innocence

innocence
who defines it?
and what is it?
when i think of innocence, i think of a porcelain faced young woman, in a beautiful dress of lace with apricot blush and rich dark hair, with perfect teeth, flawless skin and wonderful nails...who also happens to be a virgin.
to me, virginity defines innocence.
i am not innocent
although i am set free from my past.

but being 'pure' and still have ur virginity does not make u innocent really, does it?
after having lunch with a friend who is a virgin, but hearing all of her 'stories' i know she is very far from innocent. which made me think, how far is too far?

i think circumstances also define where to stopping point should be. kissing someone you love is fine. kissing a stranger who's name u dont know...not quite the same.

rolling over in the morning to your spunk husband must be a beautiful thing...no where near as depressing as rolling over in the morning to a stranger and wondering where u are and how you got there.

things ive done in the past drag me as from innocence as the east is from the west. but thats ok. i think god can use me in this. i hope that thru the tough lessons i learnt that i can help girls over come their weaknesses in the same area - or more importantly, warn them b4 they get there.

but that involves ppl knowing wots happened. and am i ready for that? this afternoon i was having a conversation with 2 other girls about sex. then it went onto how men fool girls into believing that its just wot 'everyones doing'. i shared a story about the guy i lost my virgintity too and the lies he told me. one of the girls seemed shocked that i wasnt a virgin. (which i guess is a good thing!!!) and then she was all like 'oh sweet r you ok? do u need a hug?" i just laughed and shrugged and said "nah im over it! it happened years ago"... i realised after i said that, that the way i emphasised the word 'years' wasnt such a good idea. and that shocked her even more. it was kind of funny. im not sure y. it just was.

anyway
im rambling

although ill never be 'innocent' i can still be pure in god. and im so thankful for that.

i came back!

today i went into my 'old' prac school (where ive been going all year but have now finished) i had left a book behind and also wanted to collect a students writing sample for an assignment of mine. i was so excited about going in, but also nervous because i didnt want to interupt the class. i arrived at 2:50 and the children were all putting their shoes on. i knocked on the door and peeped my head around. "MISS WILSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" all the kids screamed out. haha. Joy invited me in and all the kids were shrieking and laughing and i heard one voice say "SHE CAME BACK!!" oh. my whole world froze! ...'she came back'...aawww, i left them!!!! *sniff sniff* it was so great to see them. they came swarming up to me giving me cuddles and full of grins. they were all updating me on their lives! like OH MY GOD...a five year olds life really is busy! hehehe. there had been birthdays which was exciting.
i miss those kiddies so much!!!! :-(

CONVERSION

This WAS me

This IS me NOW :-)

sincere encouragement.

this past week i have received so much encouragement that i am just blown away.
part of me does feel slightly worried that this cud be the calm b4 the storm and that im gonna need to dwell on all these encouragements in a few weeks time or something when im REALLY being tested! but for now i am just..well, feeling so encouraged! haha. it seems everyone i see has something nice to say. i cant honestly be pleasing this many people all at once! but i am so thankful to all these people because it really is stengthening me and making me feel validated. you dont realise that you really are achieving something good until someone tells you...repeatedly. haha.
i mean the other night at refresh i saw amber and smiled and she said "hi carrie! we were talking about you the other day!" i must have pulled a worried face cos then she said "oh no we were just saying how amazing you are"... i could have choked. and she said it right in front of pastor gerard. haha. but like i dont know amber that well, but to know that she notices me and sees me in a positive note..well, i dont know how to explain how that makes me feel...i guess, special.
anyway im rambling on. i just wanted to write about how nice it is so be surrounded by so many uplifting people.

oh what a feeling

i think this is the first time in my life where i feel like i am doing what im actually meant to be doing. i know i am fulfilling my destiny. next week i go on my two week block for professional experience and i couldnt be more excited! Last night i was brainstorming some more ideas for lessons and went to bed buzzing with ideas and plans. as i lay in bed i thought "wow! i just KNOW teaching is for me!" i msged my friend ty and said "is this wot it feels like when your doing wot u were born to do?" cos that is how i felt. i cant even explain it.

today i phoned my mentor teacher just to clarify a few things and explain to her some of my ideas. she seemed happy with all of them and gave me lots of encouragement. i got off the fone with an even greater buzz!
then i sat down and wrote my first lesson plan. as i was writing it God really was just giving me all these wonderful ideas of what to say and do to make the lesson engaging. i went to work feeling rather hypo!

at work there were so many kids that came in and i had so much fun playing and chatting with them. there was one girl who i was talking to and admiring her hair and her little pink fur jacket. i could tell she just LOVED all the compliments. before she left with her mum she said "excuse me" then handed me a lollipop and said "this is for you" with a sweet little grin. i was so shocked! i asked why she was giving it to me, but she just smiled. i knew it was cos i was nice to her..or something like that anyway. it really touched me hey. that a young child gave me a lollipop! so cute!!!

then after work i had to go and grab a few things for my prac. one of my lessons is introducing the letter 'w'. i have to dress up as a witch-much to my disgust. howeva im dressing up as a 'white witch' to i look less sinister. so i went and bought a nose with a Wart on it. and bought some White cardboard and White lace for my hat. then i went home and made the hat and tried it on with my nose. it looks so good hey. (well...as good as a witch can look!)
wow
im so excited!
i really am doing what i am destined to do and i cant even explain the buzz im feeling.