self hating

man i hate myself. i look in the mirror at the moment and just want to smash it. i feel so ugly, fat and disgusting. my skin is absolutely feral. i have never had such horrible skin. and it feels like nothing i can do will make it better. putting makeup on makes me feel better, but it makes my skin 100% worse. god its horrible. and sometimes really, the makeup doesnt make that much of a difference, only makes me feel a lil better about myself. ive gotten to the point where im staying inside as long as i can so that way i can avoid having to put makeup on. theres no way ill leave the house without it on. mum thinks im crazy. but really. the last time i DIDNT wear makeup my chinese friend said "whats wrong with your face?" for crying out loud. that made me feel just friggin great didnt it!!?

but its not just the skin on my face...my WHOLE body is so so so dry. god. im a feral freak. my shoulders, arms and top of my legs are dry. the tops of my hand r starting to get flaky. my knuckles are dry and red cos now wen i knock them they get extra sore and the skin gets scratched off them so much easier. far out. wots going on?

oh...and then theres my arse. oh my god. even my mum just said that my pants r too tight! WHAT! thanks mum. thanks alot. gee. wot am i meant to do? and my legs r so gross. i mean, my legs were never perfect but they used to be better than this.

my hair needs dying, i need to visit the beautician. i need like a total make over. i just feel so ugly and feral and disgusting. ppl joke about other ppl getting beaten by the ugly stick, but i feel like i really have been. i dont even want to look at myself in the mirror anymore. today, while teaching one of my students, she kept looking at herself in the mirror, so i leant over to look in the mirror too, to distract her and get her attn back to her lesson. but gee. i saw my reflection and thought "no wonder she's looking at herself in the mirror...anything but looking at me" :-(

meh. i feel like ive tried everything. i moisturise from head to toe. i drink water non stop all day. drink lemon water. eat lots of vegies. i dunno. i give up. im actually hoping Dan DOESNT call me to have lunch together this week cos i dont want him to see me like this again. i dont want him to remember me like this.

uurrrgghhh. why can i just be half normal. and have nice skin? just ONE thing nice. one thing normal. geez. i hate myself so much. it makes me want to cry. how cud dan even have kissed someone that looks like me? maybe he just wanted SOMETHING didnt care who it was. but i dont think he's like that. god this is crazy. i want him to call me soo badly. it breaks my heart that he hasnt called since friday. but at the same time, i think id b afraid to answer.
he saw me without makeup on, on sat morning and i freaked. he was like "er i dont care carrie, dont b silly" but maybe thats y i havent heard from him? wot if he's like "gee, carrie looks like CRAP without makeup on"

:-( why am i so ugly? :-(