Moving forward or Slipping back?

i hate to admit it, but i have totally, 100% back slidden.
I was talking to a good friend about it last night on msn. i was asking how things were going with her, as far as church is concerned n well, they werent too many good things to say it seemed. she asked me, and shamefully i admitted that i had back slidden. i dont even know why. well actually, no thats a lie, i do know why. i have just been questioning everything. I've been questioning everything since i got here actually and it was working well for me, cos i was finding answers to my questions, which made my faith stronger. but then i stopped looking for the answers and just threw my arms up in the air. sorta like "wotever i dont care".

i was never entirely very full on. well i guess i was actually, just not compared to others. i think back on my schedule in perth and it was so involved with the church...

every second monday was choir practice
tuesday nights: culture group
wednesday nights: club 180 where i did book shop and did a little teaching
thursday: worked, no church.
friday night:church
saturday night: free to do what i want
sunday morning: church
sunday night: recover and sleep. haha.

i know that compared to some ppl that is totally nothing, but the point is, church and god was a very huge part of my life. I used to pray every morning and every night. now i dont pray at all. when i first got here i decided i would set out to read the entire bible in the time i was here, i havent picked up a bible in a month. and i couldnt really even give you a good reason for why.

Last night, after that conversation on msn, when i was going to bed i felt challenged, i knew i needed to pray. but i brushed off the unction and went to sleep. this morning i got up and went into the kitchen for breakfast. i nearly skipped it and was about to go upstairs and grab my novel and start reading that, when i realised we still had some cornflakes! *yay* hehe. so i sat down for that and there in front of my was my mum's bible. and to the left of were 2 of our many devotionals. i tried to ignore them and kept eating. then, when i went to leave the kitchen those devotionals just kept jumping out at me. so i thought "ok god, lets see what msg u can send me today" i remember often, devotionals somehow always seem to be just what you need to hear and i couldnt believe what these two devotionals had to say.

the first one was about god being "El shaddai", which means, the great god almighty, the all-sufficient one. it was about how he was more than enough. which to me, kind of spoke to me like as if, i dont need anything else if i have God. and that encouraged and challenged me a little.

but the second one. i could NOT believe the title when i opened up to dec 1st...."Moving forward or Slipping back?" good thing i didnt read it while i was eating breakfast i would have choked on my cornflakes. i was blown away. i could not believe that this reading was about back sliding. it talked about people who build themselves up to a level where they are ready to teach, then for no reason in particular, slip right back down and need teaching all over again. he (the author) was stressing the fact that, the less of the bible you read, the less faith u have and the bigger chance you have of 'slipping back'.

i then went into the living room to look for another devotional that we have for young people. i was just ACHING to know wot this one had to say!!! it was titled "dont buy the lie" and yep, you guessed it, that was also exactly what i needed to hear. it was basically about how satan can get into our lives and lie to us. trying to convince us that we are losers, or we are depressed, or we're not good enough, or try to highlight possible future struggles so we start to worry. it went on to say that we should read about gods promises to us in the bible so when satan does come to toy with our minds or destroy our lives we dont have to let him ruin us.

that last reading totally made me realise how much i have let satan rule me lately. in the last month i have felt so down, so defeated, so worried, so stressed, so...."shmeh". the biggest link there is that its been the last month that ive just totally separated myself from god. havent prayed, havent read the bible havent done crap all. all ive done is mope around.

SO. ive decided. NO MORE defeated depressed carrie. i am happy as larry carrie (hehe that ryhmes!) i know that some ppl might say "well i NEVA read the bible and i NEVA pray and im just doing fine" well...good for them, i now know that i need god in my life and when i let go of him, things just are not the same.