confused

Words cant explain how exhausted I feel at the moment. I’m not sure if it’s mentally or physically though. I guess both. For some reason today has just worn me out. Nothing too amazing happened. I think maybe I’m stressed. Mum gets back from her trip tomorrow and I really wanted for the house to be spotless, but it’s a lost cause. I feel like I’ve spent the last week and a half picking up after everyone. I’ve had an absolute gutful. I don’t know how my mum puts up with it to be honest. Being in this position puts me off EVA getting married and having kids.

Dad hardly does anything around the house, and when he does, he doesn’t do it properly, so even though I appreciate the effort I’d kind of rather he didn’t, ‘cos it still means more cleaning for me anyway.

No one in family has any concept of general hygiene or the fact that we have this over whelming epidemic of cockroaches. And it’s friggin’ no wonder why, they leave food lying around everywhere. I woke up the other morning, only to find the previous night’s dinner still sitting on the table. I couldn’t believe it. I took one night off from the kitchen and it was rodent heaven in there! Yesterday I vacuumed the lounge room, thinking that would be one less job for me to do today, but its just as messy again! Apparently it was too hard to walk a few meter’s and grab a plate to eat over!!!!!!! Ggrrr!!!!

I feel like if mum comes home to a dirty apartment she’ll look down on me. I mean, maybe she won’t. Its not like she said “Carrie, your in charge of keeping the house clean”, it was more of a silent understanding between everyone…”If Carrie can take care of herself, she can take care of us too!”

But on a positive note it opened my eyes for what to expect in the future I guess. I see now that perhaps a majority of men have NO idea about keeping things clean, so ill be sure to have my man trained before we get married! Also its so weird planning meals for an actual family. Shopping for a family and not just for your self sure is different too! I went grocery shopping real early the other morning, down by the sea, bout 6 am, they have real cheap vegie markets there. But yeh anyway, I cud hardly walk home with the huge load I bought. And that wasn’t even all the vegie’s I needed! I had to kind of laugh though. I thought to myself, “Gee Carrie, this sure is different, u cant just come home with pasta meals and 2 min noodles when you’ve got a family to feed!” There sure is a lot more responsibility in having/taking care of kids then u first realise.

But yeh, apart from that huge amount of complaining everything in china is just going so great. To be honest I really don’t want to leave. I guess I have to though. Just a week ago I was saying how, if I cud just have my friends here it would be perfect. But I don’t know, I feel distanced from my friends at the moment, emotionally not physically, as the physical distance is unavoidable. Its not that I feel forgotten, I don’t know, I cant explain the way I feel as far as my friends are concerned. And it’s not all of them, just a select few. Its like they have changed. I talk to them, and I think “That’s not the girl/guy I knew a month ago”. But I guess that’s a real stupid thing to say. If anyone’s changed, it would have to be me. I’m the one in a different country! LOL. But if I have changed I can’t think how, I wonder if my friends think that I’ve changed? And if so, do they like the change? Or do they totally hate it?

I look back at my life in Australia and it all just seems so worthless. Like its all for nothing. Like it’s a life filled with superficial charms…clothes, shoes, alcohol, clubs, men (not much of that though!) and all things stupid and unimportant. I hate feeling like this. I hate it so much. Deep down I knew this would happen. The last time I spent a long time with my family I returned to Perth analyzing my life and coming to the conclusion that it was shallow and stupid. I feel like I’m looking back at my life in Australia, and I’m just this girl wondering around, looking for something more, like I’m a lost child. Looking for SOMETHING, just to get me through that life of superficial charms and decorations. ‘Cos decorations is all they are. They fade away and grow old. Then what? I suppose more charms develop, but only to cover up the bareness of what real life really is.

I feel stuck though, ‘cos I…I want to stay here, but I have this thing in me saying, “No u don’t.” and I’m just so lost. I don’t know what to do. Part of me is like “hello, you are so young, live for your self, travel, experience a new culture, experience life!” and the other side is like “Carrie you need to study, you need to save, get your license, get a car, make a life for your self.” I don’t know. I need someone to make the decision so that when it all goes wrong I don’t have to blame myself and hate myself for stuffing up, AGAIN. *sigh*

I feel like life here could be so lonely though. There are not many foreigners here so it’s hard to kind of ‘be normal’. But my life back in oz was pretty lonely too….staying up most nights watching tv by myself. Is that what I’m gonna go back to? Or pulling all nighter’s, if I get into uni and battling with all my bosses at jeans west about hours and trying to get money.

I feel that, with all the stuff God has spoken into my life in the last month, that going back to Australia is actually what I’m meant to do. He told me that next yr will indeed be tough, but that I just need to seek him and seek him and seek him and trust him in everything. I felt as though he was referring to my basic survival emotionally, educationally and also financially (if I get into uni) So I wish this hindering desire to stay here would just leave me. But imagine if I didn’t get into uni? Wot would I do? Would I book the next flight back to China? To be honest, I think that I would. I feel like I’m running though, but running from what? I just don’t get it. That suck’s, I don’t even understand my own feelings and desires. How can I trust myself, when I don’t even understand myself!!!! Gggrrrrr!!!!!!!!!!

I give up. I guess I just need to take it all as it comes. I haven’t told any of my family how I feel though. I don’t want for them to get their hopes up for nothing.

Off for now…
carrie