when friends move on

my dearest ty-fighter is leaving. on sunday he leaves for south africa for 3 years. he will return every 6 months for a holiday. but a holiday isnt quite the same really. i mean im totally happy for him. this is such a big huge amazing opportunity for him. how many 23 yr olds have the oppurtunity to earn 100k a yr? not many. but he deserves it. he's worked so hard and been thru so much that he deserves a break!

im pretty upset tho :-( he came and visited on monday. i really enjoyed having him over. we didnt do anything major. he came over, we bummed around. we didnt even talk much. which was kind of weird. but we both had alot on our minds i guess and were just enjoying each others company. i know sometimes words dont need to be spoken for friends to have a conversation! then we went to hillary's for lunch. which was really nice. it was totally packed, it being easter monday and all. but the weather was amazing and the water looked beautiful. its a day that will be fixed in my memory for a long time to come. then we got back to my house and we did these personality profiles on each other. that was really funny. comparing wot we thought we were to wot the other person thought we were LOL.

then it was time for him to leave. we gave each other big fat hugs and i gave him a cheeky butt dance as he drove off...then i broke down in tears. it wasnt even our final goodbye...that is coming tomorrow when he's dropping off my lap top. but i just lost the plot. i went into my room and bawled. i just felt so lost and upset. i felt empty. thats a better word. theres a part of my heart that i didnt know existed and it was aching so badly. and it always does when tyrone leaves. i sat down, with the waterworks still pumping and wrote him his goodbye letter. i figured that was a good-a-time as any. id been trying to write it for ages but cudnt write wot i needed too. the letter is fairly long and soppy and teary, but i did it.

then i turned the music up loud, cried some more, then put on my running shoes. i knew i needed to run. running is so theraputic for me. it clears my head and helps me think. i dont know far i ran. it was to the school and back non-stop so im guessing 3 or 4 kms. it felt so good..well it hurt too, but it felt real good. it really did clear my head and help to see things from a different perspective. it clicked in me that for the past 3 years everything has been me...and tyrone. or at least thats how its been in my mind..."i wonder wot tyrone wud think if i did this" or "oh no i cant tell tyrone i did that" or "this reminds me of when tyrone and i..." he had become a HUGE part of my life. and now...its gonna be me, myself and i. and for the first time i felt excited. i had this picture in my mind of a new woman who is self developed and loves life and conquers the world. im not sure if ill be all of those things, but thats wot im aiming for.

i know that when i returned from china this year wud be tough and that it would be a new chapter in my life. but i didnt realise it was going to be tough and be a new chapter in so many different ways.
its gonna be tough, financially as i have new financial goals and a new lifestyle...but now im seeing new challenges, tyrone leaving and my new distance from cara. there are lots of other little things but they are the ones that stand out.
and the new chapter i always just invisioned uni...but i can see now that with tyrone gone and with him being a smaller influence on my life i am gonna develop into a different person. im not saying that tyrones influence was bad, or even incredibly good. im just saying that i will change. and theres no point fearing change, u just gotta embrace it i guess.

im feeling good today. but tomorrow is goodbye. im not sure how ill feel then. id hoped that by now id be all cried out. God knows ive been crying over him leaving every night (not an exaggeration) for the last 2 weeks. but something tells me theres plenty more where those tears came from. :-(

anyway, i guess i should go home...