do they miss me?

this evening i was washing off my makeup and i had a flash back of wen i was packing my things to leave china earlier this year. i was in my brothers room and nicking some moistouriser to bring home. i remember seeing jon's face as i pumped out some of the cream. it was like it was hitting him that i was leaving but didnt want to show emotion. i mean maybe im totally wrong. maybe he was annoyed cos id distracted him from his computer game and he lost a life or something. i dont know.
but it made me wonder, if jon and shani miss me. it made me wonder how often they think of me? do they go a week without wondering how i am? or a day? or, do they think of me several times a day? and when they do think of me, are they sad cos im not there? or are they laughing inside about something funny that happened while we were together. i know these are all rather self centred thoughts- but lets face it, we all like to be missed.
i think of my family every day. even if it is briefly. i think of them in my prayers and when i walk past pics of us together. or if something happens this reminds me of something to do with them. but other than that i choose to try to not think of them so that i dont get upset. even writing about them now makes my heart ache and my eyes water. i know if i start crying, the tears will flow for ages.
i just love jon and shani so much. i got a letter from mum today and the first thing she mentioned was that it was only 19 days til we were going to see one another. i couldnt believe that my mum was counting down the days. i was so touched. and it made me think of what it was like leaving them all behind in china wen i left to go back to australia. i cant explain how much it hurt. my tears were more real than ever. and so many ppl were staring at me becos i was sitting waiting to board with tears flowing like a river. i just couldnt stop. and pain i felt inside was horrible. and my last waves goodbye. and then realising i was past the point where i could s till see them. i felt a small state of panic. this was it- i was leaving my family behind, again. and it made me dread saying goodbye again later on this month.
i sometimes wonder if jon and shani are mad at me, for leaving them. i wonder what goes thru their minds, when i pack my bags and leave. they never cry. do they cry later? or are they just used to it now? is life better wen im not around? but i just love them so much. and i hate knowing that it will be a year b4 i see them again after my visit with them in syd later on this month.
it really is horrible when u havent got family around. i have plenty of adopted family and a wonderful support network here. but sometimes i just wish i cud hug my mum. or paint nails with shani or be an idiot with jon or watch a movie with dad. and i dont have that. where i am now i have been alone for 3 weeks. ive discovered that i dont cope well being alone. i mean, i do cope. but i dont like it one bit. ive never craved human contact and affection more than i am at the moment. *sigh*
i just wish that there were less goodbyes in life. they really do hurt so so so much