closure

i got a reply from dan today.
gosh my heart stopped when i saw that reply sitting in my inbox.
he said that meeting me was one of the highlights of his year and that he does like me but given the short time frame we've had to get to know each other he's still unsure of what he REALLY feels.
also that i made him sound like this great guy and was glad that i didnt have the chance to get to know him better and realise that he was just a regular guy, like other guys ive known, and feel disapointed. then he talked about me meeting a person perfect for me in oz and wish me luck with everything.

a HUGE weight has lifted off my shoulders. last night i was discussing how upset i was with my friend andy. in the end i had to leave cos i was so upset. i went upstairs to my room, locked the door behind me and bawled. every sweet memory felt so sour. but now, all those sweet memories are sweet again and despite that period of extreme heartache i have no regrets anymore and im looking back at it all with a smile.


its funny tho...i got that email from dan and i realised i felt relieved...that he wasnt declaring his love for me...i realised im so not ready for something like that. im not ready for love. im not ready for something that serious...hell im ACHING to get back to australia and run a muck...u cant do that wen ur attached. im just not ready.

gosh its so weird how my emotions switched right over so quickly. and now i can get on with my life and stop feeling sorry for myself!!!!!
so..talking about my life...wot else has been happening with me apart from being hung over about a guy?

it snowed the other day!!!!!!!!! oh my! it was beautiful!!! on wednesday night it was...it got a lil heavy but only like ankle deep at most. we were at a friends house and on the way home it was snowing and it felt so lovely. so pretty. it was so cute...jon was doing run ups and skidding across the pavement..typical! boys cant help themselves! i was writing my name in the snow. and then...it started...SNOW BALLS!!!!! jon and i had a snow ball fight. he kicked my arse. i wasnt wearing any gloves, so after two measly little snow balls i cudnt feel my fingers anymore. actually, i thought they were pretty good sized ones, until i saw the boulder-sized snow balls jon was making! hahaha. he was wearing gloves tho so it wasnt fair!!! i got showered with them. haha. gosh i was in tears of laughter.

the other news thats headlining is my departure...its 5 days from now. hard to believe that ive been here nearly 4 and a half months...so weird. its gone so unbelievably fast. so much has happened. i hope that im a better person. tonite mum and i had the night together...everyone else was off doing their own thing. so we went shopping. that didnt last long cos it was outside shopping and all the streets are still iced over and cold and VERY slippery. we ended up going to pizza hut for dinner - which is a novely here in china. and i cud feel mum feeling so wound up and anxious about me leaving. so sad. i cud hardly make eye contact with her. she knows im excited about going back..i dont think she realises how truly sad i am tho. *sigh* oh the sadness of life sometimes!!

i guess the good thing is..i feel there is a song for every emotion, every sadness ive felt, every happiness, every peice of lust or love...which means im not alone in my pain or confusion, it means someone else has felt it too.