*ouch*---> yet the pain was to be expected

*sigh* well the inevitable has come to pass..as predicted by many. well in a way it has. today i got an email from dan saying that he wont b back from hong kong til march. cos he planned to go south on holidays later next week anyway and this weekend he's going to indonesia with his dad to help prep for the arrival of medical teams there.

i was heart broken. i cant believe i dont get to say goodbye to him. i cant believe that i will most likely never seem him again...my hot, sexy dark angel as i once called him. haha. if i had of known that the last time i saw him was gonna b the last time i saw him..well, i wuda kissed him and said something special. :-( instead we hugged smiled and said we'd see each other later...but we never did 'see each other later'.so yeh. im sad. i went to my room and had a good cry. i felt so frustrated and upset. upset that i didnt get to say goodbye and frustrated that his email didnt contain an 'i miss u' or 'sorry we didnt get to say goodbye'. not really a good sign. but what am i saying? wot wud have been a good sign? its such a dead end. secretly i hope that he'll decide to re-locate to australia or something. but its such a far-fetched day dream.

anyway. since one of my "i wills" was not to b afraid of "love" i emailed him back and told him how i felt. simply because i know its important and ill always regret it if i dont tell him. i've copied and pasted parts of my email here - i guess as a reminder that i did what i could to make sure dan knew how special he was to me and that i have nothing to regret. just good memories to enjoy...

"well, i wont lie to you dan im so sad that i dont get to see you before i go. sad that i dont get to say a proper goodbye to you. but i guess thats life and you cant have everything you want. i feel i have so much to say to you but dont even know where to start. its not really my style to have a 'discussion' like this via email but im not gonna see you face to fave prolly ever again so i guess i dont have much of a choice. gosh, dan i really like you. i know you know that. i know ive told you. but i guess im saying it again cos i feel i need to and ill regret it for the rest of my life if i dont.

i think your so amazing. from the first time i saw u i felt like, like i was on air. you make me smile and leave me smiling for hours after ive seen you. i just cant explain the way u uplift me. your the most special guy i have ever met.in fact id convinced myself that men like you didnt exist. haha. i know that in all reality im still getting to know u, but thats my impression of you so far. i hate that i cant have you. i hate that we had to meet under such circumstances and i hate that ill never see you again. it tears me into shreds. everything about u sweeps me off my feet...the way u look at me, the way u rub my fingers when you hold my hands, the way u kiss...DAMN ur kisses drive me so crazy.

anyway.i dont know what i honestly expected us to amount to. my best friend told me over and over that this wud end with me going my way and u going urs and i always knew he was right but basically i shut the horrible thought out and enjoyed every moment i could with you.im not putting this on you for any reason. i just..ive been so afraid to say anything to you about how i felt but i feel if i dont ill really kick myself. i dont expect you to have anything to say back to any of this..so dont feel like you owe me anything. i know that you have prolly met girls alot more interesting and 100 times more beautiful than me.

i never intended to fall for u dan. but i did. im sorry i cudnt help it
im going to miss you so much. pls, pls keep in contact..."