hurt and confused

i havent written anything on here about tristram but now i reeaaally need to vent.
we met a while back. he seemed nice and he used to go to sunset coast so i knew that he'd respect the fact that i was a christian and would always put church first. we would have lunch together and hangout here in there in a bid to get to know each other a little better. i was really enjoying his company and also enjoying being able to hang out with a guy that was romantically interested in me, without having him try to put his hands all over me. one night he invited me over his place and he cooked me dinner and i met his mum and dad and sister. i was like 'wow' i was just so impressed. we sat on his lil couch in front of the tele and had a good laugh and mucked around and cuddled and had a bit of a kiss and it was soooo nice. there was no pressure and his kisses were so good. eventually it was time to go home and he gave me money for a cab (cos he's lost his license)

things kept going well for a while. he seemed to genuinly miss me if we didnt get to see each other for a week and he'd send me the sweetest messages that would leave me feeling so "warm and fuzzy".

then it all went downhill.

it had been a week since we had seen each other and we'd organised to have a picnic on wednesday before i started uni. but that never amounted to anything. he said he couldnt make it because his cousin had gotten himself into trouble and he needed to help him out. so that was ok with me. he said he'd come over at night time instead. so i was cool with that. but nope, he never came. i organised dinner and everything. he said he was still trying to sort things out with his cousin and get him out of trouble. he said he was still coming tho and would let me know wen...but he never came! and never did let me know that he cudnt make it. obviously i was a little annoyed and told him so too. but i also said that i understood it was for his cousin and i expected him to put his family first.
anyway

that blew over and he came over that friday afernoon for a while between work and church. everything was great. we were snuggled on the couch watching tv and chatting away. it was real nice. he said he really wanted to see me on sunday after church and had changed his community service over to saturday so he could hang out with me. so i was excited.

on saturday night i texted him to let him know that i was going to the library for a little while after church but to msg me and let me know when he wanted to catch up and id meet up with him...never did hear from him tho. in fact i still havent heard from him.

it did upset me. for obvious reasons! i was starting to like him. but my friends all said it was his loss and some even said that i was way out of his league anyway and that i deserved alot better. which was nice. but still doesnt stop u asking "WHY?" kind of makes me wonder if theres something wrong with me. but deep down i do know that he's the one with the problem and not me.

i told myself that i wouldnt call him....but shamefull i did. it was engaged. so at least i knew he wasnt dead. eventually i got through but it rung out and went to his answering machine. i just said i didnt know wot was happening and that i just wanted to know if he was ok. then i texted him. i told him that i didnt care if he was sick of me, or if he hooked up with some other girl on that friday night but he could at least be a man and TELL ME. then i said that all of that crap aside, i did grow to care about him and that it would nice to know if he's ok cos for all i know he could be dead in a gutter.
nope, still havent heart from him

but he's not dead. ... sadly. i saw him at work today. after my exam i went to lakeside with emma and we were about to walk past wen i realised, i looked up and there he was. i asked emma if we cud go around the other way. i didnt want him to see me. if he does see me i want to look HOT. HAHAAHHA. in the end tho we did walk past. i had to go to the vege shop. emma said that he watched me walk past. i asked if he had a strange look on his face. but she said he did, but thinks he might just look like that all the time! HAHAHA. that was funny.

but i really did feel like crap. i mean ok, i dont really want him dead haha. thats just silly but i was hoping to never see him again. but it makes me feel like total poop that he really has purposefully screwed me over.

on the bus trip home i couldnt get him out of my head.
was he thinking about me?
did he see me walk past and regret stuffing me around?
did me see me and think 'thank god im not with her anymore'?
did he feel a little bit bad?
or did he just see me, then get on with his day and forget about me?

i dont know. uurrggh. silly boys!