2004 in reflection and review

well its hard to believe thats its finally 2005. my new years was very uneventful. i spent it at home. well, we went out for hot pot which was lovely. and i shouted everyone a sundae from macca's. when we got home we played cards and then 'the party'...died! i went upstairs and continued with my addiction to "24" until about 30 seconds to midnight when everyone shouted out for me. so i ran downstairs as we had about 5 different countdowns cos every clock and every watch in the house had different times. haha. that was pretty funny. as i walked back upstairs i started to REALLY reflect on 2004...as you do on new years eve. i realised that this time last year i wasnt even 'with it' i had passed out. certainly a very different new years to this one. i still cant believe that stupidly i drunk myself into a flopping, spewing wreck. ill never do that again...
so what was 2004 a bout? what happened? what did i do?
hmm, well i had...1 bf? yeh, i bf..gosh. i was about to write 3...but that was 2003..i think. hahaha. gosh. the years are all melting together.
but the one man i dated, his name was Neale. we didnt last though. we only dated for a week or two. i met him thru a friend from yr 12. they worked together. he was my hight, bleeched blonde hair, nice body, gorgeous smile beauitful blue eyes...total sweety really. it was really total bliss with him. but as much as i liked him, he seemed to like me alot more. and soon marriage was being indirectly referred to, so i broke up with him. ill always hold him close to my heart though. and he helped me realise that i deserve a good man. he always treated me like such a princess. i remember on valentines day he had planned something but wudnt tell me!! it was a saturday and we were sposed to meet after i finished work. but he called about 4pm and said "wow u look gorgeous today"...and there he was, standing at the door! haha. i was so suprised. we went back to my place after work finished and i got changed. he took me to the movies and then we went back to his, he picked something up and we walked down to hillaries. he took me up to his favourite place. its a lookout that i didnt even know existed. and you can see all down the south coast line. it was so beautiful. we sat down and out of his back pack came a bottle wine, two wine glasses and a chicken salad that he had made himself!!!! it was so romantic and i was so impressed. we deffinately werent meant for each other cos we are just so different. but yeh, he helped me 'raise the bar' haha.

hmm, work was also very significant. i applied for uni and demoted myself to casual when i found out that id gotten into the UPC course. however i still had good hours. ill always love jeanwest. as much as the pressure drives me nuts sometimes...sales pressure is so rediculous sometimes. but i love dressing ppl up! and even though ive had my fair share of horrible customers i was always blessed with LOVELY customers too. i remember an elderly lady came back with a box of chocolates once to thank me, a middle aged lady also bought me a block of chocolate and a mother and daughter also called both my manager and regional manager AND wrote a letter to say how awesome i was...i mean im not trying to brag (altho i was very proud) but ppl like that, make everything worth it. its so nice to be appreciated.

then there was uni. oh how i really just LOVED my time at uni! i made some pretty good friends. met some really precious young ppl. was always interesting watching the kids that were fresh out of highschool...they were so convinced that it still mattered if u were cool or not. i really enjoyed most of my lecturers and tutors. they were nice ppl and as much as the pressure drove me a lil nuts at times (specially my maths unit - thank god for tyrone) i really did just love my course and love the time there. i spent alot of time studying and researching in the library and also in the labs and when it came time to leave as the end of the course i was sad - because ecu had really become my home. my santuary. i felt safe there. and i felt like i was doing something important. so yeh, my time at uni was special.

then of course...theres my time in china! wow. wot an experience this has been! so much as happened. i got some photo's developed to take home with me the other day...278 photo's! haha..all totally brilliant memories. which is why this time has been so special here, cos the memories are great..happy, interesting, inspirational and funny too!

tyrone...as usual tyrone is always a big part of my life cos he's so much help and he's so precious to me. sadly 7 months of this year we have been away from each other...actually prolly more like 8. yet he has still been the best of friends to me!!

sunset coast christian life centre...my church. altho its not a place of perfection it sure is amazing and the ppl there are so lovely. i started out on tea and coffee there then started ushering -which i really enjoyed. then i joined choir too and started to run bookshop and also teach at club180. it was nice to get involved. i will admit sometimes though, serving was so overwhelming and drove me a little nuts. but when you look at the bigger picture it really is great to be able to play a part in the operation of a place that supplies so much support and no job is more important than the other. but yeh, sunset coast has had a pretty big input on my life this year.

hhmmm, wot else. well, ill be honest. sadly, my new years experience didnt entirely put me off drinking. i dont ill ever 'give up' drinking. its something i enjoy but there were a few times last year where i really just pushed the button a little hard. and in some ways i think im lucky that i didnt end up in a hospital getting my stomach pumped. so i guess, its a year that did teach me something...it just took a few times for it to get thru to my head! :s

i spent alot of last year working on getting my license. which was one hell of an effort. hahaha. for 2 years in a row my new years resolutions have been "get a license and get a car" but so far..nothing! haha. however i passed my phase one test last yr not long b4 i came to china. so now all i have to do is log some hours and pass one more test and ill b on my P's!

in 2004 i kissed too many different men. specially considering that i only had one bf! being out in nightclubs, drinking, or even not drinking (!) i wud end up on that dance floor in the arms of someone who i barely knew and end up kissing some mr nobody. then running off....and finding another mr nobody! without really even thinking about that. i guess one VERY good thing and very healthy thing, was putting an end to my casual relationship with tyrone. (i did one thing right)

one thing i have come to realise...due to a friend bringing it to my attn...although ive never been afraid to like someone and have a good flirt..i am afraid to let them fully into my life. that was proven in the way i dumped neale for talking about marriage. i freaked out. not cos i dont want commitment, but because im afraid to fall in love. im afraid to go out of my way and show my TRUE feelings, cos, lets face it. the last time i did that i got screwed right over. i took a risk, thought it was real but it was all just a load of crap. even when i havent been totally honest about my feelings ive been screwed over too. my friend shane made me see yesterday that using my past hurts, as a reason to not fall for some one is such a joke. and not fair on the men that i will meet in the future. and he's so right.
as far as dan is concerned...its like, i pretty much know its a dead end. yet i feel he should know how i truly feel. but im too afraid to tell him. to afraid that he doesnt feel the same, too afraid that saying how i fell will make me feel it even stronger. but shane is right. i cant leave without telling him...but im so afraid...

so...in light of last year. i have ruled out any new years resolutions. they dont work they are crap.
instead...i have compiled a list of "i will's...." these may end up being just as unsuccessful and just as crappy as the resolutions. haha...but i hope they become more like goals than resolutions....

*i WILL get my license
*i WILL not fear love
*i WILL not kiss strangers!!!
*i WILL date the right man/men
*i WILL try harder to be a better christian
*i WILL value my friendships more and work harder with them
*i WILL put in a bigger effort as far as family in concerned
*i WILL be more responsible with money
and...
*i WILL...never forget dan.

happy new year.