blog from jan 13th 2005

wrote this "blog entry" in a notebook while in transit at osaka airport on the 13th of jan....


Emotions truly are surpisingly unpredictable and way beyond our control. while packing yesterday, while sleeping last night, white travelling to the aiport today...i felt nothing. it didnt feel like i was leaving AT ALL. i felt no excitement no sadness, i felt nothing. All i felt was confussion for why i was feeling nothing! So I'm not sure if that counts..haha. Even when we were checking my bags and getting my boarding pass i turned to Mum and said "It doesnt feel like I'm leaving." She just smiled.

5 minutes later though, it was time to say goodbye. I think my heart went into shock when mum said "Well Carrie, this is as far as we can go with you sorry." i was like "oh no". We took some photo's nad i cud feel the sadness welling up inside me and overwhelming feelings of loss emptied me right out. Shani was the first one i hugged goodbye and that was it...the tears started flowing. i couldnt let go of her. I couldnt believe it. THIS WAS IT. that 4 n a half to five months had come and gone too quickly for me to be able to do anything except freak out at the end of it. i cried more and more as i said bye to jon and Dad and finally, mum :-( Dad said over and over to remember to never be afraid to ask if i need anything. Mum didnt really say anything just hugged me and said she loved having me around.

I headed my way up the escalators to go through immigration before getting to the waiting room. Going up that escalator was so painful and the tears flowed so much. i waved my last goodbyes and blew them all kisses...then cried all the way through immigration and the security checks.

Mum had bought an 'IC card' so i could call her mobile when i got through to let them know that i was all good. i was still so upset and called them still in tears. i could hardly speak. eventually i settled down and spoke to everyone again. i guess for about 10 mins. i hung up the fone and burst into tears again. i went to the bathroom to try and compose myself then wen i went and st in the waiting room i pulled out a letter that shani had written for me. deep down i knew she'd write me a note..it was so sweet. and yep...it made me cry. the staff must have thought i looked rediculous.

eventually i boarded the plane, it was much bigger than i thought it would be and we got our own individual TV"S! AWESOME! i enjoyed flying over Dalian but it seemed like just one or two minutes before land was nolonger visable and it was water as far as the eye could see. once all land was out of site i felt like a huge hole had formed inside me. China truly does own a peice of me.

I saw a little bit of South Korea. it was very mountainous - beautiful. Here i am now though, in Osaka, Japan. The time is at least going fast. its 6:30pm. my flight leaves at about 9:25pm. tired to get on the internet before but they were all taken. ill go looking for a free one soon. i'm aching to email mum,dad, jon n shani. i miss them SO much at the moment. i know that if we were together now jon and shani and i would be laughing at our own stupid jokes. Dad would be sighing impatiently and mum would be fussing - over everything!

Gosh i miss them :-( :-( :-(