small stones with big ripples

it funny how the smallest occurances can leave the biggest ripples in ur life. be it for hours, days, weeks, months, yrs, wotever. i think being in china its the small things that get to me the very most.

on friday i was in a mini bus with mrs jin on the way out to her place to teach her two girls, as i do every friday. usually her kids are on the bus too, along with another family but school finished early so they were all home already, which meant it was just me and her. her english is ok. its very basic, but good enuff to hold a basic conversation. it had gone kinda quiet n we were both in our own little worlds really. then she turned around and asked "wot is ur dreaming?" i was a little confused. she said again "dream...what is your dreaming? ur dream?" i thought maybe she meant like, wot was i day dreaming about? cos i really was day dreaming i had drifted right off. she saw my confussion n started searching for another english word. then she said "hope! ...h ... o ... p ...e. what is your hope? your dream?" then i clicked! i realised she was referring to the future...

"WHAT IS YOUR HOPE? YOUR DREAM" (FOR THE FUTURE)

that is a pretty basic question really. a question you hear alot when your young and you have the world at your feet. but the way she said it really affected me. the word dream and the word hope. wow. i realised that maybe my "hopes and dreams" and what i actually have planned could really be very different. i mean as humans we dream alot. and we hope for alot. but does any of that really surface into our own personal goals? i dont really think so.

so i told her my 'hope, my dream' ...

that i hoped one day to return to china. i also want to go to vietnam, kazakstan and korea. i want to complete uni and become a primary school teacher. i hope to get married and have children.

after i told her she seemed so moved. almost to tears. she looked me straight in the eye and said "that is beautiful" meanwhile i was sitting there thinking, how plain and boring. i summed up my whole life in a sentence or two. funny how ppl can view our own hopes and dreams so differently to us!

i think i need to learn to dream more exotic dreams and try and include them into my future goals. i need to not worry about wot other ppl think and just throw a little caution to the wind.

* * *

also. the other day i was downloadin some old matchbox 20 songs. i dont like their new stuff, its too unreal. i prefer music with raw emotion, its easier to relate to and u find your self REALLY singing alongto it. but yeh i was listening to 'push' which i love. and one of the lines says ..
"n i dont know if ive ever been really loved, by a hand thats touched me..."
and as i sung along my heart kinda sunk a little. cos i felt that really is MY line. obviously there r friends n family that have touched me, that love me. and i know that. but i mean like, bf's kind of thing. none of them have really loved me. yet ive given so much away to them. it made me sad.
but its also encouraged me to make sure that from now on the hands that touch me...WILL b hands that love me. cos i just dont see why i should lower myself to anything less.