if u can not love...respect?

theres no fragile way of saying this. but i dont know if i love my Dad. ppl mite say, well hey, maybe he gets to u, but you truly love him-deep down. but im still not sure. its weird how things change.

when i was young i loved him and he loved me. im sure he still does. but like, when your young your daddy knows everything. he is the almighty! you'd never question anything your daddy ever did or said.

then you hit those yr's previous to your teens and your daddy, becomes DAD....who is just plain embarassing!!

Then you hit your teens and your dad is the painful thing stopping you from getting this peirced and dating that boy. but deep down u know he's just being dad.

then as u continue to get 'older' you develop your own ideas. you start to experience life and see how things really are in the real world.

when i was in china wen i was 16 i started to feel iritated by EVERYTHING that my father said or did. we fought often. it wud end in him yelling, me screaming and storming off in the opposite direction. mum always took my side...sometimes id have to apolagise, but mostly he was just being a b*****d. and everyone could see that.

i just dont get my dad. he lacks logic. he lacks manners. he doesnt think of others. he doesnt think b4 he speaks. he goes out of his way to piss you off. he goes out of his way to make life difficult for you. and he thinks he's funny. he finds most of the above funny. ITS NOT!

he is a total embarassment. i cant stand going places with him. he has NO people skills and holds no regard for other ppl's feelings. we are in a foreign country, yet he insists on speaking english to everyone. and acts like its their fault they cant speak english. like, omg, we r in THEIR country! u cant speak english to them n get frustrated wen they dont understand. i find myself constantly translating to the chinese on his behalf. and not just thru language but also in manners. its like he doesnt understand y raising ur voice is innapropriate in a shopping centre to an attendant that is only doing her job. and tiny things like...if a taxi drives past n honks his horn (in china thats sort of like 'hey do u need a taxi?' kind of thing) he will raise and wave his hands n say 'NO!' and of course the taxi driver doesnt speak english, so he works with my dads body language. the taxi driver will pull over, thinking that since dad is waving his arms everywhere that he wants a cab...so dad gets mad at him! "bu hao! i dont want you! i said no!"..and he YELLS this out too! cudnt he just say it? or better yet, cud he be NORMAL and just ignore the taxi n keep walking, like everyone else on the face of this earth. we've all tried to delicately explain to him y he needs to stop it, but he doesnt. is he stupid or something? i know thats a pathetic example but geez. it really gets to me.

oh! and omg. he gives his mobile number out to his students. which i wud NEVER DO. and he gets fone calls, all the time 'teacher i am depressed' 'teacher i want to ask how u r?' and then he gets mad at them and yells at them for calling and bugging him! omg...u gave them ur friggin number dad. wot do u expect?

he supposedly quit smoking and drinks yrs n yrs ago wen mum n dad become "more serious christians". but i believe he's a liar. i remember wen we lived back in australia down in yarloop...bout 2 hrs south of perth he used to go down to the bowling club alot. he used to play darts n bowls n stuff. it was like his social thing. but i mean really it was like he went there to get away from us.

i remember i was trying to plan something for my 14th bday. mum said i cud invite one friend and we'd all go down to bunbury n watch a movie, go to the beach and then have pizza hut. i was real excited! i called my friend freyla to invited he n dad over heard the convo. he got real pissed cos no one had told him about it and that was the day that he played bowls (despite it being my bday) he started yelling at me and my mum (i was still on the fone by the way so my friend heard all of this) he was telling us we cant go planning things without telling him. mum told him, fine, not to come anyway we didnt want him there if he was gonna b like that. he lost it. he screamed at me to get off the fone. then told all of us to get out of the house. he followed us out and was swearing and yelling so loud. i was screaming at the top of my lunge telling him to shutup over and over til it hurt. but it was like a whispher compared to his booming voice. mum was having a go at him too. he picked up my mum and threw her. i ran. i ran down the road as fast as i cud. f***i was so scared and so mad. it was summer. the road was real hot. i got blisters all over my feet cos they burnt from the hot bitumen. eventually i saw mum driving up after me in the car. she picked me up n we went looking for jon n shani. we found them n went into town to get away for a while. dad ended up coming to my bday into bunbury. but he whinged the whole time and read some stupid book.

one time i was at the bus stop on my way to school n a friend of mine asked if christians were allowed to drink or smoke? i said that ppl had differing views. n she said "like, isnt ur a dad a minister or something?" and i said that yes he was. and she asked whyy he's always smoking then? i was really disturbed. i told her that my dad had quit smoking. but she went on to tell me that she sees him smoking all the time. i spoke to my little brother about it and he said that yes, dad smokes and, wait for it....drinks too. i asked how he knew n he said that wen dad took him into basketball he wud smoke. i was so angry.
and earlier this yr, jon n dad visited me in perth. but they also visited some of my brothers that live up in the daintree rainforest. the lifestyle up there revolves around the pub. i asked jon if dad was smoking. he said yes, and that he was drinking alot to. i tell ya. that pissed me right off.

wot a hypocrite. and he's lying to my mum! the whole family. my mum thinks he doesnt drink or smoke anymore. how is he gonna explain the cancer he gets in 15 yrs from smoking to my mum? that oughta be interesting huh? she already lost her dad to lung cancer from smoking. THATS IT DAD. AS IF ITS NOT ENUFF TO LOSE HER DAD TO CANCER, Y DONT U CONTINUE TO TORTURE HER WITH UR LIES? wot kind of a 'minister' does that? smokes, drinks and then LIES to his family about it? wot a psycho. omg. i hate him so much. i just want to punch him.

wen mum was away recently i came home from work earlier than dad was expecting. out at the balcony was a packet of smokes n a lighter. my blood started boiling. i walked out to the kitchen where my dad was, holding the smokes in my shaking hands, i asked him if they were his. he quite quickly denied it..said they were a friends, he must of left them there. it was such a bullcrap story. i just said 'ok, well i guess we dont need them then' and i threw them out the window to the rubbish collection area. shortly after he went for 'a walk'. i bet my life he went to look for those smokes...or buy some new ones.
he just makes me sick.

i mean this morning he got ready to go out somewhere. jon asked 'hey where u off to dad?' and he looked at jon and said 'out'. like geez. wot the hell is he hiding? i reckon he goes to bars and drinks. it must be something bad. or else he'd just flipping tell us! far out. he is so dodgy. no wonder he's always wearing so much cologne. we nearly choke from it. he's prolly tying to cover up the smell of beer and smokes.

when i was younger my parents separated for a while. i always wondered if it was another woman. i remember coming across a wedding photo of my mum's, just a few yrs ago, that had been torn up into tiny peices...then sticky taped back together again. seeing that, sent chills down my spine. and it kind of rekindled my worry, that my dad had indeed cheated on my mum. i still dont know if he did or not. wen i first got here in china mum and i went and had coffee and had a good heart to heart. it came up about dad and i said that he really annoys me but ill try n tollerate him. mum said that at the end of the day he is my father and that i have to respect him, even tho it may not seem like he deserves it. the way she said that was really weird. like her tone of voice. and i asked, y they split up. she just went quiet. and i just said 'its ok, i dont think i want to know'. and she said 'its best u dont'
*sigh*
i mean there r times where my dad is a good man. i know that he loves me dearly. i am his first daughter and he esteems me very highly. i do need to respect him. but ggrrr i just....cant stand him. one thing i heard in a sermon the other day was that, if you cant love your father u must at least respect him. so i guess. that is my mission. to respect my dad, if nothing else.