated in previous relationships. i mean i cud be wrong, but he does seem like a genuine nice guy, which i think is due to his good up bringing. its obvious he holds his mum with the highest esteem. i encouraged him to never change and make sure that he always treats girls nicely. im glad that we're still going to be friends. well i mean, we'll see if i ever hear from him again. hahaha.

its just put me in a good mood, that there is ONE guy in my life who has the decency to respect my new boundaries and actually encourage me in them. anyway. thats my blah blah for now.

turning over a new leaf

im turning over a new leaf in my life. i need to clean up my act and put a stop to some of the things ive been doing, well ALOT of things that ive been doing!
thanks to close and supportive friends tho, i have people to help keep me accountable and remind me that i AM priceless and that i DO deserve better.
i was cleaning out my bedside table/shelves the other week and i found this book "Dont Date Naked" i remembered when i last read it and how it affected me and helped me to make a decision for purity and re-think my reasons for dating and also rethink the kinds of ppl that i was dating. i remembered being quite happily single. and altho i still checked guys out (eye candy is harmless!!!) i was still happy within myself and happy 'saving myself' for the guy i was meant to be with. i know that i had this mentality that if i wasnt going to marry him,y waste my time on him? that sounds short and bitter but i have to think of myself and the baggage that i am adding to my life. so yeh ANYWAY. i thought that the way i WAS is the way i want to be again, only better. so i made a quality decision to read that book again and ive hardly put the book down.
its been so interesting reading about setting standards and going thru the qualities list that i had this time last year and seeing that it hasnt really changed, yet i have compromised it in so many ways. if anything ive added to it, which i guess is a good thing. especially after tristram, the main points ive added is:
* if he wants to see me, HE can come and see ME.
and
* he WILL not stand me up EVER.
so even tho my standards dropped for a while, hopefully now they will be higher than they ever will b4.
its been hard tho. in the last i dunno, week or 2 ive just had so many temptations to break this new promise to myself that i will pursue purity and self respect. but to get those i need to get self control. the self respect and purity will follow that.

another thing that ive found interesting so far in this book is the discussion on pre-marital sex. especially about all the STD's that come with it, it is all very scary and i didnt realise how easy it is for them to be transmitted.

today i had lunch with a friend and we discussed about the dangers of std's and the consequences they can have on life. also about setting higher standards and why its important to only marry a christian guy who is fearful of God. it was just one of those conversations where u KNOW god really planned it. everything we spoke about i have been reading and thinking about and contemplating and telling myself that i believe it and need to follow it. but after my convo with Anna, i dunno, it all just really sunk in.

i guess thats why friendships and fellowship is so important!

bills bills bills

oh how i hate bills

ok we alllll hate bills. but i think i hate bills more. lol
they all just come at once dont they?
i have just received a bout $500 in bills.
HAHAHA. im trying to laugh. eeeeeekkkk.
to some people though i guess that isnt very much at all. but i dont think ive ever had this many bills come at once.
its not like im being overcharged. im just kind of annoyed cos 2/3 companies have sent me late invoices. specially telstra..ggrrr. this bill should have been paid a month ago, its taken them this long to get their act together and stop sending me overdue notices instead of actual invoices.
and now my isp has sent me the invoice for my modem, that ive had for like 2 months as well as as the bundled fone and internet charges. so mean! lol
oh well. i guess laughing it off is all i can do, cos at the end of the day, i still have to pay them!
its not like i dont have the money, i do, it just seems like alot of money...to me.
but apart from that
all is well :-)
off to work....to earn money...to pay the bills!

hurt and confused

i havent written anything on here about tristram but now i reeaaally need to vent.
we met a while back. he seemed nice and he used to go to sunset coast so i knew that he'd respect the fact that i was a christian and would always put church first. we would have lunch together and hangout here in there in a bid to get to know each other a little better. i was really enjoying his company and also enjoying being able to hang out with a guy that was romantically interested in me, without having him try to put his hands all over me. one night he invited me over his place and he cooked me dinner and i met his mum and dad and sister. i was like 'wow' i was just so impressed. we sat on his lil couch in front of the tele and had a good laugh and mucked around and cuddled and had a bit of a kiss and it was soooo nice. there was no pressure and his kisses were so good. eventually it was time to go home and he gave me money for a cab (cos he's lost his license)

things kept going well for a while. he seemed to genuinly miss me if we didnt get to see each other for a week and he'd send me the sweetest messages that would leave me feeling so "warm and fuzzy".

then it all went downhill.

it had been a week since we had seen each other and we'd organised to have a picnic on wednesday before i started uni. but that never amounted to anything. he said he couldnt make it because his cousin had gotten himself into trouble and he needed to help him out. so that was ok with me. he said he'd come over at night time instead. so i was cool with that. but nope, he never came. i organised dinner and everything. he said he was still trying to sort things out with his cousin and get him out of trouble. he said he was still coming tho and would let me know wen...but he never came! and never did let me know that he cudnt make it. obviously i was a little annoyed and told him so too. but i also said that i understood it was for his cousin and i expected him to put his family first.
anyway

that blew over and he came over that friday afernoon for a while between work and church. everything was great. we were snuggled on the couch watching tv and chatting away. it was real nice. he said he really wanted to see me on sunday after church and had changed his community service over to saturday so he could hang out with me. so i was excited.

