"burning for revenge"

atm im reading a series. "the tomorow series", by John Marsden, an aussie author. its by far the best set of books i have ever read. im actaully reading them for the second time. and i imagine one day, ill read it a third maybe even a fourth time. its THAT good. its about a group of 17/18 yr olds that go on a camping trip for a weekend and wen they get back, the country has been invaded. and the series tells the story of all their brave and vicious attacks on the enemy. so far, 3 of the 8 have died some pathetically, some heroicaly. the main character, Ellie, actually reminds me alot of,well, me. and she forms this relelationship with Lee, a guy in their group. she looses her virginity to him. but as the war surges on their relationship becomes kinda shakey. and is more stop start than go go go. anyway. i have just finished book 5 (of 7), "Burning for Revenge"...quite an appropriate title for wot goes on in the book really, but thats a different story...
at the end of this book, they are caught up in stratton. a long way from their usual sanctuary.they are in hiding after blowing up a huge airfield. ellie and lee's relationship is kind of non existant, but still floating in the background. lee has discovered his parents have been killed and since then seems to be doing his own thing...crazy things. ellie notices that he takes long walks at nite by himself..for HOURS and comes back all revived and full of energy, not normal basically. she is convinced that he is doing some kind of individual attack on the enemy without telling them which cud put the rest of the group in danger..so...one nite she follows him. only, to her horror, (and mine, i sorta forgot this happened) he goes to a farm house and meets a GIRL! and not just any girl..the ENEMY! they meet with a kiss...oh gosh. i felt my heart burning with ellies. i really felt like i was there. gosh. this guy was sleeping with the enemy, literally. but this wasnt just a betrayal to the group or to the country, this was a physical and emotional betrayal to ellie. and it hurt me too!!!

it made me think of jonathan. suddenly all that pain from wot he did to me returned. i was feeling so strained and angry about the whole situation. it made me wish i was there so i cud run up to lee and beat the crap out of him. in the story, turns out that the enemy lee is sleeping with sells him out, and some men come with guns to get him. anyway, to make a long story short, ellie saves his life. then, in the aftershock starts to blame herself. that it was her fault that he had run to another woman cos she had been so reserved.

gee. the memories. i just feel so haunted again from that story. i keep telling myself that ive forgiven jonathan for wot he did, but i mean, with the anger and bitterness i feel after reading that, it makes me wonder if deep down i have forgiven him. and if, i will EVER get over it. HOW DO you get over being cheated on? i gave everything to him. he was my first kiss, my first...well, my first EVERYTHING. i promised him id come back for him. he told me we'd get married.he told me that he loved me.

after only 6 months, actually, prolly less than that, he had gone after another girl. ill never forget wen he told me that he'd cheated on me. i was in a net cafe here in china. i was excited cos he'd emailed me and told me that he wanted to talk and to b on the net at a certain time. i was looking fwd to talking to him sooo much.but wen he told me he'd slept with someone else. woah. my head dropped. it nearly fell off my shoulders. it dived into my hands and i wept. i was surrounded by ppl. but i didnt care.i was so shocked. i didnt even see it coming. he told me it was a one nite stand and he was drunk and he regretted it so much and that he knew he didnt deserve me. blah blah blah

and i bought it too. i sat there and rationlised. that he was only male, only human and that he didnt think i was coming back. he was prolly depressed. so that made it ok. (wot a load of crap really) so anyway. i remember the first nite wen i was back in oz. and we were together. we were kissing n stuff. and then all of a sudden i just started crying. and he knew y. boy o boy did he know y.and i ended up just lying there frozen, not looking at him. but i recovered and we got on withour relationship like nothing had ever really even happened.

on our one yr anniversary, he and his sister had a fight....and the truth came out. it wasnt a one nite stand it all. it went on for 3 months. and he was engaged!!!!!!!!!!! ENGAGED!!!!!!!! i must hav been one big idiot cos i still didnt dump him. i cudnt. i realise now y older guys like to date younger girls...cos they r easily manipulated and easily grow to depend on them.
i look back and wish i broke up with him. it bugs me that HE was the one to dump ME. after all he had done. he dumped me over a friggin text message. wot kind of freak does that?! wot an asshole.

i look back at the way he treated me. things like...wen there were other girls around i was invisable. like wen i first got back to perth he went to see a movie b4 picking me up, he was 3 hours late and acted like it was nothing...i wud go to his house and he'd play computer games or play the piano...he'd promise me we'd go to the beach or do something fun, then he'd play computer games,geeez. WHY did i stay with this guy? WHY did i let him treat me like that?

i sure have learnt my lesson tho. and since then i have deffinately raised the bar.apparently now he is married with 2 kids. good for him *extreeeeme sarcasm* im glad its not me. i secretly wish that one day we'll run into each other and that ill look totally amazing and he'll have the deepest sense of regret. haha. thats kind of evil and selfish. but i cant help it.

one thing i know for sure...if anyone every cheats on me again, they will be OUT of my life...but not before i kick their ass and give them a good reason to get a restraining order on me, well ok, perhaps i wont b THAT psycho. but they'll regret it thats for sure.