men *grrr*

i dont understand why men have to be so intolerable. so so so so so so intolerable.
this afternoon i decided i would call my very best friend, Tyrone. obviously, tyrone is a guy. we are very close. he is like family to me. i was so pumped about calling him. he is one of those few people in my life who seems to be able to brighten a very crappy day just by saying hello...no not even, all i have to do is see his caller id and im happy.

so yeh, i get a calling card, punch in those many many numbers and wait very excitedly for him to answer....
only to find an unwelcoming tyrone on the other end.

i said 'hi'

and he was like 'um hi'

and i started talking,

then he cut in and said 'hey do u mind if i call u bak later'

and i was like 'uum, yeh sure'

then, wait for it,

he said 'no i mean later as in tomorrow'.

i cud hear his flat mate laughing in the background, or muttering perhaps.

and i said 'wot?'

and then he said 'um, sorry, but im watching black hawk down can i call u tomorrow?'

i cudnt believe he was serious. he was ditching me for a movie.
i kinda fumbled with words then hung up.

i know it sounds lame, but i just wanted to cry. here is my best mate who doesnt even have time just for a 'hello, how r u? i miss u' geez. pause the movie for cying out loud u stupid man!! for ten mins! get ross to chill and have a beer while he waits.

it made me feel stupid. i drop everything for him. im an idiot. if he called and there was a movie on, the movie wud be stopped and everyone wud have to shut up while i spoke to him, y? cos he is my best friend and i havent seen him for 3-4 months. and i miss him sooooooo much. we used to talk on the phone every night for ages. my night felt weird if we didnt talk. wen he was in south africa i cud at least sms him, and we'd make the occasional long distance call. sometimes he'd suprise me and call me on his mobile. i miss that. i miss just being able to chat with him.

anyone reading this is prolly going 'hhmm, she loves him' i prolly sound like an obsessed freak. but i assure u im not. ty and i have been together thru alot. he was there for me wen i got sms dumped by my bf that id moved countries for, he was there for me to help me clean up my act, he helped me gain self respect again, he helped me thru uni, thru tough times at work, i helped him thru girls treating him badly, thru tough times with his mum, thru the death of his mum, thru the death of a girl he was very close with. so really, y wudnt we be close?

i do love him tho. i will admit that. ty is someone that ill always love tho. ill cry at his wedding. and wish it was me, but only cos i know him so well. but him and i wud never work out, so its...ahh i duno, its hard to explain. we do have complicated history...physically complicated,if u get the drift, but i put a stop to that wen i made my 'oath of purity' with myself. which is good. and he really supported that. ppl hear about our friendship and say its weird. and yeh i think it prolly is. but we have a connection. i think we'll be friends for life.

but i was thinking b4 'its times like these i wish i had a bf to talk to and snuggle up to' but i think that if i did, i wudnt have such an in depth friendship with tyrone. my bf wudnt be comfortable with it and to be honest i think ty, out of respect wud be fine with that. but i mean, bearing that in mind, like if i had a man... ty and i wudnt be quite as close, maybe that does indicate that we r a little too close? am i using ty as a 'replacement' bf to fill that empty space without even realising it. i joke sometimes, that he is like my perfect bf, he's there to talk and hang out without having to have anything "else" to keep him occupied. or at least not anymore anyway.

tonite i was chatting my friend max online and we were talking about ex's and the ones who 'got away'...well i didnt have any that got away! (hahaah) but he had one. and we were talking about romance. and discovered that we both lay there at night, wondering if there really is someone out there who is 'the one'. i know i lie there wondering what he is doing, wot time zone he's in...is he lying there wondering the same thing? thats something i guess ill never know.

i have become quite fussy with my men im beginning to wonder if ill ever get one. im no huge hurry tho. im only 19 and im enjoying being single. since my reasons for wanting a relationship r selfish i figure im better off without one. one thing tyrone has helped me with tho, is raising the standards. the drop kicks i went with b4 is just shame ful. but now... my "bf" has to treat me right, he has to speak to me right, hell he even has to touch me right!

i remember once i was dating this guy, um, i forget his name now! HAHAHA. but yeh, anyway it was valentines day, we'd been dating for 2 weeks and he didnt get me anything we didnt even spend the day together. i didnt think anything of it. when tyrone found out, boy was he angry! he was like 'u gotta dump him!' i thought that was a bit extreme, we'd only been dating 2 weeks so it was no big deal. but then he said if it was valentines day and he'd been with a gal only 2 weeks he'd get her something sooooo special becos ur still in the 'i gotta romance her socks off' stage of the relationship. and i realised that he was so right! and thats where i began to raise my standards.

i remember i was dating this punk guy, scott. i was meeting him at the breaky for his 19th bday. i was so nervous. we'd been dating for a week or 2 and i wanted to really impress him. i was telling ty how nervous i was and that i wanted to look amazing and impress him and stuff. and ty said 'well by all means caz, look amazing but ur dating now, he's already impressed with u! dont be so nervous!'...and thats so true. so ive never been nervous round new bf's since.

but yeh...aaaaaaaaanyway. theres so many other stories where he's helped me get better things for myself. but he's not all good. theres been many a nights where ive cried myself to sleep over him. i hate to admit it, but he is my ideal guy. the guy i marry will be him, but christian. he is the guy i measure everyone else up against...y? cos we make such good mates, and i think thats wots important right?

this is weird. i started this email off mad at him, now im like worshiping him ?!?!?!