on saturday night i texted him to let him know that i was going to the library for a little while after church but to msg me and let me know when he wanted to catch up and id meet up with him...never did hear from him tho. in fact i still havent heard from him.

it did upset me. for obvious reasons! i was starting to like him. but my friends all said it was his loss and some even said that i was way out of his league anyway and that i deserved alot better. which was nice. but still doesnt stop u asking "WHY?" kind of makes me wonder if theres something wrong with me. but deep down i do know that he's the one with the problem and not me.

i told myself that i wouldnt call him....but shamefull i did. it was engaged. so at least i knew he wasnt dead. eventually i got through but it rung out and went to his answering machine. i just said i didnt know wot was happening and that i just wanted to know if he was ok. then i texted him. i told him that i didnt care if he was sick of me, or if he hooked up with some other girl on that friday night but he could at least be a man and TELL ME. then i said that all of that crap aside, i did grow to care about him and that it would nice to know if he's ok cos for all i know he could be dead in a gutter.
nope, still havent heart from him

but he's not dead. ... sadly. i saw him at work today. after my exam i went to lakeside with emma and we were about to walk past wen i realised, i looked up and there he was. i asked emma if we cud go around the other way. i didnt want him to see me. if he does see me i want to look HOT. HAHAAHHA. in the end tho we did walk past. i had to go to the vege shop. emma said that he watched me walk past. i asked if he had a strange look on his face. but she said he did, but thinks he might just look like that all the time! HAHAHA. that was funny.

but i really did feel like crap. i mean ok, i dont really want him dead haha. thats just silly but i was hoping to never see him again. but it makes me feel like total poop that he really has purposefully screwed me over.

on the bus trip home i couldnt get him out of my head.
was he thinking about me?
did he see me walk past and regret stuffing me around?
did me see me and think 'thank god im not with her anymore'?
did he feel a little bit bad?
or did he just see me, then get on with his day and forget about me?

i dont know. uurrggh. silly boys!

things that make u go 'hmmm'

this afternoon i went shopping with my lovely ruth janine and in the car we were talking about gaz n how he n teresa hav just hooked up and how sweet he is and how much he cares about her. ruth had, had some emails from him n he was talking about how he cant believe how blessed he is to have teresa and how its wot he's been praying for for so long and he cant believe its real. n we were both sitting there going 'aww how sweet how wonderful'
then i realised i had that...with jay. and it ended up repulsing me. it really did do my head in. and i wonder y that is. do i just not respond to guys who r that nice to me? am i so used to being treated like crap that wen a guy is nice to me i cant handle it. do i only respond to bad treatment? i dunno. im not overly worried. but it was one of those moments that struck me n made me think "hhmmm"

stupid centrelink

could centrelink possibly get anymore annoying? I DONT THINK SO!!! i got a letter in the mail the other day requesting my tax file number and all my pay slips from MARCH! i called them up to confirm my tax file number. but tell them i didnt have all of my payslips. the guy i was speaking to said "you have been working at jeans west for a while havent u?" and i said "yeh for like 3 years now" and then he asked "so why did u sign a new tax declaration form earlier this year" and i was sitting there thinking "wot? wot does that hav to do with anything" so i explained to him that i had to resign for the time i was in china otherwise it would be abandonement of employment but i got my job given back to me when i returned. then he asked for all my payslips. i said i had most of them but not all. he got all annoyed n said they'd write to jeanswest and request all of my payment information.
they are checking up on me to make sure that ive been reporting all my income correctly. the guy then says that if there are any discrepencies they'll contact me and charges may apply if ive reported an incorrect ammount! so i said to him that i have to report the day b4 my pay from jeanswest comes thru, therefore i have to PREDICT wot im gettin paid i never actually know exactly. and he just didnt care. he just repeated, if u have reported wrong you will receive a fine.

OOOMMGGG. i was so angry. this reporting process is total crap. they actually ASK U TO ESTIMATE. now they want to punish u for it. if i get any fines i am going to chuck the biggest fit. there is no way im paying it. centrelink seem to take pleasure in making lives harder for those who already struggle on a day to day basis.

i just hate the way that they make u report ur GROSS income and not ur NET income. it doesnt make sense. i dont get my gross income, that is $50-$100 more than wot i actually get in my hand. its just not fair. i dont pay my rent or bills with my gross income, so why the hell should i get money deducted off me from centrelink for money i never get?

i know i should be thankful that im getting any money at all cos some countries have nothing like this. but sometimes its almost like they enjoy making life hard for us.